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Profile for bogus official:
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» I hurt my rude bits

Banjo string misery
I was 18 or 19 and having a right good session with my girlfriend on a sofa at her mate's house. Things were getting somewhat athletic and I withdrew ever so slightly too far, bumped on her pubic bone on the way back in and carried on. A moment later she asked me if I had come, obviously not as I was not a quivering wreck of sweaty teenager yet. 'Well, what's all that then?' she asked referring to the rather obvious moisture overload in her flange. Exasperated I withdrew and nearly cried at what I saw. There was blood pumping, yes pumping, from my bell end and dripping from her minge. I gripped my knob with all my might and ran up the stair to get it under the cold tap in the bathroom. I was shaking like a shitting whippet all the way and I didn't give a shit about all the blood that was flying all over the nice walls and lovely new white stair carpet. Rather too slowly I thought, I lost the erection and the bleeding subsided to a trickle so I could inspect the damage. It was indeed a snapped banjo string. We tried, oh how we tried, to have sex again but the pain of minge moisture on open cock wound is intollerable, it took a good 3 months to be able to do the job right. We spent a couple of hours bleaching blood stains from the carpet and wiping the walls and sofa cushions free of blood that night. My bollocks were like concrete as I was seconds from the vinegars when the incident occurred, a problem I couldn't manually cure for months either. Oh how we laughed
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 13:27, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

About 15 years ago my best mate died of cancer
She was only 28 and had left behind her husband and little daughter. She had been battling with cancer since she was 18 and seemed ok for a long while, but the last couple of years of her life were a slow and painful time. Her funeral was held at a crematorium near Bradford and several of us who got there early were milling about nervously outside while another funeral was going on. Cue my mate Liam, the thick twat,with this pearl; "What the fuck is that smell? I mean, it's like really burnt meat or something!"

Sigh
(Thu 11th May 2006, 16:42, More)

» Insults

Kids on a bus
Arguing about kids stuff.

"Yeah, but your mum gets your christmas presents from Netto"

Knock out punch
(Sat 6th Oct 2007, 16:25, More)

» Getting other people into trouble

I reckon I've got about 60 people criminal records over the last ten years
Fare evasion, giving false details, abusive language, criminal damage, trespass. All sorts of stuff. Hang on, no. That's people being stupid and me helping them to a natural conclusion. Fuck em. I get overtime for being a witness in prosecutions and I'm a massive cunt.
(Sat 20th Oct 2012, 14:06, More)

» Worst Person for the Job

There's this bloke at work who did this thing wrong lol it was me lololololololololol

(Sat 8th Sep 2012, 21:19, More)
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