» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Fashion mistakes
I'm not someone who should be allowed to buy his own clothes - I invariably end up with something that doesn't fit or should not be worn by anyone. Ever. Anyway, one time I got a long brown rain coat that seemed cool at the time but a. stank of dead cats when wet and b. looked like a flasher's mac.

My other weakness is pick n' mix sweets in the cinema. I get a "few" of each and end up with half a kilo. One time I REALLY overdid it and ended up with enough sweets to last me a week.

So, I'm wearing the coat of a sex-case and I've got a bag of sweets in my pocket - if I'd been picked up by the police that would have been enough evidence to have me put on the register....
(Tue 22nd Aug 2006, 21:54, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

My Girl Loves Me
I have a lurcher and a Rescue Greyhound Bitch called Kuri. She's a little bewildered by domestic life having had 5 years of kennels and racing. Anyway, here's my story.

Since I was 15 I've always had a hand towel by my bed. It comes in useful about once every 24 hours on average - put simply this towel has seen more spuff than the only prostitute in a Bulgarian village. Incidentally the towel was originally my grandma's.

Anyway, Kuri developed a fascination with said towel and went for it a few times. I always got it back off her until one day when the bedroom door was left open and she got in. I was distraught to see my orange wanking towel, torn to shreds outside my room. Bits of it were passing out of her for 3 days....

Subsequently she's eaten my spuffy tissues too.....
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 22:52, More)