» I witnessed a crime

Crime
It is a f*cking crime I'm sat here drinking wine on my own on Valentine's day whilst the rest of the UK is having sex.

Looks like I'll have to be a have-a-go hero again tonight.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 20:18, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

My revolting ex
I was with the same twunt for eight years. Lets call him Marc, for that was his name.

He was a virgin when I got with him (I was 17 he was 22) and thus I was the official cherry popper. You expect a bloke to be crap the first time he gives sex a go, however, Marc managed to keep the sexual skills of a virgin throughout the eight years we were together, despite all efforts to enlighten him.
This is the pitiful tale of our so called 'sex life'...

1. He wouldn't take off his t-shirt during sex, making the whole thing awkward.
2. He had no sex drive. I'm not exagerating when I say he only wanted sex once a year. I have a high sex drive but he refused me more times than I care to think about.
3. When he decided to have his annual shag he also suffered premature ejaculation and sex never lasted more than a minute or two. He would literally lie still on top of me because the minute he moved he would shoot off.
4. He was stingy with oral sex, taking more times than he would ever give.
5. When he did give he would belch during it, killing the mood completely. He would blame me for that as it was my fault he had to lie in an awkward position to do it and apparently I gave him heartburn anyway.
6. He watched tons of porn but wouldn't share it with me as I would apprently spoil it. He would make me wait in a coffee shop around the corner from his porn shop whilst he went to buy porn.
7. He told me that the porn had to contain loads of 'pop shots' for him to like it, so there is fair chance he was gay.
8. He made feeble creepy girly noises when he came and would practically cry.
9. He would occasionally ignore me for a couple of months then tell me that I was getting fat and that if I got any bigger he would probably stop calling me. I know for a fact that much of his porn collection contain obese women (twice my size).
10. He let his nails grow too long and I found it revolting when he touch me 'down there'.
11. Sex was always in silence.
12. He accused me of faking orgasms when I didn't.
13. He told me full sex should only be about once a year or else it wouldn't be special. He stuck to that.
14. I was never, in the whole 8 years I as with him, allowed under his duvet cover. We never once slept in the same bed.
15. He was small and frankly I couldn't feel a thing. (I have had a smaller guy who was excellent in bed - so size isn't everything. I guess its how you use it).
16. He was totally closed minded when it came to experimenting with positions, bondage or anything like it.
17. He though a 30 second kiss was adequate foreplay. He would literally not speak to me after ejaculation so I would have to finish myself off when he went to the bathroom. It was so depressing I would leave his house early and go binge on KFC.
18. To top it all off, he assaulted me by forcing me to do something I didn't want to do. I was so weak minded I forgave him instantly. Then he dumped me a week later which was about the only good thing he ever did for me.

Funily, when he asked for me back about 8 months ago I said no.

Bitter? Hell yes. I will never forgive him or myself for so much wasted time!
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 15:15, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Lady's front bottom anguish.
Every four weeks I pay to lie in a tiny cubicle with my knickers off as a middle aged woman spreads red hot wax over my lady parts and then rips the hairs out.

It hurts. A lot.

Occasionally, little blobs of wax get left behind, unbeknown to me. Naturally, I get dressed and go on my merry way after paying through the nose to have this torture.

I forget the pain until I go to the loo only to find my knickers have become attached firmly to my lady bits via the blobs of wax the beautician/torturer has missed. I find out only when I have to pull my knickers down... ooooh it comes sharp!

I'm not even sure why I bother as no one else sees it but me these days :(

I wish I was a man. Or had a man. Sigh.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 20:56, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Waxing.
I get my lady bits waxed every few weeks (Brazillian if you must know), which involves taking my knickers off and allowing a middle aged woman to wrench hair from my poor nether regions with wax. Nothing erotic about that I can assure you.

Except the one time when the attractive 21 year old did me instead.

After waxing they massage you with creams and oils to sooth your skin. Man alive did this girl massage! I haven't been touched like that in a bloody long time!I had to stare at the ceiling and bite my lip. I was on the edge of a potentially inappropriate orgasm!

I am a straight woman but I haven't had any action for about a year and a half, so it was all good! Don't mind a bit of girly action though.

Edit: Hammond? Ohhhhh yes.
(Tue 7th Feb 2006, 23:10, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

You don't know what you are missing!
So many negative posts about sleeping with fat people! You don't know what you are missing!

Personally, I absolutely love it. My lastest lover is a strapping, gorgeous man of about 18 and a half stone. He was bloody fantastic in bed and I find all that weight on me a real, serious turn on. Big, strong and sexy...a real man mmmm! Something real to wrap your legs around!

I can't stand the thought of sleeping with a malnurished man who looks like he would snap and cry in two the minute you start getting enthusiastic. Tar, but no tar. Though, if thats what you like then good luck to you. Give me someone a little more robust.

As a larger woman myself, I have had quite a few men tell me that they much prefer women with meat on their bones. One very, very sexy and athletic man (who I would go for it if he wasn't married) I know has been sniffing around me for months and he has told me its because my size 18 to 20 frame and E cup boobs are his ideal fantasy! He is super fit and surrounded by thin, beautiful women all day at work, yet prefers the office big girl. He feels guys who only want size zero girls don't really want full grown women, but pre-pubescent girls or even boys. My recent lover tells me I'm amazing in bed, I'm sexy and make him feel like a love god. Not bad for a short, brunette fat lass.

I'm not normally a big headed woman but I'm merely trying to prove a point that thin people don't have the monopoloy on attractiveness and fantastic sex. The media may have you think that, but in real life its different horses for different courses. If you don't like fat people, you shouldn't make it wrong for other people to.

As a fatty, the only complaint I have ever had from lovers is that I wanted too much sex. Not bad for a fat lass and I am sure most red blooded men wouldn't mind that! I just happen to have been out with some repressed men.

So, dear reader, I urge you to shag a fatty! Its great and much more comfy than skin and bone. If you have shagged a fatty and they were crap then its not because of their size, but perhaps a lack of skill. If you found them so repulsive then why shag them in the first place?!

Live and let live! Free yourself from a lifetime of elbowy loving and lettuce leaves!

Spread the love and eat pies!

***Edit***
Some poster whose name I can't be arsed to look up again points out I sound like I am slagging off thin people with the elbowy love thing. I know, I know, I know thin people have feelings too lol.

Sorry if offended anyone. I'm a nice girl really and was simply standing up for my kind.

My actual intention was to say 'be yourself and don't be pressured in to harsh diets just to make yourself attractive to ignorant people'.

Hell, I had done a 12 hour shift and was tired when I wrote the post. Anyhoo... this is supposed to be a fun site so lets all get back to that eh?
(Wed 20th Jun 2007, 0:57, More)