» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

Twisting the topic slightly...
...but after 10 months of no sex. Of listening and being a nice guy. Of going on holiday and sitting in a hotel room saying how "I was happy to wait till she was ready". Of lying in bed and dry humping until I got friction burns on my little fellow. Of averting my eyes from other girls so as not to hurt her feelings.

I ended up cheating on her and meeting the girl I love today. Who is very happy to indulge the vast quantity of sex I require.

She's now happy to sleep with her female flatmate, so I guess that's life.
(Sat 14th Apr 2007, 20:31, More)

» Gyms

We've all done it
Smashing along on the treadmill that first thought pops into your head. Of course it's discounted straight away, but like a particularly smelly fart it always finds a way out.

As the thought germinates you feel your body going through the motions, it's like a trained army unit - every necessary component does what it's supposed to without any conscious decision.

Finally, mid-stride your legs tense, you jump and...


...rather than executing a perfect twist in the opposite direction with an impeccable dismount that would make OkGo applaud, you fall over and get tangled up in the rubber of the treadmill - losing half the skin on your thighs in the process.

Doesn't stop me doing it every bloomin' time though!
(Thu 9th Jul 2009, 17:52, More)

» Celebrities part II

She's sooooo weeeeee!
When it comes to celebs, I'm of the opinion that they're all just normal people in the end and don't want to be bothered (and if they do want to be bothered, then they can't be normal and should be avoided).

This usually means that if I see anyone famous, I'll attempt to behave in as restrained a manner as possible. Of course that'd make for a very boring QOTW answer, and so it was on the occasion that Lucy Porter Visited My Work.

Being an employee of a "Large Scottish Newspaper" during the festival did mean that we'd get a fair few celeb types through the door, and I happened to notice a face at reception that looked familiar. My calm exterior lasted all the time it took to get to my desk, at which point I exploded "Oh my god, oh my god I think Lucy Porter is at the front desk!" complete with arm gestures and manic grin.

Of course it probably was the final statement (bellowed rather than whispered) that really sealed my embaressment.

SHE'S SOOOOO WEEEE!

Erhem.
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 13:39, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

---Wibbley wobbley lines & harp music----
Cast your minds back to the early 90s, an era of...well honestly I couldn't tell you courtesy of a pretty awful memory.

I was a slightly smaller 'Hound, and still in Primary School. At the time my dad had an awfully stylish Casio calculator that was awfully small and awfully thin - about the size of a credit card.

I'd been allowed to take it to school with me, and following my day of state sponsored learning I strolled home. Quite what possessed me to spend a large chunk of that stroll with the calculator pressed to me ear I will never know, but to this day I still cringe when thinking about it.


Size? About 85mm x 55mm x 4mm, and extremely difficult to get a grip on.
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 17:54, More)

» Picky Eaters

So it's milk right? But it's kinda gone off?
Yes it's that wonderful substance we all call cheese. Or as I have decided it's called, the evil yellow substance of doom.

'cept I'm convinced I'm going to like it eventually. Based on the following stories,

A wee bit of backstory, my dad's French, so from a young age I happily ate stuff like cheese, pate and all the other wonderful delicacies of the world. I was happy in my obliv..i...arity (don't check, it's a real word).

And then there's this period of my life where it all went to pot. I can remember oh so many strange situations:

Milk.

Yeah oddly enough I was never one for milk at first. It's got a bit of a crap taste you've got to admit, and it's not exactly the most well endorsed product (comes from cows boobs, has beasties in it which we think we've killed all of with deadly science). Back in primary school we had milk that parents could buy for their kids, and one day we had a spare. So the teacher like any good one decides to do a competition to see who gets it. I'm sure there was some brain usage, and being the smart like sprong I was I won. 'cept I'd forgetten I didn't like milk. Cue me attempting to not gag, and the teacher kicking the verbal shit out of me (or so it felt when you're 5).

End result, these days I love some milk on my cereal and I'm getting used to it on it's own.

--

Onion.

Onion's a bit of an odd one. On it's own it's like nature's z-list celebrity. It's always popping up everywhere, but it's never actually the reason you're there. Burgers, salads, soup, chilli etc all contain onion for flavouring. So guess who hated onion? Oh sure it was the texture and something else about it (the name maybe, why not call it something dynamic?) but for ages I wouldn't touch onion. We bought onion free burgers, I picked it out of food, and when I went round to a friend's house I sulked because there was onion in the food.

Fast forward to 6 years ago (is that grammatically correct?) and we're sat round the table. "I made sure to get the burgers without onion", pipes up dad. "Oh it's alright, I don't mind it anymore" I reply. The look on his face said it all. Can also now eat red onion in things, before then I was a bit wary of it....because it wasn't actually red. Or some other excuse.

--

Cheese.

Yes it's the title of my post, and you've been no doubt waiting for it. Well done, award yourself a prize. Maybe some crisps, how about that bottle of Hoegarden you've been waiting to buy?

Except cheese is still only half way down. I'll eat it on pizza, pasta (lasangne or parmasan). But if it's on a burger it's a no-no, if it's on toast it can go to hell, and if it's on it's own I'll run away. Which isn't great when your parents love their pongy cheese and you get a Pont l'Eveque in your face. Tears of sadness they are.

Other than that I won't touch:

Mushroom (devil stuff, and with a name beginning with mush and a look like some sort of diseased internal organ can you blame me?)

Courgette (once they're cooked they look vile and drippy)

Tomato (another veggie failure, it's too floppy and gooey inside and tough outside)

As for what I will eat....meat. But that's another story :)
(Fri 2nd Mar 2007, 0:58, More)