» Letters they'll never read

To my son, born 28th February 2010
To my darling beautiful son,

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I just want you to know just how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are.

You have your dad's face, you know that? You should know, I told you a million times, I'm sure. But my nose. You were always going to have my nose - there's no way you were getting out of it. It's a good nose. Your perfect little arms and legs, all long and gangly, they're your dad's. Your feet, your hands... Perfect.

I cherish every moment of my pregnancy, every little kick I felt. Even the times you would scare me by not kicking for a while, then trying to karate-chop your way out of me when I got too worried. I even cherish the heartburn you were responsible for!

You're so loved, little one. I spent the whole two days we were in hospital after you were born stroking your little face, amazed by your soft skin. Your dad had a lot of cuddles when I could bring myself to give you up.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand why your heart stopped beating while you were inside of me. Even if all the tests they did on the two of us show a medical reason, I'll never know why I was fated to be the mummy of a stillborn child. I'll never know why I had to plan a funeral for my baby when I was meant to still be pregnant.

I'm happy I was able to give you life inside me, that you seem to have died happy. At 32 weeks, you would have discovered dreams recently. I hope they were nice, baby boy. Did you dream about me like I did you? Could you hear me planning for your birth? Are you as proud of me as I am of you?

I'm glad we were allowed that time with you - I never knew that I would be allowed to keep you in the room with me after you were born. I'm glad we got a lot of photos of you. Do you know that the photographer that came and took your photo is putting some up for selection in an exhibition especially for pictures of sick or stillborn children? Your dad and I are so incredibly proud of that fact - even someone who sees a lot of children all the time knows how beautiful you are!

I was so scared every time someone would come into the room, thinking they were coming to take you away from me. Having to walk away from that hospital room was the hardest part of my life up to that point - it's now been succeeded by having to place the lid on your coffin.

I can still see your little face when I close my eyes. I hope those images never fade away. I hope I never forget the feeling of your sweet soft skin under my fingertips. I hope I continue to smell your scent in quiet moments. I know I'll never forget you.

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I'm sure you know how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are, even in death.

Love always,
Your mummy.
(Tue 9th Mar 2010, 14:26, More)

» Other people's diaries

I read my little brother's text messages a couple of years ago
Most were from his girlfriend, asking if she could "meet Bruce" again. Yes, my brother's nicknamed his boy-parts "Bruce". I would've left them in eace if they were older, but as she was 13 at the time and he was 14, I felt obligated to take the piss out of it as much as possible. Even to the point that when we got a new dog I suggested the name Bruce.

Length? He's my brother, how would I know?
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 23:17, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

"THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH
...if that's okay with the rest of you guys..."
(Fri 4th May 2007, 3:24, More)

» Mistaken Identity

My family has a habit of calling each other by the wrong name
Such as my Nan who has 6 kids - "Bil-Bar-Gav-Sue-Ken-WARREN!"

My favourite story though, is myself. Always being picked on by my brothers, I'm inevidibly yelling at either of them. This has become fairly common, so they hardly notice. On one occasion, however, I saw red. I had tripped over one of their toys and screamed the house down for five minutes - using MY OWN NAME throughout the whole rant. I didn't even notice until I calmed down a little and wondered why my whole family were rolling around on the floor, purple with laughter...
(Tue 5th Jun 2007, 8:05, More)

» My first experience of porn

Innocently looking up Backstreet Boys websites...
At a public library. I hadn't discovered Google, or any form of search engine at that time, so my "searching" involved me taking pot shots at what a site's address would be.

www.Backstreetboys.com - Nothing. Hmm, let's break down the name then.

www.Backstreet.com - Nothing.

www.Boys.com - BINGO! A wonderful not-so-little free gay website, filled to the brim with men in what can only be described as "interesting" poses.

Because it was a library computer I was viewing it on, it ran a little slow. It went even slower when trying to get the fuck off a gay porn website. Librarian pokes her head around the corner to see why my little face had gone ghost-white.

I've been banned from that library for eight years now.
(Wed 31st Jan 2007, 23:02, More)