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» Buses
I love you Raymond...
This is a tale of quality irish bus drivers.
Back in the days when I drank properly, my mate that owns a pub, his dad and another regular decided to take on the 'Cork Challenge' (not that weird you depraved lot).
The Cork Challenge is a charity event that allows you to go to pubs, have a pint in each in the name of charity, have your photo taken in front of it (in fancy dress), and first to the Murphy's brewery in Dublin with the most pubs wins a prize.
We set off from the North East, down the tyne valley, over to the lakes (where we got our only free pint), around Liverpool (a fucking leprachaun standing outside an orangemen's pub is NOT a good idea), into North Wales and eventually we find Anglesey and the ferry port.
We left the car there and jumped on the ferry after a bit of kip.
Standing in the queue (yes that is how you spell a line of people), a couple of inebriated twat scousers show up. One is a fucking hippo-like munter of the highest chav order with more gold on than Elizabeth Duke. The other is a lanky unshaven dirty thick as pig-shit chav (much like the ones guarding the gaps in the fence at Glastonbury). These two wastes of skin are off to Dublin to celebrate their engagement. Hurrah!
We finally get on the ferry having seen these two eat each other alive in the waiting room - not pleasant at 2am.
We shuffle off and find some seats and a cup of tea and try and sleep ourselves to the emerald isle. Periodically the munter and 'Raymond' wander around the ship, pissed out of their tiny minds alternately arguing or making up from their argument, the munter, who we shall call Sharon for ease can only say two things - 'I love you Raymond' and 'I want a bacardi breezer'.
5 hours later we're in Dublin - hurrah - we can escape the moronic chavs and go for a good irish breakfast and a pint of the black stuff.
No such luck, the shuttle bus (see this is on topic) arrives to take us all into the city. Cost - 1 Euro per person. We pile on and pay our 4 Euros. Sharon shuffles on behind us, pays and wheezes her way into the flid seats. Raymond barrells his way on to the bus and tries to avoid paying.
The delightful irish bus driver asks him (politely) to come back and pay. Raymond refuses. The driver asks again, Raymond asks 'Woi the fuck caaan't I go for nuthin?' - The driver replies 'Because everyone else has paid and there are no exceptions to the rule'
Raymond whinges "Well I'm on the bus I'm not fucking going anywhere"
Bus driver: "If you haven't got a Euro you can get off my fecking bus and fuck off back to England you druken twat"
The rest of the bus, at this point are in stunned silence. Watching intently at what will happen.
Sharon weighs in (considerably) at this point: "Go on mate, let him on the bus pleeeeze" (Why the fuck she didn't pay, I have not a clue)
Bus driver: "No, he needs to pay"
Raymond: "Go on mate"
Bus driver: "Have you got a Euro?"
Raymond: "No"
Bus driver: "Well get off my fucking bus" Then physically lilfts the chav and dumps him on his arse in the car park. Raymond reeling in shock from this quality action (and being 14 sheets to the wind), can't get up.
The bus driver quietly returns to the bus and drives off to a round of applause and much laughter from the other passengers.
Sharon sticks her head out (well more of close too, it was the size of an A4 paper box) the window "I looooovvveee yoooouu Raymond!"
Dublin Port Bus Drivers - don't cross 'em!
As an aside we got another bus from Dublin to Cork (4 hours on a coach, joy). However the driver was happy to stop outside every pub on the route for us to leap out for a picture - what a fucking legend!
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 13:58, More)
I love you Raymond...
This is a tale of quality irish bus drivers.
Back in the days when I drank properly, my mate that owns a pub, his dad and another regular decided to take on the 'Cork Challenge' (not that weird you depraved lot).
The Cork Challenge is a charity event that allows you to go to pubs, have a pint in each in the name of charity, have your photo taken in front of it (in fancy dress), and first to the Murphy's brewery in Dublin with the most pubs wins a prize.
We set off from the North East, down the tyne valley, over to the lakes (where we got our only free pint), around Liverpool (a fucking leprachaun standing outside an orangemen's pub is NOT a good idea), into North Wales and eventually we find Anglesey and the ferry port.
We left the car there and jumped on the ferry after a bit of kip.
Standing in the queue (yes that is how you spell a line of people), a couple of inebriated twat scousers show up. One is a fucking hippo-like munter of the highest chav order with more gold on than Elizabeth Duke. The other is a lanky unshaven dirty thick as pig-shit chav (much like the ones guarding the gaps in the fence at Glastonbury). These two wastes of skin are off to Dublin to celebrate their engagement. Hurrah!
