» Best Graffiti Ever

Cathedral
I have noticed a rather shocking amount of graffiti in the toilets of my local cathedral, all the usual religious nut shit, but some of the responses made me giggle.

"GOD HATES FAGS" replied to with "Then why is it called a 'glory' hole?"

Quite a few on abortion including:
"ABORTION KILLS INNOCENT CHILDDREN" then scrawled underneath "Can we abort the guilty ones?"

A foetus dripping blood with the words "STILL FANCY TAKING THE EASY OPTION?" followed by "But it looks so cute!"

"HELP GOD OUT- SPIT ON A NIGGER" then "David is 32 years old, lives with his parents, and twice daily masturbates furiously over porn, while shouting about job theiving 'darkies.' For £5 we can buy a knife and put him out of his misery. Sponsor a racist today."

There were quite a few others but none spring to mind.
If you press "I Like This" I'll draw a massive cock on the picture of Jesus.
(Sat 5th May 2007, 12:14, More)

» Housemates from hell

Bad housemates? Let me see...
I have over the years had THE most disgraceful and disgusting collection of fiends live wth me.

First off there was Jake the wanker. And what a wanker he was. Quite literally. If he didn't visit barclays bank three times a day it must have been some sort of religious holiday. Now I'm perfectly fine with a man flogging the bishop but he was so bloody obvious about it, and he'd do it over the slightest thing, one time over some fat bird discussing her orgys on Jeremy Kyle. The worst part was finding his ...erm... fluids all over the flat. Firstly it was all over the back of the toilet, his aim was quite poor, and once you've noticed it once you cant help but find it everywhere. Everytime you discover a funny smell, or stand in something wet it's always in the back of your mind. The final straw came when I was doing the laundry and discovered the crusiest, dirtiest, most disgusting bedsheet I have ever seen, with what I'm sure was fungus growing on it. "Oh dear Jake." I say to myself. Then it clicks. That is my bedsheet. From my bed. I have never wanked in my bed. Bye bye Jake.

Next was Alex. I'd say 20% of us have had this kind of flatmate- the thief. First they mention how they have no money hence their lack of food. You feel a bit sorry for them so you let them sponge. Then you notice your money begins to go missing. Then a friend tells you how they saw them stea your money. Then you lock them and their stuff out of the flat and tell them to fuck off unless they want the shit kicked out of them (by my big friend) and their mother humiliated (by me).

After a brief stint with Liam who loved to flash me (HUGE!) I was back on bodily functions with Mike who's habit I discovered after one night of heavy drinking. I woke up, went to the toilet to find a turd sitting right by the loo. The dirty bastard had missed the freaking toilet with the biggest dump I'd ever seen, but seeing as he was a good friend and had been very drunk I let it slide. Then I went into the kitchen to find a poo on the table. "Well this is odd" I tell myself. But, when Mike ges up he is very apologetic and cleans up very thoroughly. "Ah, he's not so bad," I say to myself as I get a pringle. Wait. These pringles feel oddly soft. And squishy. And- "Oh my God!! You shat in the pringles tube you utter fuck!!" I withdrew my hand which was now covered in poo and ran to the toilet where I threw up twice and then showered for an hour. I should have kicked him out then but,kindly I let it slide. Sadly the pooing didnt stop there. 1 in every 3 times we'd go out I'd wake up to find shit all over the house, and in the oddest places. These included (but were not limited to) the couch, the top of the television, under he welcome mat, at the foot of my bed, and, most bizarrely of all, in the oven. Eventually I kicked him out, but scarily am still very good friends with him.

If you click "I Like This" I'll get some proper friends.

Oh and I forgot to mention. I now live alone.
(Tue 10th Apr 2007, 19:29, More)

» God

This one time a Jehova's witness came to my house...
he said "Can I interest you in the word of our lord."
I said "No thankyou, I'm pretty stubbornly decided religion-wise."
"Oh okay, nevermind." Said the Jehova's witness.
"Ah well, good luck anyway! Bye now."
"Bye."

It was what I like to call, two people not being utter cunts about their differing views. Hardly a classic anecdote I know...
(Sat 21st Mar 2009, 22:56, More)

» My first experience of porn

Erotica
I was one of those kids who knew about sex and stuff from an early age, thanks partly to older siblings and my friend, who for anonymitys sake will be called Frank. Frank told me all sorts of facts about sex (not to mention lies-I thought up until th age of 10 that once penis was in the minge it was impossible to remove. Babies confused me, surely there was no room for them to come out, with daddy's man meat blocking the way and all)
Anyhoo at breaktime in primary school we were widely discouraged from play fighting, footy or even running really, so we occassionally ended up just making up stories. Frank was great at making up stories, and when our story begins he was part way through an epic about a mouse. (don't laugh, it was the best bit of fiction I've ever encountered.) Now the mouse had just met a lady mouse so nature took its course and something along the lines of "He put his mouse willy in, then out, then in, then out and then he did white wee." happened. And somehow, I got my (probably) first erection. Off my friend.Telling an erotic story. About mice. Explains a lot really.

The shame's setting in now.
(Thu 25th Jan 2007, 22:54, More)

» Road Rage

About a year ago my car got written off by some drunk bastard,
anyway I was using a bus for the first time in ages and was with my good friend Tony. Now Tony is a muslim, and this being recently after July 7th he was getting a lot of funny looks. So when he gets off the bus I decided it would be funny, just after the doors have closed to shout "Mate you've forgotten your backpack!"

Next thing everyone moves to the back trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Then the driver slams on the brakes, so, red-faced, I explain it was a joke. A torrent of naughty, naughty, very, very naughty words followed so I pressed the emergency door open button and dived out.

Can you believe that I'm a father?
(Sat 14th Oct 2006, 18:19, More)