» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

I'll let you into a little secret.
You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, bleaching, conditioning, straightening, exfoliating, moisturising, tanning, trimming, spraying, perfuming, painting, possibly surgically enhancing and expensively clothing every inch of her body – just to get your attention.

(This isn’t a special one-off effort, mind, but hours of dedicated upkeep every week - just to stave off the inevitable back-slide into Godzilla-dom.)

What effort did you put in? Slap on some Lynx? Get your mum to iron your Fred Perry shirt, did you? Wow.

And you think SHE’S the one with all the power????

Don't make me laugh.


(Sorry for bitterness, but all the women on the board saying 'we only have to ask, tee hee' are making me VERY ANGRY. Piss off and stop giving everyone a complex. Click 'I Like This' if you agree...)
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 11:43, More)

» Failed

oral
In my Spanish oral exam, I had to persuade the examiner that she should take her mentally disabled son on an activity holiday, because it would be stimulating, blah blah.

I didn't actually know the proper Spanish term for 'mentally disabled'. So I tried to mime it instead. Using that internationally-recognised symbol for mongitude, the 'MNNNNNNNNNNNG' face.

I got an F.
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 12:38, More)

» Top Tips

cure hiccups #2
Just stand still and breathe in and out as slowly and steadily as you can. Very slowly, very steadily. Do it for at least a minute. Your diaphragm will calm down and stop spasming.

Not funny, but does work. Caution: may also make you fall asleep.
(Fri 18th May 2007, 17:36, More)

» Top Tips

if your name is apeloverage or frankspencer...
...save valuable time by not posting 5,372 incomprehensible and disturbing answers to each QOTW.

Instead, post the ONE anecdote you have which is true, concise, well-paced and actually (surprisingly) hilarious.

This will allow people to enjoy your best work, without being forced to use the 'ignore' button just to make the board readable.
(Wed 20th Dec 2006, 12:28, More)

» Mistaken Identity

on a good day...
...Cate Blanchett.

On a bad day, Sarah Jessica Parker.

On a very bad day, Will Ferrell in a wig.
(Thu 31st May 2007, 17:18, More)