» I witnessed a crime

A touch of the 'what ifs'
For those of you "I'm a big bloke and I just watched him do it" types (me too, I'm dismally ashamed to admit), take the following to put things in perspective:

A friend of mine (sadly now no longer with us) was in the SAS and was generally extremely unforthcoming with stories. However, one day, on a stopped chairlift, he recounted how he and his patrol had been on a live exercise (as in carrying real guns with real bullets) in the merrie english countryside. Whilst pretending to be bushes somewhere, they heard the unmistakeable report of an AK going off in a nearby town.

Thinking (in hindsight, probably quite rightly) that the police would better be able to deal with one reported gunman than 5, they stayed put and listened to events unfold.

So that's how Michael Ryan managed to shoot up a small town within earshot of a tooled up SAS squad.

Bit hard to make eye contact after that one.
(Tue 19th Feb 2008, 6:42, More)

» Hotel Splendido

not me, not a hotel, but raising the bar for slum landlords everywhere
ok, wasn't going to post on this QOTW, as it's nomally just a load of moaning, but I thought I'd mention this for you.

I live in Kuwait, one of the most openly racist societies on earth. I have a friend who is something of a slum landlord; a lot of his buildings are let out to Philipinos (about a third of the way from the bottom of the scale; you can gang rape your flip housemaid and leave her naked to die in the desert, and they'll just deport her, but if you throw her from your balcony, the police might investigate. Koreans you can shoot though...)

Anyway. My Kuwaiti friend has a zoo, and in this zoo, he has a pair of Cheetahs, only he brought them indoors for the winter. Into a small apartment on the 6th floor.

Yes, two cheetahs, wild cats used to running round at 70mph.

He invited me round to see them before they went back to the farm (it being slightly warmer now) so of course I jumped at the chance, and we popped up to the 6th floor.

Not only the spiritual depravity, but the misery, the indignity of these wonderful animals eating KFC and living on a clawed apart mattress in a concrete box, but the smell will stay with me for some time. Wild cats have quite startlingly powerful urine, and these beasts had been in the apartment for a month....


The day the cats moved out, a philipino family moved in. I honestly can't begin to imagine what the smell, and the knowledge that their perceived value in society is less than an animal's, will do to that family's mental health.

A robin readbreast in a cage, puts all heaven in a rage...
(Tue 22nd Jan 2008, 13:43, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

you cannot be sciurus...
Two for the price of one.

I went to visit a friend's dad on a tiny Scottish island where he was a gamekeeper. Probably pretty grim in winter, but that spring idyllic beyond belief; stags swimming across the bay, seals and dolphins popping up from time to time, sightings of whales, the odd eagle and the entire place festooned with erupting pink and purple rhododendrons.

any way, friend's dad met us at the boat and walked us to his little cottage (croft?), crinkled roof, blue smoke etc. and, to my amazement, called down two crows from the eves which landed on his shoulders and bobbed about like satanic parrots.

The guy was a forester who took in and had a knack of taming lost baby animals (viz the crows). He was even more proud of the red squirrel he'd found as an orphan... his eyes softened as he told us how it would spring out of the trees and ride with him in his land rover, sitting on the dashboard as he swatted mozzies, and sit in the pocket of his jacket. I was completely enthralled, and asked to see it.

Um... he'd opened the door to the land rover one day, realised he'd forgotten something, and stepped back to go get it, only to find that the little red squirrel had bounced down from the trees, about to leap up into the car, only to be squished by a size 10 boot.

Don't try to maintain eye contact with a grown man welling up in tears when you feel you're about to explode laughing.

Also, my girlfriend's father was out cutting hay in the meadow when his (somewhat arthritic) spaniel tried to leap into the cab of the tractor (as had been his habit for some ten years).

Sadly, his 'spring' left him that day, as he missed his cab and sailed, with a final, loyal wag, headfirst into the silage cutter...

BTW, I know he lived on a tiny island. I assume he kept the land rover on shore.
(Wed 12th Dec 2007, 10:22, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

You want real, realio trulio racism?
Long story short, I left the UK because I was finally exhausted by the traffic, the litter, the tax and the space-cadets in Westminster.

Lucky me, I landed in the enlightened multicultural utopia that is Kuwait...

Forget your low-grade smouldering European racism; this is high octane, brains boiled by the desert heat god given right to rule the universe craziness.

I give for your delectation the 'Kuwait Crime' section of www.arabtimesonline.com/arabtimes/

This week's favourite, Kuwaiti man given two years probation for beating someone to death with an iron bar (it's a slow news week). I don't think you can view the archives, which is a shame, because I like the regular stories of philipino maids hanging themselves (ideally after breaking the bones of their sponsors' babies), prostitutes 'falling off balconies' (seriously, you get one of these most weeks) and labourers being deported for (gasp) going on strike having not been paid for 5 months (at 100GBP per month).

Oh, and there was the gang rape at knife point where the (asian) woman was left naked in the desert to die. But one of her (Kuwaiti) assailants gave her his mobile number, because she obviously fancied him...

Who needs political correctness when you've got an oil well?

*edit* this just in: "The girl reportedly told the school administration she was tortured for failing to do house chores."
(Wed 28th Nov 2007, 6:35, More)

» Tightwads

Spank it hard
Inspired by the per diem story below.

On my last great business trip from a certain well known European bank, I rounded off my 8 weeks on the road by taking the entire IT department of a small Ukrainian bank out to Nobu in Kiev, where we ate like emperors, had cognac, cigars and the delightful company of some of the most extraordinary hookers you have ever seen (speculative, business development type company, nothing lude). I was then presented with a gold membership to the local cat house and we were all invited along en-masse by the owner who somehow took a shine to me (or my spending habits) for an evening of towering depravity.

Claim for that night? $4000USD, give or take.

Paid, then promptly laid off, with 6 months salary, along with 700 other poor fuckers I worked with. Department taken over by frankfurt office and 'rationalised'.

Caught up with my mate who I used to work with some months later who was still doing the same job. After three weeks in Nigeria, he'd returned and submitted his claims, only to be given a full-on disciplinary hearing for...

Having two puddings.

At a cost of less than 1USD.

Those miserly depraved box-headed fuckers deserve all the credit crisis they can eat...
(Tue 28th Oct 2008, 12:19, More)