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» Well, that taught 'em

Well that taught him
Friend of a friend, had a greenhouse, full of nice just ready to pluck tomatoes. Comes down one morning, the door of the greenhouse was open. Half the tomatoes missing..

He calls the police immediately. Spent the rest of the day at home waiting for a police officer to turn up.. Typically, by 9pm no police. He was REALLY annoyed by this point. So he wired the metal door handle of the greenhouse to the mains (Uk 240V AC).

The following morning all was well, tomatoes were all ok. So he went to work.

Got home from work to find two police officers on his doorstep asking questions about an injured (electrocuted) officer, wanting to know how the greenhouse door handle had got wired to the mains.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 16:17, More)

» Terrible food

Barry :-)
3 Stories, (shared student house)

1. Kitchen, Sat Morning - Barry has grilled a slice of bacon. He has it cooked and laid out on the work surface (note not on a plate or chopping board), he is cutting thin slices off one end of this single slice of bacon, working his way to the other end and eating the slices..
"watcha doing" I asks.
"I think this bacon is off.. I'm just not sure where the off bit starts"

2. My Room - Thursday evening. Barry walks in.
"when did you last have a cooked chicken" he asks,
"Hmmm.. 3 months ago... you had the last one about a month ago", I reply..
"oh".. is his response and heads off downstairs. I follow.
He proceeds to pull what looks like an intact roast chicken out of the oven. The only problem. It is covered in grey fur.. At least he threw it away.

3. Last day in the house.

When we had moved into the house we inherited a n intact 2.5Kg bag of TVP mince (soya), and a can of ex-army self heating Irish Stew (3 years past its eat by date).

We left an intact bag of TVP mince. Barry said the stew was very nice (at least the self heat bit worked - 10/10 to the British Army on that one)
(Fri 18th May 2007, 9:52, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Andrew Foster
I went to an all boys school, I don't think there was anybody that WASN’T weird..

But Andrew was on a different planet... For money he would eat ANYTHING!...


Vomit ... His own.. (a cup full)
Vomit ... Somebody Else’s (two table spoons)
Dog turd .. Brown.. ( a table spoon )
Dog turd .. White.. about half the turd..

And then half a jar of winkles !!!...

He set off the fire extinguishers.

Turned on the fire hoses (3rd floor! flooded down the steps nicely).

Slashed the seats in the sixth form centre.

Hollowed out books in the sixth form centre and hid the remains of stuff he didn't finish eating (half eaten lumps of dog turd, vomit, winkles and some very odd and smelly cheese).. He then put the books in the roof cavity above the suspended ceiling for the two weeks of Easter Hols... It took three weeks for the smell to clear after Easter!.. :-(

In 4th year he attacked me, flailing fists furiously, a razor blade between each knuckle.. (six razor blades (school taught me how to count!))

I hit him over the shoulder with a steel bar ( 1cm x 1 cm hardened steel, 12cm long!) that I just happened to have in my bag (said we were wierd!) ..

He collapsed screaming, only to get kicked in the kidneys by the maths teacher (who’d just walked in) and told, “stop being such a girl”..

Years later he told me that his shoulder still ached, “I’d probably fractured it with the steel bar..”

Ahh.. the good old days..
(Tue 23rd Jan 2007, 12:57, More)

» Failed

2nd Post (Same Uni (Bradford) Same Degree (Comp Sci) different subject)
Computer Hardware...

Something I do know just a little bit about..

Unfortunatly didn't get on AT ALL with the lecturer! (1. He didn't know the subject, 2. I almost thumped him on my second night at the Uni (thort he was a Gobby MSC student) 3. He used to walk round holding a carrier bag over his head!! (PS Lecturing at York now ? ))

Exam was computer based. You sat down at a workstation, logged into secure Uni Website, and had to answer 25 questions.

Since the exam could be sat at any time, and there was no overseer myself and a friend (Hi Andy!!) sloped off to the Richmond building. We sat side by side doing the exam and compared notes (WE CHEATED!!).

His worstation crashed out at question 20. He could do no more. Our answers were IDENTICAL to that point. I completed the final five questions and called it a day.

My friends exam result = 82%
My result = 18% - FAILED !!


Complained to the Head of Dept. Told him the above story VERBEITUM! - he went to see tossy lecturer, came back with a "We can award you 74% or we can take the whole thing through formal University Complaints procedures".

I took the 74%.

Sometimes the lecturer is WRONG!!
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 11:15, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Maz :-)
Mate of mine :-

Playing football pulls a muscle in his groin just before half time.

Being a real trooper, and wanting to play on, at half time asks if anybody has some "deep heat" (hot muscle rub cream). Is passed a plain white tube, smears the cream all over the damaged muscle and limps on to play the second half.

At the end of the match he limps off. Commenting "that deep heat stuff is crap, "

The response:-

"sorry Maz, that was hemorrhoid cream!"
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 16:25, More)
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