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Magician, writer, and person on the internet.

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» Tramps

Primark
Oh god, all I can think about is tramps now.

When I was a young lad, I wondered into the local Primark. there, inside a clothes rack, was a homeless man drinking a Costa coffee. he said "Hello" and pulled the clothes back around himself.
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 16:40, More)

» Tramps

A Better Class...
Picture the scene: it was Rockness 2009, and there I was sat with Dave and Russ in Chris' Mate. (I should probably explain that Chris' mate was what we christened our tent, in honour of the mobile phone we found on the bus to said festival. The only identifying features were 2 texts: one from mum saying how proud she was, one to a man called Chris. Hence Chris' Mate. I should also point out there was a video of the phone's owner fapping in the video gallery...)

But I digress...

There we were sat, in Chris' Mate, lighting our barbeque using some smuggled in lighter fluid. Cue the fireman coming over and telling us to move our (now burning hot) barbeque to one of the designated cooking areas. We enquired where this was. He hadn't a bloody clue. So we moved the fire next to the fence, which was apparently good enough for him.

It was then that we noticed the tent. I say tent, what it really was was a couple of bin bags tied to the fence in a rudimentay bivouac-like fashion. And it was held together with chopsticks. Looking over towards a group of casual stoners, we discovered the dwelling's owner: a tramp of questionable origins, wearing a hat saying "Shit happens" and open-toed sandals revealling the blackest toes ever seen on a white man.

We later got chatting to said tramp, and what a nice fella he was too. His voice lilted with a West Country accent, and, as it turned out, he was touring the festivals of the United Kingdom. As he always did. Apparently.

So we gave him a lorne sausage, and continued merrily conversing as he tried to sell his 'tent' to passing piss-heads. He offered to include a free puncture repair kit (a bin bag) and would take anything he was offered. The reason for him selling his cushie abode, apparently, was that the aforementioned stoners had decided to let him stay in their tent for the remainder of the festival.

As we left to see the first band of the day, no-one had taken him up on his offer. However, he had errected a sign which read "Tent for Sale" and had a mobile number on it.

We never saw him again, but in his own words, he was "a better class of tramp". And do you know what? He really was...

P.S. If you're really that keen, here's a pic of the grubby chap himself: picasaweb.google.co.uk/herculesmoments/Rockness2009#5352686576181407698
P.P.S. Pop...
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 16:05, More)

» Good Advice

A local homeless chap...
...once jumped out at me - an eight year old Beetle at the time - and my mum. He was known for talking to himself unintelligably, and was banned from all the local shops for being drunk.

On this occasion, however, he turned and looked me directly in the eye. I'll admit, I was a bit scared (not quite to the level of sharting, but it was touch and go for a while) but I'll never foget those words of wisdom he spoke unto me: "You've only got one head, so make sure you don't lose it."

It's actually sound advice, if you think about it. Anyway, the story goes that he was a brilliant (and rich) scientist, his wife died, and he went crazy and started living in a tent in a field. So really, he must have known what he was talking about.
(Sun 23rd May 2010, 10:39, More)

» Tramps

One Head
Just remembered another encounter with a tramp.

If you live round where I do, you will know the Airyhall Tramp. Everyone knows the Airyhall Tramp. Banned from all local shops and known for talking to himself in Oxfam. Unfortunately he has disappeared from our lives for the time being. Probably because he is dead. But we shall see.

Some say he used to be a rich scientist, whose wife left him and he went insane. But no-one knows for sure. To give you an example of the kind of guy he was, my friend once saw him pissing on a grave so shouted at him to stop. The dirty bugger did up his flies, turned round, and chased my mate brandishing a broken glass bottle. Luckily he was pissed, so didn't keep up for long.

But I remember one time, when I was wee, and I was walking to the shops with my mum. He stopped dead in front of us. Taken aback, we too stopped. He looked me square in the eye, and said "You've only got on head. So make sure you don't lose it."

At the time I thought this to be hilarious, yet now I realise he had given me some sound advice. I will forever be in debt to the Airyhall Tramp...
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 16:28, More)