We finally get on the ferry having seen these two eat each other alive in the waiting room - not pleasant at 2am.
We shuffle off and find some seats and a cup of tea and try and sleep ourselves to the emerald isle. Periodically the munter and 'Raymond' wander around the ship, pissed out of their tiny minds alternately arguing or making up from their argument, the munter, who we shall call Sharon for ease can only say two things - 'I love you Raymond' and 'I want a bacardi breezer'.
5 hours later we're in Dublin - hurrah - we can escape the moronic chavs and go for a good irish breakfast and a pint of the black stuff.
No such luck, the shuttle bus (see this is on topic) arrives to take us all into the city. Cost - 1 Euro per person. We pile on and pay our 4 Euros. Sharon shuffles on behind us, pays and wheezes her way into the flid seats. Raymond barrells his way on to the bus and tries to avoid paying.
The delightful irish bus driver asks him (politely) to come back and pay. Raymond refuses. The driver asks again, Raymond asks 'Woi the fuck caaan't I go for nuthin?' - The driver replies 'Because everyone else has paid and there are no exceptions to the rule'
Raymond whinges "Well I'm on the bus I'm not fucking going anywhere"
Bus driver: "If you haven't got a Euro you can get off my fecking bus and fuck off back to England you druken twat"
The rest of the bus, at this point are in stunned silence. Watching intently at what will happen.
Sharon weighs in (considerably) at this point: "Go on mate, let him on the bus pleeeeze" (Why the fuck she didn't pay, I have not a clue)
Bus driver: "No, he needs to pay"
Raymond: "Go on mate"
Bus driver: "Have you got a Euro?"
Raymond: "No"
Bus driver: "Well get off my fucking bus" Then physically lilfts the chav and dumps him on his arse in the car park. Raymond reeling in shock from this quality action (and being 14 sheets to the wind), can't get up.
The bus driver quietly returns to the bus and drives off to a round of applause and much laughter from the other passengers.
Sharon sticks her head out (well more of close too, it was the size of an A4 paper box) the window "I looooovvveee yoooouu Raymond!"
Dublin Port Bus Drivers - don't cross 'em!
As an aside we got another bus from Dublin to Cork (4 hours on a coach, joy). However the driver was happy to stop outside every pub on the route for us to leap out for a picture - what a fucking legend!
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 13:58, More)
» Dumb things you've done
Supaglue
Using your teeth to open a particularly stubbon supaglue tube and inadvertantly gluing your bottom lip over your top lip on one side.
I looked like that alsatian with a hair lip from Jasper Carrot's dvd.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 12:57, More)
Supaglue
Using your teeth to open a particularly stubbon supaglue tube and inadvertantly gluing your bottom lip over your top lip on one side.
I looked like that alsatian with a hair lip from Jasper Carrot's dvd.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 12:57, More)
» Political Correctness Gone Mad
epileptic offence
We recently recieved a note asking us not to have 'brainstorming sessions' as it may offend those who are epileptic or stroke victims.
Office has now spent a serious (ie £ks) restructuring its training programme to remove all references.
That's govt for you!
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 13:08, More)
epileptic offence
We recently recieved a note asking us not to have 'brainstorming sessions' as it may offend those who are epileptic or stroke victims.
Office has now spent a serious (ie £ks) restructuring its training programme to remove all references.
That's govt for you!
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 13:08, More)
» Terrible Parenting
Forced football fan
On the train home the other day, a Chav mother had dressed her 2 yr old blonde offspring in the latest Newcastle football shirt. (Child is so small, Shirt comes down to ankles).
Now that not being cruel enough, mother has provided said child with matching gold hoop earrings, necklace and braclet. (Elizabeth Duke's finest...probably).
Then as part of final punishment to said blonde toddler. Made child get off at Sunderland station.
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 10:02, More)
Forced football fan
On the train home the other day, a Chav mother had dressed her 2 yr old blonde offspring in the latest Newcastle football shirt. (Child is so small, Shirt comes down to ankles).
Now that not being cruel enough, mother has provided said child with matching gold hoop earrings, necklace and braclet. (Elizabeth Duke's finest...probably).
Then as part of final punishment to said blonde toddler. Made child get off at Sunderland station.
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 10:02, More)