» Evil Pranks

Balls!
Not mine, though I wish I'd thought of them!
Happened a good while back, before those cnuts in Government started making us earn our piddling wage: "Working" in the emergency services, we used to sleep most nights, largely undisturbed by Joe Public & their trifling little problems. (My house is on fire, I'm trapped in a crashed car, my wife's not breathing - that kind of thing).
LOTS of opportunities for pranks! Best one to my mind was quite inventive: Bunman, for that was his moniker, took a 1 litre plastic tub & put about 2 inches of water in it, then froze it. Then every hour he added a few more inches of water with a snooker ball & froze that, until he had, at the end of his 12 hour day shift, a 1 litre block of ice with about 10 snooker balls suspended throughout the block.
This was placed in the roofspace above the suspended ceiling, whereupon it started to thaw.
So at about hourly intervals all night, there would be a loud THUD on the ceiling, keeping the night crew awake & confused.
Only the large wet patch (still visible some years later) was able to give the game away as to how he'd done it.
Less effort, but equally funny results; when Bunman was on nights & the other crew were out, we had a power cut. Bunman turned everything on; TV (full volume), HiFi (full volume), all lights etc. Then he gets sent on standby somewhere else. The other crew return to a deathly quiet, dark station with no power & proceed to bed down.
One of them went completely apeshit when the power came back on...
You really, really wouldn't want us coming out to you in your hour of need, especially if you've done something silly with a hoover (or a turkey baster, or any number of other household items...)
Plogies for length, but we get too much time on our hands when you're not calling us out!
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 11:39, More)

» When Animals Attack

When Great Danes Attack
When I was a single fella I used to have a great dane, lovely animal, came from rescue, a bit dim, but not a bad bone in her...
In the 11 years I had her, she was walked (almost)every morning, rain or shine & it was the high point of her (very lazy) day.
One morning I had a truly monumental hangover & simply couldn't be arsed to get up & walk her.
Living in a bungalow with such a large animal, you have to have a few ground rules: the dog isn't allowed into the bedroom being rule numero uno.
On this morning, rule numero uno was ignored & a large sad looking face appeared inches from my own. As I yawned she chose that moment to sneeze, right into my open mouth.
One lazy, hungover twat suddenly found the energy to get up very quickly indeed & rush to the bathroom, trying very hard not to get reaquainted with last nights beverages.
Needless to say, the dog's tail was wagging fit to flail a masochist into exctasy; her lovely owner had got up in a hurry just to give her a walk... and I did after using most of a bottle of mouthwash...
(Wed 30th Apr 2008, 6:11, More)

» Evil Pranks

Brekkers!
We sent a full cooked English Breakfast,by snailmail, to my mate at Newcastle University (Living in a hall of residence)...
...one item at a time...(bacon, then sausage, then fried bread etc)...
...over several weeks...
...the last item was a very greasy/smelly fried egg...
...and he had to sign for every piece of mail that he received.
Childish (tick)
Unpleasant (tick)
Funny as fack (tick)
Length: about 8 weeks
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 11:12, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Being told off by a twat...
I am employed to drive around in a big van with blue lights and (allegedly) help the sick & injured (or just plain drunk usually). Whilst solo on one said van, I had to fill it up with diesel (it even nags me to put diesel in, not petrol, in a very loud irritating voice, because my bosses think I'm a fckwit). As I pull onto the garage forecourt, the emergency mobile phone rings. Remembering that the Govnmt want me to respond within 30 secs, or I can spend days explaining why I didn't to the same bosses that don't trust me to fill up with the correct fuel, I answer the damn phone. Over the very loud tannoy comes the grating voice of Shell employee of the year "Oi, you can't use that phone here, it's dangerous"
I hang up & attend said emergency before returning to same garage to refuel. As I pay for the fuel I am subjected to a red faced tirade about the dangers of using a mobile near a petrol pump, they explode you know!
Of course, reading about the dozens of exploding filling stations that occur weekly in the UK due to this very thing, has prepared me for this, and I should hang my head in shame and stand in a pool of my own piss for being so thoughtless of others safety.
As I get in the Amblnce to drive away, the cnut only comes out and sparks up a ciggie less than 2m from the nearest pump, making me realise once and for all that figures of authority deserve nothing but contempt and I really must learn not to wee myself when told off by an adult as I might catch fire or explode.

length: about 6m, not forgetting to leave room for the tail-lift (Kerrrunch...oops!)
(Tue 25th Sep 2007, 17:55, More)

» Heckles

Heckles:
Heckle told as part of act by Geordie comedian supporting Jack Dee: Doing act at Gloucester just after Fred West's arrest. Trying to avoid touchy local subject matter, comedian concentrates on the police stopping the tour bus for speeding... "Your police, what are they like?"
Cue heckle... "They're cukfing good at digging mate"

plogies for it being short and thin and only lasting a few seconds...
(Tue 11th Apr 2006, 11:10, More)