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» Pathological Liars

another time....
When we were at a party, Danny and me were really high, full of pills......we were talking to some girls, one of them asked me what I did for a living.....
I told her that I was a freelance Paedophile hunter.

Girl:what????
Me:you know like in America, you get bounty hunters who have powers outside the law?
Girl: yes.
Me: well it's like that but not really acknowleged publically.
Girl: oh right.

*silence*

Me: I shouldn't really be telling anyone about it.......but, last week, the chief of Strathclyde police called me up and said "come down to the station"

I went down to the station and in the chief's office, he handed me a dossier on a particularly nasty paedophile, I had a scan through it and when I was reading it,

the chief said

"I WANT YOU TO ELIMINATE HIM WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE"

at this point, Danny, who was sitting opposite me , talking to her friend and listening to me lying burst out laughing and snorted jets of beer out of both nostrils all over her.
(Sat 1st Dec 2007, 4:58, More)

» Evil Pranks

Dating Network Hoax
The following prank has nothing to do with me whatsoever.....


At my old work, one of the other chefs was a guy called "wee fat andy", his wife refused to sleep with him for the last 10 years and maybe about 7 months ago it turned out that she was having a lesbian affair with some woman she'd met in an E-Bay forum. They still stay in the same house, he still goes out and earns money for their family (they have an 11 year old daughter). Wee Andy tried to teach her a lesson by joining a mobile phone dating network.......


The head chef and one of the other chefs went and bought a cheap mobile phone and have been texting wee andy for months pretending to be a woman from this dating network. after texting for a while using their female pseudonym, the texts started getting rather intimate. The head chef stuck his cock between his legs like the baddy off silence of the lambs and took a photo of it then messaged it to wee andy.......


Wee andy has been wanking off looking at the picture, thinking it was a fanny. He even sent them a picture of his cock. everyone at my old work know about it except him, they've all seen the photo of his wee red cock.

this joke is still going on, I've seen some of the "sexy" txts he's been sending.....it will only end in tears
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 18:53, More)

» Voyeurism

one time
when i was in the park getting stoned with my mate we saw this guy that we thought looked like a paedophile so we hid behind a sign and looked through a gap in the sign at the guy. We were standing spying on him for about 20 minutes, talking about him, mainly saying insulting things about his clothes and saying he was a paedophile and stuff. We were too stoned to realise that the guy could hear everything we were saying (we were only about 8ft away from him) he was also watching us as the sign that we were hiding behind only really hid the top of our heads and our chins, our faces were fully visible through the gap .
I don't know what the guy thought was going on
(Sat 13th Oct 2007, 2:53, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

when i was about 13
i spent all my pocketmoney on 2 x "Kenny Everett's joke safety pin through the finger" i stuck one on my nose and one on my ear. I used to walk around BHS, Marks and spencers and any other shops where i'd find people who'd be shocked by it, often lingering where I'd see potential targets and waiting til I heard things lke "Have ye seen whit that wee laddie's got stuck through his nose" and "wid ye look at that!"

I also wore a 2nd world war Japanese Imperial army cap with a home made bandana sporting the rising sun on it, one time in the park an old man grabbed me and shouted "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WEARING!!!!!!" my safety pin fell out of my nose, I screamed "aaaargh!!!!! " the old man then made his escape
THE END
(Sat 21st Jul 2007, 19:38, More)

» Too much information

Guess what I'm doing?
There's a guy we know, for the sake of this story he's called Steve.....

During a conversation on the phone with my mate mike, this happened

Steve: Mike, Guess what I'm doing just now?
Mike: What?
Steve: I'm having a wank.
(Tue 11th Sep 2007, 3:02, More)
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