» Winning


I've always been obsessed by horses, I buy saddles from junk shops, I'm a regular at my local stables, and I think about them constantly. As a child I either wanted a real horse or a rocking horse but got neither, sadly. I made a horse out of old boxes, I had hobbyhorses and I converted the garden wall into a type of horse. I was a kid obsessed.
One day at our small town's Xmas fair they had a raffle, and one prize was a big furry donkey, a huge one. It was amazing and I have never wanted anything so badly before or since. I never win anything, and the tickets were £1.50, all my pocket money, but much against my better judgement I bought one - number 180. I hung about the fair for hours till they did the draw, and the guy finally got to the donkey, waving it about shouting 'Right! Who will be taking Lil Pedro home?'. I remember feeling sick with fear and thought I couldn't bear to see someone else win him. The guy finally finished his spiel, rummaged in the bucket and pulled out...my ticket. I was so stunned I could only wave it, and the crowd pushed me forward to be given my prize. Everyone was laughing because I was clearly so delighted, getting that huge donkey about the same size as me. I carried that 4ft donkey all the way home in the freezing cold and dark, and it was one of the best journeys of my life, I don't think my feet hit the ground once! I kept him for many years - he wasn't a big furry donkey, in my mind he was an Arab steed. I made him his own stable in my bedroom. Ah, happy memories! Sorry that shit story is shit, but it was one of the happiest moments of my young life. :)
(Fri 29th Apr 2011, 13:01, More)

» The Police II

What is it???
I was a hardcore goff back in the day, (pictures on request) and one night I was got up in my finest attire, PVC shorts and thigh boots, bustier, three pairs of false eyelashes, multi-coloured hair extensions and jewellry glued to my forehead. I was also going through a particularly wanky phase of smoking Sobranie Cocktails for a bit of po-mo irony. My then boyfriend and I spent a good evening dancing and drinking until the early hours, having a lovely time till some little scrote took exception to him and hit him over the head with a bottle. (I was also doing Muay Thai at that point and had him pinned against the wall till the bouncers came without even spilling my drink - a true Glaswegian!) Anyway, the boy was bleeding like a stuck pig so we went to casualty, he was taken in for treatment and I sat there, like the Emperor Vespasian in drag, surrounded by Glasgow's finest lovers and fighters in A&E at 2am in the morning. There was also a very drunk guy handcuffed to a young police officer who was raving on and on about wanting a cigarette, getting louder and more aggressive as time passed, I began to feel a bit frightened. Eventually his complaints got too much for the policeman who turned to me long-sufferingly, and said 'Excuse me Miss, do you have a cigarette please'.
It was my finest hour as I flipped open my pack of pastel-coloured cancer sticks, and proferred them. The looks of disbelief on the police guy and the drunk's faces were classic as they surveyed these wonders. Finally the drunk guy meekly selected a bright pink one, and sat down, quiet for the first time in an hour. All except his anguished whisper to the officer 'But what IS it????' and the response 'i don't know either Sir. Just smoke it' :D
(Fri 6th May 2011, 16:14, More)

» Creepy!


This QOTW prevented me sleeping, cheers. I did the most awful Ouija board one night though, first time ever, all excited and old enough to know better. No reply for ages then finally in answer to my increasingly desperate 'is anyone there?' the glass shifted to Yes. Relieved, I asked 'do you want to talk?'. The entity clearly dithered for a bit then replied in the negative. The board we were using was old and still dusty so I thought perhaps this was the problem. This time I asked 'is the board too dirty?'.
'YES'
'well, shall I clean it then?'.
'YES'
I duly polished the board till it sparkled, then replaced it. 'is that better?' I ventured timidly.
'YES'
'do you want to speak now then?' I pleaded.
'NO. GOODBYE'
Just my luck to get a fastidious entity.
(Sat 9th Apr 2011, 9:28, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Teacher blues
I'm a teacher and look pretty young for my age - my finest hour was being id-ed for buying cigarettes - could I prove I was over 16, certainly, my driving licence shows I'm actually 34.
Get frequently shouted at in corridors at school for not wearing a tie, drinking out a can, going the wrong way round the one way system etc by members of staff who haven't recognised me. My pupils love it.
(Thu 20th Sep 2007, 21:23, More)

» Impulse buys

There is a junk shop near my house
So far I have bought three second hand saddles. I enjoy restoring them, saddle-soaping them, then rubbing oil in to make them supple again and pretending I have a horse. I am not 12, I am actually 36. :/
(Thu 21st May 2009, 18:10, More)