Homeopathy

(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 14:59, More)

» Voyeurism

my folks bought a camcorder
and being about 14 at the time, I decided that filming myself having a wank was the most creative use of this shiny new toy.

Now, obviously, I knew how sensitive this sort of material can be when you've got two sisters, so I thought the best place to leave the tape was in the camera.

In the cupboard.

Where everyone had access to it.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but my younger sister showed it to all of her friends who promptly told theirs and so on and so on.

12 years later and the story still comes back to me on occasion, with more and more embellishments each time. The most recent version has me fucking a teddy bear while wearing a skin tight catsuit and shouting my mother's name.

I also found photos my sister took of her vag, but being a decent sort of a bloke I have said nothing as yet.

Also, I went to school with the guy who delivers my parents' post. He said that one day while delivering to their house, he caught - through the window - a glimpse of my dad wanking into the fruit bowl.

what the fuck is wrong with my family?
(Mon 15th Oct 2007, 1:21, More)

» Evil Pranks

University
I think I was a bit of a cunt at uni... My flat mate Jon was a bit wet behind the ears when we were in Halls of residence, so we all used to play little jokes on him. I hid his shoes once, so he went and forked out 40 quid on a new pair without even mentioning it to anyone. Also, he used to love those Mr. Kipling mini bramley apple pies which he'd eat with custard all the time. One evening I carefully opened the box, took out a pie, scraped the apple from within and cracked an egg into the pastry case which I microwaved, replace the lid using a jam adhesive and put back in the box, sealing again with glue.

A few days later we all went out on the lash and got pretty innebriated and got the inevitable drunken-hunger when we got back to the flat. Jon went straight for the pies, took out the egg-pie with a couple of others and threw them in a bowl with some custard and scoffed the lot.

He thought it tasted a bit funny, maybe it was going off. But he still ate the whole damn thing. It was all I could do not piss myself.

I used to do things like this quite a lot to poor old Jon, and he got more and more wild as the year went on. At the end of the first year, we came back from a night out to find him eating anti-depressants and paracetamol from the bottles, washing them down with vodka wearing just his pants while sitting on the window ledge. He really had flipped - he chinned me, pulled some trousers on jumped in his car to go off to Tesco for more pills, pissed as a fart. When he came back it took three coppers to break the window and drag him out while he still had his foot ion the accelerator...

I was wracked with guilt for the whole summer, thinking I was responsible for his mental episode. I spoke to him when we came back in the second year and he told me it was our other flatmate Rick who had been bullying him really badly all year, and no one else had noticed. He thought my pranks were funny and had actually been putting small bits of paper cut from the bible in my cereal for the whole year. I have eaten all of Genesis apparently.

So we all got Rick when he left halfway through the year. His very prim and conservative Mother came to pick him up, so we helped pack his stuff into the car. Including the 5 record bags PACKED with really nasty porn that we all 'accidentally' dropped, spilling their contents into the street.

His mum didn't know where to look, but to his embarrassment started picking them up and putting them all away coz we couldn't stand up anymore and the neighbours were all watching....
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 13:42, More)

» Eccentrics

This is what I would do if I had the cash
I once worked at a festival, back in about 1997, and the land we hired was from a mental millionaire who owned most of the surrounding countryside. I never met the man myself, but was regaled with tales of his eccentricity by the locals and my co-workers.

Apparently he has a compressed air cannon onto which he loads cars and flings them across the fields for fun. I was also told that he has his dining room rigged up so that at a push of a button he can drop any guests he doesn't like into the basement, James Bond villain style.

But my favourite story was that he has, get this, a FULL SIZE MECHANICAL ELEPHANT that runs on diesel which he regularly rides around his estate.

If I were a millionaire I would do exactly the same stuff. Except I would do it naked.
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 10:07, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

My sister told me this
I'm not sure if this is an urban legend, but my sister tells me it happened to her mate, and I've not heard it before....

Basically, my sister's mate, D, came over to her place before they all went out to a gig in our nations glorious capital. He noticed that they had a box of Nesquick on the side in the kitchen. "I fucking love Nesquick" he says and proceeds to drink 3 pints of it before they leave the house.

That night, they're all having a cracking time at the gig, but D comes over all funny and promptly shits himself in the middle of the dancefloor. Obviously embarassed he heads for the door, runs back to my sister's place (thankfully not too far away) and cleans himself up. He borrows some trousers from a housemate and before he leaves, sneaks in another couple of pints of Nesquick.

When he gets back to the bar they're at, he gets a round in, they all laugh at him shitting himself and a jolly time is had by all. Until he shits himself again, and this time in borrowed trousers. After disappearing he doesn't reapper that night.

The following week, they are going out again and after consuming another few pints of Nesquick, D shits himself once again.

It is suggested to D that perhaps the nesquick has something to do with him constantly shitting himself in public, and that it's not very comely and he wont get a girlfriend that way etc etc etc. his response is: "I know, but I REALLY fucking love Nesquick"
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 16:07, More)

» Food sabotage

bit of a pea
As chronicled here: Evil Pranks, I used to be a bit of a cunt to a flatmate, Jon, at uni, mostly by sabotaging his food in ways that I thought he'd figure out, but more often than not, being something of a mollycoddled lad, he just ate the horrible stuff.

Some examples:

One of my other flatmantes was diabetic and had hypodermics in abundance. I used a syringe and spent a couple of hours sucking orange juice out of the fresh, sealed box he had bought and replacing it with vinegar.

I hollowed out a mr Kipling Apple pie (he loved the miniature ones), cracked an egg into the pie casing, microwaved it and then stuck the pie lid back on, and carefully resealed the box. He ate it while drunk and though noticing something was wrong, continued to lick the bowl clean.

Replaced custard powder with flour and wept with laughter when he just couldn't figure out what was wrong.

I think the crowning achievement was hollowing out an apple and filling it with hundreds of tiny balls of plasticene. He absolutely shit himself with that one.

Yes I was a complete twat. But an ingenious and patient one, I like to think... He got me back though. He had been putting tiny pieces of pages from the bible into my food every day. He fed me Genesis...
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:51, More)