» Pointless Experiments

Self- medication, McGyver- style
Back in the days when men were men and sheep were nervous, i got myself a souvenir from the public swimming pool. Between two of my toes, the skin started doing things you shouldn't see before breakfast (or only if you plan a diet). It even stank.
Here curiosity came in: Could i cure this myself by sterilization?
I poured some grain alcohol over it which of course burned like, well, like grain alcohol in a festering wound. Felt good afterwards. Repeated that twice a day and it was gone after three days. Whee! Alcohol made my day again!

BTW, don't spill grain alcohol over your private parts. You'll want a shower very, very quickly, i told you.
Apologies for bad english. Length? Go stick your head in a pig.
(Wed 30th Jul 2008, 17:00, More)

» DIY disasters

How to anonymize your index finger
(Excuses for missing english vocabulary. Period)

It's so easy. You just need a motorbike, need for an oil change and some strength of will.

1. Drive the motorbike for 20 miles. Park it in your best friend's yard.

2. Place an oil change container under it. (It's a flat plastic container with a 8x8 in. hollow which has a hole at the bottom).

3. Unscrew the oil-drain plug from the oil sump. Hot oil pours out in a thick stream.

4. Drop the plug right into the hollow of the container. The plug fits into the hole of the container like youknowwhat, keeping the oil from running into the container. However, the motorbike still pisses its hot oil into the hollow.

5. Do what a hero would do: Avoid the spilling of 3 liters of hot oil by sticking your index finger up in the hole in the oil sump. Ignore the pain.

6. With your free hand, try to free the hole in the mold. Might take a minute if the screw fits really good.

7. If you got the screw out, the time for cursing and cooling your burnt finger has come. Wait a few days until the skin comes off.

Any motorbike holiday will become a very special amusement, not to mention the joy of putting on your gloves. Yummy!
My left index finger has only traces of a fingerprint since then.

Length? About 30 seconds for getting that plug out of the hole. Felt longer, somehow.
(Sat 5th Apr 2008, 19:50, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Crazy? Tell me who's not...
On typical days my granny is one of the shy, friendly and stone-deaf kind who seldom really annoys anyone.
On the weaker days she enters her preferred cafe for a piece of cake and a coffee, finds out she forgot her money and rants herself out of the situation: "The coffee was cold and the cake tasted foul!" Grabs her stuff and body-checks the waitress aside, leaving the cafe.
Waitress told me they already got used to this and just add the bill silently to the new bill of the next day. Granny doesn't notice anyway. I'd prefer to drop dead before i become like that.
(Thu 12th Jul 2007, 17:25, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Subject failure. At least partially
Under the given circumstances nudity was very expectable on this frech campsite. It was a public site with a sign saying that some dolt should unlock the toilets in the evening. All arrivers were told to install themselves. In fact the toilets were locked, but it seemed no problem to the newly-married Mrs. Timbolator and me.
As opposed to the expected key bearer, evening came (and went). Some bushes were watered by us and another couple, adding to 4 guests that night.
The next morning made it obvious: The night would be for free as well as the shit in the bushes. So after breakfast the full quartet strolled through the bushes and found their spot to dung. Obviosly quite a few visitors had done the same, so the Stinkfoot competition was disclosed. Watching unknown people crap in the bushes is definitely far from erotic. At least to me!
I had a really lovely shit in the freshest air poo_ssible.
After finishing and getting up again, i gasped in horror in sight of a giant turd i had obviously overlooked. How could i have missed this pile? And where is my humble heap? I
After some thinking i remembered the many toilet bowls i had sealed over the past years. My digestion is clearly an under-achiever.

Length? 1 ft. i guess
(Wed 3rd Jun 2009, 15:38, More)

» Cringe!

Now look what happened to yesterday's lunch
Back in the 90s i had spent a summer night at a campsite. When i woke up in the morning i felt very tired, so i stayed in "bed" until i had to pee.
In my boxer shorts and t-shirts, i walked (or rather: staggered) towards the toilet house and felt increasingly sick.

After most of the way, some sort of volcano in me erupted. I bent over and puked in the middle of the way. While puking, i felt something running down my legs - guess what it was? Squirts!
There i was, shitting and puking in bright daylight in the middle of the road. As i was almost at the toilet house, i decided i could just have a shower and then go back. Of course i had neither money nor a towel with me. So after a cold shower i walked back in my freshly washed underwear, dripping wet. What a sick way to spend a vacation...

Length: About the longest ~30min of the 90s. The shit-and-puke-trail was not even 2 meters.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 22:12, More)