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» Food sex

Raspberry Revenge
I'll keep the story brief as I only read the short ones myself.

Long story short my favourite dessert many years ago was the Sarah Lee Raspberry Danish from the frozen aisle. Whenever I was feeling down, or my girlfriend had pissed me off, she'd produce the dessert as a peace offering, much like the petrol station bunch of flowers.

One day I was so pissed off at her, even the Danish wasn't going to help, I was expecting one when I got home, but I had different plans for this one.

When she produced it I said "You know what'd be really sexy?"... "If I smeared it all over your body and licked it off". I led her upstairs, foil-cased Danish in hand, opened it up and got started. For anybody who's never seen one of these desserts it's far more pastry than anything else, so not really suited for the task. That didn't stop me getting stuck in tearing bits off, making sure plenty of cream and rasberry juice was used as a bonding agent.

Finally when she looked a complete and utter mess and was visibly turned on at the prospect of me licking it off, I buggered off downstairs and watched telly.

To this day I still think it's the harshest thing I've ever done, but I WAS really really pissed off with her, although I can't remember specifically why!
(Tue 11th Aug 2009, 15:25, More)

» Food sex

Ice Cream Mousse doesn't work.
My second laughable disaster was with those tubs of ice cream that come in packs of 8 or so frrom the supermarket, raspberry ripple usually, more mousse than ice creams.

Having got a couple from the freezer on a very hot day (we were already thus semi-naked) we decided to utilise them to cool other parts of our bodies down. First she picked up hers and pasted it all over my cock before licking it off in a manner that appeared she'd prefer the introduction of sugar-based snacks into every love making situation.

When it was my turn however, things weren't as much fun, I can only imagine that having been so turned on by giving me head she didn't require the additional lubrication of the ice cream mousse, because when I smeared it onto her it somehow reacted with her own juices and curdled the ice cream. I'll never forget it to this day, the mixture of warm and cold, sweet and sour, the horrid slimy consistency with the feint tang of raspberry...

Of course being the doting lover that I am I had to smile through the whole ordeal and pretend that I was thouroughly enjoying this coagulated cocktail of calamity.
(Tue 11th Aug 2009, 15:34, More)

» Call Centres

South African 1500m runner opens bank account
I recently opened a bank account with Abbey (taking advantage of the multiple current accounts with Santander 6% interested rate scam) and must have accidentally had a mouse slip when selecting my title from the drop down box. I got the confirmation letter through entitled Mrs MattyLion.

I rung up the customer service number only be told it wasn't possible to change this kind of information over the phone (as if I'd had a recent sex change). I was adamant that I wasn't asking to CHANGE my gender, just get it right in the first place but no luck.

The chap kindly suggested I'd have to go into my local branch to prove my gender, I'm off into Chester this afternoon to slap my tackle on the cashiers desk, or possiby against the glass.

Incidentally why the hell doesn't the credit check they do bring up such disparity?
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 15:06, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

Ok the first real story, quick and dirty!
One of my ex's revealed the story to me of how she started on the road to masturbation. Rather than going in off the deep end, if you'll pardon the pun, she elected to find varying size objects around the house, a sort of masturbatory socket wrench set.

She started with a cotton bud apparently, I'd be surprised if that was a struggle.
Second up was a felt tip pen.
Then she hit the fridge salad crisper for a carrot, followed by a slightly bigger carrot.

The problem was she was disturbed by her parents coming home earlier than expected. She spent so much time worrying about her state of undress and her hair being out of place that she completely forgot about the fact that the kitchen floor was adorned with this trainee toolkit of titillation!

Needless to say it didn't take them long to work out what these unusually moist objects were doing on the floor lined up in size order.

Length? The furthest she got was about halfway up the big carrot.
(Thu 17th Feb 2011, 12:37, More)

» Real Life Slapstick II

Perpetual stumble.
I was walking home one day with a lady friend when she tripped, most likely on a raised paving slab. As she did so she attempted to correct the stumble and avoid falling flat on her face. She used the standard technique of reaching her arms out in front of her, bending at the waist and taking a few giant pounding steps until the momentum had ceased.

Unfortunately it wasn't a few steps, she never seemed to be regaining control, one or two steps turned into four or five, which quickly turned into ten or twelve. As she accelerated away from me with her giant's gait I went from a mild smirk to a soft snigger and eventually broke out in fits of laughter. By that point she was at least 20 yards ahead of me so she couldn't hear.

To this day I'm not sure how she managed to fall for quite that length of time or distance. If it were me I'd have given up and allowed myself to sprawl on the pavement after the first few steps.

Incidentally, nostalgia may cause the distance to increase every time I tell the story, but it was at least three times as far as I'd ever seen anyone stumble before.
(Tue 7th Oct 2014, 10:44, More)
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