» Banks

Due to a bank error
I found myself £200 better off.

I was able to buy a hotel on Park Lane. Still lost the game though.
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 13:59, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

The exact opposite of erotic...
Many moons ago in the 1970s when I was a student, during the summer hols I worked in a large mental hospital in the North of England as a 'temporary psychiatric nursing assistant'. Ostensibly I was providing relief cover for 'proper' psychiatric nurses. In fact I was given all the shitty jobs. Three weeks on a dysentary ward. *Shudders*

But I spent some time on a ward for 'the bad boys' - the violent ones, the fireraisers, shit-throwers, dead bird eaters, escape artists, compulsive wankers and general chancers. None of them with a mental age of more than five, but in adult bodies with adult urges. Some of the urges were quite strange as we shall see.

Some of our patients spent the day 'at work'. (D'you remember those hand-painted 'Britains' models you used to get? Well, guess who hand-painted them?) Others couldn't hack that, so spent their days in the playground. Apart from breaking up the occasional fight or attempt at buggery, they could be left under 'light supervision'. It really was a playground: it had industrial strength swings, see-saws and climbing frames and a great big fuck-off sandpit.

Sunday was visitors day, so if you were on duty you had to clean the boys up, put them in their Sunday best and impress upon them in the strongest possible terms that they had better behave themselves.

Sunday lunch was always nerve racking. What you didn't want was shit, piss, bad language, inappropriate touching, food throwing or anything that would upset the visitors to put in an appearance. Normally visiting time passed without anything major happening, but one event is indelibly etched into my memory.

There was a commotion at one of the tables, the visitors gaping in horror through the window. And what a sight to behold! One of our largest and ugliest patients was running around the playground, stark naked, laughing manically and furiously wanking his terrifyingly large dick; this and his fist were liberally smothered in some white gunk that he'd found to use as a lubricant. At the crucial moment he launched himself head first (arf!) into the sandpit.

Myself and the charge nurse dragged him inside, yours truly getting the delightful job of cleaning him up and checking for injuries. While cleaning off a thing like a cement condom, I discovered what the lubricant was: toothpaste. Add that to the gravel rash and you can imagine the state of his knob.

I never want to see anything like that again.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 17:55, More)

» Top Tips

Druggies / Alckies in and around Leith:
My Top Ten Tips for shopping at Tesco Metro

(1) If you plan to go shopping in Tesco Metro, do that BEFORE having a nose-full/arm-full/kazoo-full/skin-full of mind-bogglants

(2) If you fuck (1) up, DO NOT choose the self-service checkout

(3) If you ignore the advice in (2), do not threaten the staff who are trying to help you

(4) Also, the woman's voice coming from the little machine is a RECORDING so there is no point in arguing with her

(5) Try to keep focused on waving groceries around until you hear a *beep* and then putting them in the bagging area - do not get distracted by the cute doggy, the security man giving you 'attitude', or the 'stuck-up English bitch' talking to you from inside the machine

(6) On no account should you try to cheat the system or steal - you WILL FAIL

(7) Don't keep looking round to see if people are looking at you, THEY ARE - it's not entirley drug-induced paranoia on your part, you are making a bit of a cunt of yourself

(8) Don't expect anyone other than yourself to see the funny side of an adult taking 15 minutes to put a Mars Bar and two cans of Tennents through the till

(9) Once you've successfully bagged your shopping and paid for it, do not take the time to profusely thank everyone who has helped you through this monumental challenge

(10) Once outside the shop, you are NOT entitled to a replacement or full refund for any item damaged when you smash into a lampost/wall/pavement while admiring a doggy / avoiding a wasp / sending a text, so don't bother asking
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 18:13, More)

» Crazy Relatives

My Dad went shopping
Drove off, heading for Sainsbury's. Came back 3 minutes later.

Him: "I took the spare car keys by mistake."

Me: "Does it matter?"

Him: (as if I'm an idiot) "They're the SPARE KEYS!"

Me: Yes, I got that, but why does it matter?

Him: (now almost apoplectic) "THEY'RE THE SPARES!!!"

And off he goes in a huff. With the 'right' keys this time.

Who knows?
(Mon 9th Jul 2007, 14:39, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Can pineapple change the taste of semen?
(For the better)

About a zillion years ago my then GF read - probably in Cosmo - that if a bloke eats quite a lot of pineapple, regularly and often, it would make his semen taste pleasantly sweet.

Needless to say, an experiment was set up, and I was force-fed fucking pineapple for days on end (what you'll do for a blow-job, eh?). The good news was that the results were positive - "it" tasted much nicer.

But after a while the effects "wore off", and blow jobs decreased in regularity and enthusiasm.

My own fault really. I shouldn't have started flushing tin after tin of pineapple chunks down the bog.

And I definitely shouldn't have started bingeing on pickled eggs and anchovies.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 19:14, More)