» Family Feuds

Fresh from the oven
Family feud? I reckon I might well have just started one.

Last weekend my sister decided to visit me at uni. Nothing that out of the ordinary, except that my girlfriend's family also decided it was about time they found out if the rest of my family are as screwed up as myself. The only reason I agreed is because my sister's the only one who's remotely sane - myself included. So there's 6 of us going around Sheffield, having a pretty decent time all round - me, my girlfriend, my sister, the parents ... and *her* 17 year old sister. This girl (let's call her R) and me have always had a bit of friendly arguing going on. She's been more than happy to give me everything ranging from dirty looks to attempts at dead legs, and I've been content in treating her like a bratty little sister. However, this time round she goes a little too far and starts getting on my nerves. So, I decide to get a little payback.

Two things before I carry on with this - first, R is ridiculously paranoid, and easy to wind up with it. I can get her to panic by just staring at the back of her neck and giggling slightly. Secondly, I have a really nasty sense of humour, *particularly* when it comes to practical jokes. I once 'shopped a tattoo onto my girlfriend's facebook photo as an April Fool's, just to watch her parents' reaction. Now, a particular favourite of mine is to leave an apparently used condom in a bag - relax, it's only milk, I'm not a total bastard. I even rinse them off to make sure it doesn't leave any lube around. My sister's already encountered this one before, but luckily (for her, at least) she found it while she was at home. R, on the other hand, was not so lucky...

Having put up with her most of Saturday, I get a chance to leave my calling card in her bag while she's out of the room. Me, my girlfriend and sister watch her folks leave while sniggering to ourselves and taking bets on how long it'll be there for. Personally, I'd reckon it be found the next day, but come Sunday, no mention of it. Yesterday, I got home from lectures to find a particularly harsh facebook message from R. It turns out she'd finally found the condom. In her geography class. Stuck to her folder. In front of her mates and her teacher. Did I mention she goes to a Catholic school?

Needless to say, I found this absolutely bloody hilarious. But I seriously doubt she'll forgive me for this one, and the parent's might have a few strong words for me too. I've also just realised that I'm going with her to the Motorhead gig in Manchester this weekend, so any b3tans in the area keep an eye on the sky for a pair of speeding objects - it'll probably be my lovespuds being knocked into orbit.

Apologies for length - it was an extra-large brand
(Tue 17th Nov 2009, 10:47, More)

» Puns

Not my best, but too recent
After a hard day's procrastination, a few mates were going on about the headline from the Daily Mail about a week ago saying that Facebook causes cancer - something that tested limits even for the Daily Mail in terms of credibility.

I wondered aloud how they could test that in research conditions, and came up with the groan-inducing "Maybe they signed up a few lab rats to MiceSpace..."

*waits for the backlash*
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 21:29, More)

» Puns

A little off-topic, and more than a little late
Visited my girlfriend's family for the first time last Christmas, and things seemed to go pretty well - although if it weren't for the fact I *knew* we were going holly picking, then the sight of her entire extended family turning up with axes and knives would've been a little... offputting.

Anyway, they'd saved the Choosing Of The Christmas Tree until she got home, and I went along for the ride. Or at least, we would have done if it weren't for my girlfriend's little sister.

She was taking an awfully long time getting ready, when the rest of us were already dressed and waiting. GF's dad - top bloke - starts to get irritated, wondering how it can take a teenage girl an hour just to get ready to go out and pick up a fir tree.

I guess my response of "Can't blame her for sprucing up" helped to smooth things up a little, heh.

That is all...
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 23:27, More)

» PE Lessons

The Curious Incident of the Golden Delicous in the Rugby Pitch
I've never really been the athletic sort - if I was given a choice between curling up with a decent book or go stomping through the mud trying to kick a ball between a couple of poles while a couple of kids from the housing estate tried to practice their mugging techniques on you, you could find me in library everytime. Still, I couldn't get away with it all the time, and I'd usually be coerced into joining in for football or rugby. I kept getting told I'd be perfect for the rugby squad, considering at the time I was built like the proverbial. However, I'd also been graced with a mind that knew the best way to avoid getting hurt (I'm a self-confessed coward when it comes to pain) is to do a lot of screaming and running a long way from the ball. Funilly enough, I never played more than one match in the squad, but that didn't stop the teachers trying to keep me in the training in case I got the hint.

However, even they gave up after one particular training exercise. We'd been playing a small 5-a-side game and for once I'd actually been enjoying things. It's possibly for this reason I was acting a little less cautious than usual, and actually being close enough to the ball to be considered fair game. I'm fairly slow on my feet, but I'm causing trouble and liking it - hey, this isn't so bad after all. Then I decide to actually tackle someone, how hard can it be? Problem is, someone else has decided to do the exact same thing.

Picture the scene - a group of 15-year-old boys, roaring with pubescent testosterone playing around with an odd shaped ball (quiet at the back). One of them finally tears away from the mob with it, and is charging straight up the pitch. But watch as the defenders move in to intercept - coming in from the left is our hero in this tale, yelling like a loon and almost salivating with adrenaline. coming in from the right is the school Knob, whose only passions in life include sport and riding anything that looks female. They're bothing big and fast, so this is going to be brutal. The attacker slips past both of them by a hair's breadth.

Inertia's a bitch sometimes. I had enough time to register this blur in front of me as my target slipped away, and possibly just enough time to think "oh sh-" before I collided tete-a-tete with Knob. Luckily for him, his brain was stored somewhere in the region of his boxers, so had little more than a headache for his trouble. Me, on the other hand, was knocked clean out, somehow managing to crumple into the recovery position (something that my PE teacher was a little impressed/disturbed by). I wake up a couple of seconds later with a blinding headache, surrounded by a group of teammates. Everything looks fine - just before someone shouts "Jesus Christ, look at that!", followed shortly by several people getting out their camera phones. Not a good sign. I reach up to my head to find someone has somehow shoved an apple under my skin, and it takes me a few seconds for my mildly-concussed mind to figure this one out. Oh dear.

One visit to the A&E courtesy of an ambulance, a couple of X-rays and a panic-stricken mum later, and I've been released from hospital after being given the all clear for concussion. I then spent the next two days with a migrane in bed while the lump faded (not entirely - still slightly raised where it used to be). After that, I gave up on the idea of dangerous sports - at least, until I discovered the awesomeness that is fire poi...

Length? About 5 seconds between nothing and Granny Smith
(Fri 20th Nov 2009, 23:50, More)

» Mistaken Identity

I keep getting mistaken...
...for someone who gives a flying feck.

Bindun already?
(Thu 7th Jun 2007, 21:10, More)