» Child Labour

13 year old alibi
worked for an irish bloke called noel on his icecream van. he used it as his cover so he could nip round his girlfriends for a crafty shag every saturday. my job was to wait in the van for most of the afternoon and then tell his wife we'd been doing the rounds in the town centre all day. used to pay me a fiver and all the ice cream i could chug.
(Fri 17th Feb 2006, 12:29, More)

» School fights

two in one day
i was always a bit of a brawler in high school, and gave now legendary performance when i was about 14.

the eternal trigger "it was over the post!" argument during a game of (jumpers for goalposts) football soon escalated into what was dubbed by the watching prefects as "fight of the century", between me and my now best friend john (it happened years ago). being in a particularly sheltered area of our school playing fields the scrap went on for quite a while, until one final crushing left uppercut brought john to tears - the universally accepted equivalent to a TKO - the fact that i myself was covered in blood mattered not.

anyway, riding high on a sea of adreneline i bombed it straight to the sports hall (followed by the baying mob), where a fat kid called simon who'd stuck his boot in during the original fight had run to tell the teacher (and possibly hide). having cornered him on the basketball court i set about pummelling him, but having already punched myself out and bleeding from a smashed up nose and split eyebrow i soon succumbed to his weighty blows.

thus ended my short stint as "cock of the school", winning the St James "fight of the century" only to be beaten up by the fat geeky kid in the sports hall minutes later.
(Fri 10th Mar 2006, 11:18, More)

» Urban Legends

i once convinced.....
...my well meaning but slow witted friend, melvin, that A)leopards laid eggs, and B)scotch eggs were eggs laid by pigs, hence the sausage meat shell.
(Wed 11th Jan 2006, 18:34, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

first post
Once, following a night munching ecstasy in sankeys nightclub i dragged a bunch of friends back to my flat in manchester. fast forward to 9am and i come up with he novel idea of marching across the road to Dr Hermans and buying a load of mushrooms so we could all get trolleyed and go for a pint in the gay village. I return 20 minutes later with 80 quids worth of fresh thai mushrooms, chop them all into large BioPot yoghurt and share them among the 6 of us. an hour later we trot off to the gay village and approximately 4 minutes into our first pint we all start to come up. I projectile vomit all over a gay couple stood next to us at the bar and have to run away, with no idea where i am or what im doing. my friend charlotte (her first time on mushrooms) disappears and is later found in a nearby hospital, where she was taken after someone called an ambulance because she kept running up to people and quoting lines from labyrinth while trying to grab their cheeks and stop their faces from moving. apparently she'd had a full blown psychotic episode, oh the fun we have.

everyone else was fine apparently, i made it back to my flat eventually, having trip trapped through central manchester covered in my own vomit.

late at night i still think about the young couple i covered in a mixture of strawberry yoghurt, mushrooms, beer and gastric juices.
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 16:24, More)