» Personal Ads

The horror. The horror.
Where to start? Dipped a toe into the murky world of interweb jigginess after divorce number two. Oh yes, I'm a catch me.

Actually, "dipped a toe" is an understatement. Jumped in with both feet is more accurate. I have a few cardinal rules that I now follow having learned the hard way. Just got time to post one now, but will return with more:

Cardinal Rule #1. Never, EVER, agree to see somebody on the strength of a closely cropped face shot. The picture is cropped for a reason.

The lady in question expressed a particular desire to be serviced up the bum rigorously and frequently. I am male, so did my thinking with my cock and decided to break cardinal rule #1. Idiot.

We chat, we arrange to meet, I drive 120 miles to a pub, all in the space of less than 24 hours. I arrive, get a drink, sit by the window and wait. A car pulls up and a mountain of female flesh gets out. She's so big she can't walk properly, just waddle. Jeebus, I think, look at that! Glad it's not her! It is.

A quick scan turns up just one nearby exit and she's coming through it. Fucksocks. I put on a brave face to hide the crushing disappointment. I buy her a drink. Then lunch. We chat and she's really sweet, but still soooo huge. Then again, I *have* driven 120 miles and she *does* want bum sex. So we go back to hers and I perform rigorously as requested.

Time to leave and ridden with self-loathing, I start to get dressed. She looks at me through heavily-lidded eyes and says "You know, I think you could be THE ONE!"

I didn't stick around long enough to find out if she was:

a) Being sarcastic
b) Using that line because she wanted to see the back of me ASAP and figured (correctly) that it would work, or
c) So needy that a pounding up the clacker from an almost total stranger qualified as a courtship

I'm getting too old for this bollocks.
(Thu 13th Sep 2007, 18:35, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

My cheating ex-wife
The whole five month period between finding out my wife was shagging some bloke from work and actually selling the house and moving out was a dark period. Needless to say conjugals were off the agenda and sex (the worst) was confined to frequent, but pathetically miserable bouts of self-abuse.

The one redeeming feature in the whole sordid affair was the receptacle I used to catch my sticky, white love piss. She never noticed that her tub of Greek yoghurt seemed to be lasting longer than normal...
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 14:43, More)

» Insults

Thirsty...
I was led to believe by my step-mother's (now deceased) father that the phrase "I've got a mouth on me" is an Irish term expressing great thirst. He once recounted a tale of a very annoying woman in a bar trying to ponce a drink from him by uttering said phrase, to which he responded:

"I know. I can see it there hanging between your ears like a skipping rope."

Genius.
(Mon 8th Oct 2007, 13:53, More)