Liz should have known better
than to let B3tans design her new dress...


(Fri 5th Mar 2004, 13:14, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Not drunk, cos I'm teetotal
but once when I was loaded up with the flu, fevers, hallucinations and all, for some strange reason I decided that I *had* to go to Boots and buy myself a toothbrush. Fair enough, you may think. Rather a mundane purchase.

Oh no.

Being completely fucked with the flu, I didn't know which was was up, and eventually ended up leaving the house as a complete hodge-podge of whatever clothing was closest to hand, including odd shoes (one a trainer, one a boot), a bulky and thick biker's leather jacket (old skool Motorhead fan style) and a bright yellow t-shirt with (muddy) tan trousers.

I staggered my way there (it was a bit of a walk), almost being run over twice because I didn't click that roads=cars at this point. Went into Boots, to be immediately followed in the usual 'subtle as a fart in a lift' way by the security guard. I don't blame him, to be honest - I was 6ft tall and looked like a mental case and a junkie.

I got so freaked out by him following me, that to prove I wasn't stealing, I bought something from every position I stopped at. The resulting shopping list:

* toothbrush
* large vaseline
* painkillers
* carex handwash
* some mints

The checkout lady looked terrified.
(Sat 11th Jun 2005, 17:42, More)

» Petty Sabotage

a complete asshat of a caller I had once
abused me for everything from my name to my age to my 'obvious lack of intelligence' for working in a call centre, when all he needed (and wouldn't listen when I told him) was a password reset.

So I kept a note of his details, because I knew that tech support for his account was moving to "those bloody fucking Indians" as he called them, and periodically went back and changed his password now and again.

Petty, but satisfying.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 15:16, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Role Reversal
I was sitting in bed watching some TV when I heard a strange noise coming from the next room. Now my mum had been very unwell around that time, so being the dutiful son I am, I got out of my pit (at 3am, mind) to see if there was anything wrong. I open the door to see a hand SHOOT to one side and the cover being pulled back reallyreallyreallyquickly!!! Her face was bright red. Mine could have powered a small Nuclear Submarine. I retreated without saying a word and the incident was never EVER mentioned again. From that day, though, until the day I moved out, I was very careful to make a lot of noise whenever I was going to her room to talk to her.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 10:41, More)

» One Night Stands

I've not had many one night stands
but one of the few I did resulted in an awkward moment when I was moving downwards for a bit of munching fun and was confronted by some white string and an embarassed "OH GOD, I forgot I had my period! Sorry!"

Followed by her actually leaping up, shoving her coat on and literally running out the door and up the road, never to be seen again.
(Fri 14th Mar 2014, 13:30, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

Torment the Gouranga Folk
You know those really really annoying BASTARDS who keep hassling you in the street, and always want you to say Gouranga when you refuse to give them money? Well we decided to make a game based on the best way to tell them to fuck off. Some of my better ones were:

"My God's bigger than your god."

"I swapped my soul for a bike, sorry."

"Would you let me lick your armpits for a fiver?"

"Gie's yer jaiket!" (yes, really!)

And one day, having suffered more than usual, I decided to steal the tall guy's hat. He had a Heidi-style hat, complete with bobbles, which was always plastered to his head, so my mates ran past one side, distracting him, while I ran behind and nicked his hat.

We took turns for the rest of the day to casually saunter past him while wearing the hat and see if we could get him to get angry. To his (dubious) credit, he managed to remain calm, if slightly pissed-looking, until we eventually gave it back at the end of the day. We didn't even piss in it - we were nice Glasgow lads :)
(Mon 29th Mar 2004, 18:29, More)