» Accidental animal cruelty

sootica scrubs up
my wee brother had a black kitten, sootica, that had the unfortunate habit of sleeping in the laundry basket. it eventually got round to doing it when my mother had seperated the colours leaving the blacks in there.

she subsquently loaded the basket and drowned sootica. when i got home from school my mother was in hysterics after finding the lifeless soggy feline in amongst my dads work socks. she made me promise to never tell my bro and we would all stick to the line that 'it must have ran away'.

that was 17 years ago.

i told him at a party last summer when i'd had a few too many. he took it well. by phoning my mum out her bed at 4 in the morning while off his chops and calling her 'a fucking lying murderer.'
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:25, More)

» Buses

"in the slot"
bout 15 years ago on the bus on the way to school, about 3 stops after I got on, a woman boarded the bus who was quite plainly cursed with some mental deficiency, she pressed her face up against the perspex seperating her from the driver while cluthcing her change and slurred "one twenty to the centre." the driver curtly replied "in the slot."

at which the woman bent over and pursed her lips into the coin slot and repeated "one twenty to the centre."
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 15:27, More)

» Too much information

not giving a shit
when asked why i was laughing emerging from a foul smelling T in the park toilet cubicle, I explained that due to the fact there was no bog roll i had used a soiled sanitry towel that some bird had left to clean my nether region.

i won that weekend.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 12:11, More)

» Voyeurism

"HULK SMASH!"
three years ago there was a party goin on full throttle in my gaff, but unfortunately i was working the next day and not drunk enough to say "screw work" so off to bed i went.

bout 6 in the morning my flatmate davie kicks my bedroom door in and proceeds to use my bed with me in it as a trampoline. he then falls off the bed and grabs my curtains as a grip but only succeeds in ripping them off the wall much to my chagrin. after calling him a fuckin dick, throwing him out my room and wedging a sofa in front of the door i returned to slumberland.

i awoke at 8 to get ready for work feeling reall shitty and wasnt amused at the fact the whole neighbourhood could see me getting ready due to the absence of curtains. i staggerd through to living room where some peeps where still goin for it, but no sign of davie. "wheres davie?"
"in his room."
"yes! revenge time."
i went and put on a pair of those oversized hulk gloves that make smasing noises when u belt something on and kicked davies room door in. there he was shagging some bird that worked in the bar acroos the road from behind full pelt. she was totally starkers as was he. she didnt notice my intrusion but davie did "whit the fuck? get oot!"
i ran at him and cracked him real hard in the coupon
the sound of breaking glass accompanied by the words "HULK SMASH!" alerted the girl of my presence and she promptly flew outta his bed screaming while davie fell backwards into his cupboard.

needless to say. davie never pumped her again.
(Tue 16th Oct 2007, 16:37, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

photo lab perks
since digital kicked off no bastard hands in pron anymore but before the dawn of digital it was at least 3 times a day scud. and we made copies of all of it. every branch had a scud album that u could browse if u got sent there to cover.

the best pic id ever seen was one of a couple who had taken a disposable camera along to a romp in a seedy hotel and the guy had managed to take a picture of his dick in her vag and his thumb up her ass while she looked over her shoulder straight in to the lens with an expression of deep joy on her face.

i made sure that was the top photo in the packet when i handed them back so they knew i had seen it.

ah good times.

fuck you digital.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 17:07, More)