» Food sex

Raspberry Revenge
I'll keep the story brief as I only read the short ones myself.

Long story short my favourite dessert many years ago was the Sarah Lee Raspberry Danish from the frozen aisle. Whenever I was feeling down, or my girlfriend had pissed me off, she'd produce the dessert as a peace offering, much like the petrol station bunch of flowers.

One day I was so pissed off at her, even the Danish wasn't going to help, I was expecting one when I got home, but I had different plans for this one.

When she produced it I said "You know what'd be really sexy?"... "If I smeared it all over your body and licked it off". I led her upstairs, foil-cased Danish in hand, opened it up and got started. For anybody who's never seen one of these desserts it's far more pastry than anything else, so not really suited for the task. That didn't stop me getting stuck in tearing bits off, making sure plenty of cream and rasberry juice was used as a bonding agent.

Finally when she looked a complete and utter mess and was visibly turned on at the prospect of me licking it off, I buggered off downstairs and watched telly.

To this day I still think it's the harshest thing I've ever done, but I WAS really really pissed off with her, although I can't remember specifically why!
(Tue 11th Aug 2009, 15:25, More)

» Food sex

Ice Cream Mousse doesn't work.
My second laughable disaster was with those tubs of ice cream that come in packs of 8 or so frrom the supermarket, raspberry ripple usually, more mousse than ice creams.

Having got a couple from the freezer on a very hot day (we were already thus semi-naked) we decided to utilise them to cool other parts of our bodies down. First she picked up hers and pasted it all over my cock before licking it off in a manner that appeared she'd prefer the introduction of sugar-based snacks into every love making situation.

When it was my turn however, things weren't as much fun, I can only imagine that having been so turned on by giving me head she didn't require the additional lubrication of the ice cream mousse, because when I smeared it onto her it somehow reacted with her own juices and curdled the ice cream. I'll never forget it to this day, the mixture of warm and cold, sweet and sour, the horrid slimy consistency with the feint tang of raspberry...

Of course being the doting lover that I am I had to smile through the whole ordeal and pretend that I was thouroughly enjoying this coagulated cocktail of calamity.
(Tue 11th Aug 2009, 15:34, More)

» Call Centres

South African 1500m runner opens bank account
I recently opened a bank account with Abbey (taking advantage of the multiple current accounts with Santander 6% interested rate scam) and must have accidentally had a mouse slip when selecting my title from the drop down box. I got the confirmation letter through entitled Mrs MattyLion.

I rung up the customer service number only be told it wasn't possible to change this kind of information over the phone (as if I'd had a recent sex change). I was adamant that I wasn't asking to CHANGE my gender, just get it right in the first place but no luck.

The chap kindly suggested I'd have to go into my local branch to prove my gender, I'm off into Chester this afternoon to slap my tackle on the cashiers desk, or possiby against the glass.

Incidentally why the hell doesn't the credit check they do bring up such disparity?
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 15:06, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

When parental controls were a mystery...
In sixth form at school we got a new computer room, full of Pentium 1's i believe, we were dead chuffed, we were each called into a room to be given our top-secret username and password, which consisted or a rudimentary surname, first initial username and the default password "password".
After generally pratting about on the internet for a few hours, we decided that we could hack the accounts of those kids who were off school that day. We logged into our friend John's and changed his password to something we could all easily remember, this turned out to be "poo".

When it was time for study leave we snuck into the computer room one morning, all logged in under JohnC - Poo and started surfing for porn, we'd all done a bit before but not to this extent, fisting, pissing, all sorts was on offer (no goatse i'm afraid!) then one of the guys starts sending stuff to the printer, before we know it it's got well out of hand and there's A4 pictures of hardcore sex, bizarre insertions and pissing adorning the walls of the computer room. Satisfied with this we strolled out and thought nothing of it!

Apparenly it was a year 7 class in there next, god only knows how we warped their little minds, we were called in by our Head of 6th form while we were at home and came in as a group, turns out the first person they'd called was John who had to explain that IF it was him he wouldn't have the password poo, how they knew it was us i don't know! To this day i don't know how were weren't expelled, i mean what do you have to do to get expulsion from school?!

I think they figured we were good intelligent kids who if they didn't let do their exams would probably bring the grade average down for the year!

Still i look back on that moment and wonder how and why we ever did it, rush of blood to the head i think.
(Mon 23rd Jul 2007, 13:13, More)

» Puns

While working in retail...
... I often found myself merchandising, putting up display posters and the like.

I'd always use this gem:

*puts poster up ridiculously low on wall*

Me: "How's that boss?"

Boss: "A bit higher"

*puts on squeaky high pitched voice but keeps poster at same level on wall*

Me: "How's that boss?"

Never fails to get a laugh.

NB: Also works with lower for those insecure about their sexuality.
(Mon 9th Mar 2009, 11:04, More)