» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Dutiful Ducks
My ex and I were walking past a the local lake, she asked me if I knew how deep the water was. I told her I was certain it was very shallow because pointing to some waterfowl swimming on it I said "As you can see, it only comes half way up those ducks".....It took her about two hours before the penny finally dropped.
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 7:45, More)

» School Assemblies

"Good Morning, Mr. Dog, Good morning teachers, good morning everyone"
One morning were all sitting in the school hall waiting for The Headmaster to arrive. As in probably all schools ,the protocol was that when he arrived we would all stand while he walked down the aisle, got up on to the stage, he would say "Good morning" then we would reply "Good morning sir" then he would say "Sit down" then assembly would begin. Well this particular morning just before he arrived a stray dog walked into the hall and trotted down the aisle, large as life wagging his tail as if he owned the place! Well "Great minds think alike" as they say, with that EVERYONE stood up! Half the teachers burst out laughing while the other half went positively ape. One old guy shouted "Will someone please get that bloody dog out before the head sees it!"
(Sat 15th Jun 2013, 14:46, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

My mate Robert
Many years ago when we were kids he persuaded his dad to let him have an air rifle. His dad used to keep hens at the bottom of the garden and was convinced that next door's cat was half-inching baby the chicks for a mid morning snack (Yes he should have kept them in a proper chicken run with wire netting but that is another story).He told Rob "If you see that bloody cat near my hens, shoo the bugger away will you!"
Anyway, one day Rob was farting about knocking tin cans down with the said pellet gun when in strolls tiddles from next door. So he thought if he sent a pellet whizzing over it's head it would scare the damn thing half to death and it probably wouldn't bother to venture into their garden any more. So he literally shot from the hip, he did not bother to take aim, he just made sure the pellet would go in the general direction of where the cat was lurking. The cat jumped about 3 feet into the air and fell back to earth...and just stayed there motionless. Crapping himself with fear, Rob ran down to the bottom of the garden only to find that he had actually shot the bloody thing smack between the eyes! A perfect kill that the average KGB assassin would have been proud of. Talk about a fluke shot! Looking around him it appeared no one had seen the unfortunate accident so he dashed into his dad's potting shed, grabbed the nearest spade to hand and buried the unfortunate moggy where it fell, making sure it would well below normal "spade depth" if you know what I mean. For weeks afterwards his neighbour used to say to him "You have not seen our cat by any slim chance have you Robert? " Yikes!
(Fri 28th Jan 2011, 7:47, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Des O'Conner
To a woman heckler "I think you were at one of my shows 20 years ago, your face isn't familiar but I never forget a dress!"
(Sun 27th Nov 2011, 10:23, More)

» Awesome teachers

A Tom Jones look -alike
In about 1969, We had a new English teacher arrive at our school. The other kids had told us that he was a dead ringer for Tom Jones. The first time we had him for a lesson we lined up outside the classroom as usual then he called us in, we stood behind our desks whispering and giggling at each other and then he just looked up and said "Yes I know, I DO look like him don't I? but funny thing is, I bloody can't stand him myself!" He did!, even down to the tight curly hair, he could have been his twin brother. I thought to myself straight away "I'm going to like you, you seem like a nice guy!" He was indeed! everybody liked him, he was lovely chap, a terrific mimic ( he could 'do' any accent he wanted , Scots, Irish Brummie Liverpool, you name it! He often told us stories about his uncle in the RAF and then he would go into a wonderful Terry-Thomas type voice which had us all in fits of laughter. )Everyone looked forward to his lessons and quite honestly we were all sad when the bell went as nobody wanted to leave his classroom. Many of the other teachers used to complain that they found my handwriting difficult to read, I remember the first time I nervously handed a piece of work him to mark he looked at me and said "Oh I have heard about you!" ( 'Oh no, here we go again' I thought , 'what is he going to say? Yikes!' ) Then he said after reading a few lines "Well I can read it, bugger what the others say and its all bloody good stuff. Anyway, when you get to uni you can use a typewriter can't you?" ( by the way This was just before computers came onto the scene ). He was always making fun of the other teachers, especially the headmaster, who was a keen sailor. I was talking to him in the school hall one day and I noticed the ventilation fans which were mounted at the top of the walls, near the roof, seemed to be going unusually fast. I pointed this fact out to him and he said bluntly "Oh don't tell the head, he will want to turn the bugger upside down and sail away in it!"
He later became deputy head then sadly he left because he was offered a headmaster's Job somewhere else. We were really broken hearted when he went.
(Wed 23rd Mar 2011, 7:05, More)