» Apparently I'm a sex offender

I used to be a teacher
but then this picture got about on the interweb

(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 13:36, More)

» Food sex

not really sex but
I have a friend that likes super hot curries and had issued me a challenge of making him one that he couldn't eat - so I went to the market and got some milder variation on the Naga Jolokia (which is quite hard to get hold of)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naga_Jolokia_pepper

recommended to me by the indian that runs the fruit and veg stall - it was orange one he said he used the seeds from when making super hot curries for himself.

I chopped the chillies and other veg, chicken and prepared the curry, and as any knowledgable curry afficionado amongst you will know a curry must simmer for a while before it achieves its true potential.


I had an hour to kill while it simmered and my friend wasn't there yet, there was nothing on the tv so I sat on the internet for a bit, which any male will know eventually leads to a wank (there was nobody in the house)

Yes you guessed it i had a number three forgetting about all the chilli and assorted spices on my hands (and not having even bothered washing them DOH)

not only that but I'm in the acorn crew (circumcised) and i was using olive oil as lube


so i literally massaged chilli juices into my penis, and didn't notice during my left handed surfing until it started to throb a bit, which was quite nice at first, until the agonising heat started.

I put my penis under the cold tap for at least twenty minutes with tears in my eyes, i could not adequately describe to you the white hot pure unadulterated agony of it all and it still hurt just as much after 20 minutes and the only way i stopped the pain was by literally wanking yoghurt and milk into it but it still was a bit iffy and cold for a few days after
edit:
HE LIKED THE CURRY, IT WAS HOT

I am a nob. sorry for length etc.... LOL LOL LOL


click "I like this" - IT'S A TRUE ONE!
(Thu 6th Aug 2009, 14:28, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

I walked past two little black girls earlier today
as i walked past the church

hey were wearing little brown uniforms with BROWNIE written in massive yellow letters on the front

who made them wear that? it's fuckingpolitical correctness gone MAD i tell you
(Sun 25th Nov 2007, 18:04, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

I can't remember her name
she worked in a bar called Bliss in stalis, crete greece, and has done for a few summers
Whilst I was helping a friend out in a bar at the other end of stalis (coyotes) for high season and on her days off she would come and see me for a bit, we'd have a chat, this was probably due to the fact that our first meeting was her boss talking her into giving me a lift back to the bar I was working in after I'd carried his lost dog (which had wandered into our bar and was not only enormous but very un manageable) the quarter mile back to him - I think she was impressed.

She had an astounding dark beauty and enormous breasts, and an amazing sense of humour

alarm bells never rang

I somehow ended up meeting her one night with a few friends, one by one they dispersed and we were finally alone, snogging like schoolkids - she had a ferociously sensual kiss that set the heart aflame, and the libido a frenzy! We went back to mine, and began coitus.

Unfortunately I lived with two "Hilarious" flatmates that came home from the piss and hadn't pulled, so they decided to bang on my door and generally disturb us, which I thought was quite funny if not a little irritating

she did not

at his point the funny, sexy girl I'd took home changed into a strangely squirming sexbeast that was suddenly clambering away and screaming with a devilish look in her eyes of fury and hate combined

MAKE THEM STOP I did - I'm no surprise sexer

I'm talking SCREAMING "I'll fucking kill you" and trying to TEAR out of the room still naked to hurt my flatmates - who deserved it really

I calmed her down (a little) and gor her to at least put her knickers back on

my (greek) landlady was awake now and came out to see what all the commotion was about, I come out to apologise to her and warn my flatmates that they MAY SOON DIE - at this precise moment she then sneaks out of my room with a 2 LITRE FUCKING WINE BOTTLE and chases the flatmate that's standing outside his room into it - where he then stood making faces at the window, so she threw the bottle at the window - he wasn't hurt (luckily) just a little shocked at being almost bottled by a large breasted half naked brunette psychopath who obviously had "issues"


that's when I decided to get her the fuck out of there

I drove her home, it took me about 2 hours to calm her down and yes


I did still shag her

She was fucking fantastic


sorry for length etcetera - she wasn't! PLEASE CLICK "I LIKE THIS" AS THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE 100 PER CENT TRUE QOTW answers YOU WILL READ
(Fri 17th Nov 2006, 15:31, More)

» Conned

I never get on a charter plane without telling the steward that i booked a meal with teh travel agent
even if I haven't which is normally the case, when out with a large group of friends on a busy night like a friday/saturday I have found that rudhing in hurriedly to the door host at a restaurant/ table serving drinks bar and explaining that you are the "smith" (insert any common surname here) party and you are so sorry for being late but it was booked by a rather useless friend can get you a big table all to yourselves at short notice, as they will invariably play along and hide their own incompetence

Being extra friendly and sympathetic to airline personell, explaining that you could "never do their job as they must have to deal with very angry/tired people can get you upgrades, extra baggage allowance and a few freebies sometimes, but this should never be expected

the trick to good blagging is to always believe it yourself, anyone questioning you must be mad!

I'm going to hell

CLICK "i LIKE THIS" because this story is
1.actually true

and 2. not written by frankspencer or apeloverage
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 15:37, More)