» Random Acts of Kindness

Because I'm not a paedo...
Picture the scene, there I am in Sainsbury's merrily trying to remember what the fuck it was I went there for when I spot a small Asian girl, aged about 3-4 stood in the middle of one of the aisles on her own. Initially I thought nothing of it, assuming her mum had left her there and nipped off to another part of the shop quickly, then I noticed she was damn near in tears and everyone else was pointedly ignoring her. So, realising that the shop assistants were too engrossed in stacking packets of Quavers and the general public was too scared to talk to a strange child lest they be branded a sex offender by the Paedo finder General I decided to see what was up.
"Hello there" said I "Have you lost your mum?"
She looked up at me, and with relief in her eyes, which were now full of tears, nodded silently to me.
"Okay then, shall I help you find her?"
Another nod, this time with a small smile, then the offer of a small hand.
"I'm Keios, what's your name?" I asked
"Kasumi" came the quiet response
"Oh, that's a Japanese name isn't it? I have a cousin called Kasumi!"
Suddenly she became animated "Are you Japanese?"
"Only half, my mum was Japanese"
"So am I! My mummy's Japanese as well! Hajimemashite! Sorry. I don't speak a lot of Japanese."
"Don't worry" I confessed "Neither do I"
So, I took my newfound friend to the customer service desk where her frantic-looking mother was waiting. On seeing her A cry of "Hello mummy! This is my new friend Kei! He's half Japanese as well! He helped me find you!" was let out and much aw-shucksing slightly self concious "It was nothing really"ing was done on my part and many thanks were heaped on me on her part. So, for fucks sake, if you see an obviously distressed child, don't just walk past them for fear that you'll be making yourself a pariah, remember how fucking terrifying the world was when you were that little and see what's wrong! Unless you're the cause of their distress, in which case move along sharpish.
(Sat 11th Feb 2012, 14:25, More)

» The Great Outdoors

Drugs = Bad, Camping on drugs = Good!
Cast your mind back to the early days of this millenium, the Suga Babes were storming the charts and still on their first lineup and people were still inexplicably listening to Dido and Blue. Obviously, the best escape from this level of manufactured inanity the most sensible course of action for a young Keios and his friends living in the south of England was to find a nice obliging campsite in the New Forest and go off for a weekend camping while smashed out of our gourds.
Fast forward a day and we'reall nicely settled into our campsite (conveniently placed well away from all the sensible, normal folk thanks to a friend who worked at the site) when someone pulls out some acid. Needless to say, being sensible, smart young people we all partook. A few hours later as dusk begins to settle, someone has the bright idea that as we had a fire pit, we should really have a fire going. Enthusiastically we gather up enough fallen branches and dead leaves for a moderate blaze, then go to light it.
And fuck all happens.
Confused, but not put off by this turn of events we continue to try and light it, to no avail. For about 30 minutes. After this time, I stand back and run my hands through my hair, mildly exasperated. "Huh?" I wonder "What's this weird feeling in my hands?" as I was still tripping balls.
"Holy shit!" I exclaim loudly "I'm wet!"
"What?" comes the cry from the others.
"Yeah, I'm fucking soaking!" I say, before realising that in fact, EVERYTHING is soaking and it is, in fact, pissing with rain.
turns out we had been so focussed on getting our fire started that out tiny drug-soaked brains had managed to block out everything else, including the fact that we were now stood in a field getting sodden. However I have it on very good authority that the elderly couple camping in the next field had spent the entire 30 minutes or so we had been trying to light a fire in the rain watching us and pissing themselves laughing, so I figure it wasn't an entirely wasted experience.
(Thu 29th Mar 2012, 17:40, More)

» Essential Items

Gaffer tape. Essential.
I always, but always have a roll of gaffer tape on me, a relic of my days working in a theatre where I learnt that gaffer tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and binds the universe together. I also learnt to despise yanks (more) for their insistance on calling it duct tape, when they are in fact 2 totally different proiducts. Gaffer tape is a fabric backed tape, ducty tape is metal backed. Gaffer tape is also far more versatile with one exception and that is that due to the loose nature of it if it gets hot (Say from fixing ooh, I don't know maybe DUCTING) it falls apart. Anyway, fixed lots of things with it over the years, including more than one car and opn one memorable occasion myself when I managed to gash my arm open on a piece of wire and there was nothing else about to ue as a makeshift bandage except my t-shirt held in place with gaffer tape.
(Tue 1st Nov 2005, 16:03, More)