» How nerdy are you?

Actually, now I think about it ...
I am a nerd, and this is the clincher: I went to the Edinburgh premier of the re-jigged, re-released, digitalised and generally messed with Star Wars: A New Hope back in '97. There was a fancy-dress competition for this screening, with prizes presented by none other than Sean Connery's brother. Really.

So, I love Star Wars, and felt the need to show this, and after much deliberation decided on a costume which would demonstrate to the world just exactly how much love a man could have for a film. I was going to go as the Death Star. I got the official Star Wars (TM) Death Star companion technical manual, one of those big round paper lampshades, some Airfix model paint, a coat-hanger and a miniature 2 inch scale model of the Millenium Falcon.

I painted the lampshade grey, then added detail, lights and shadow with black and silver paint. I even managed to make the big planet buster laser bit look like a dip by judicious use of shading.

I cut a small horizontal hole near the base to see out of, and the lampshade sat quite happily on my shoulders (i.e. my head inside the lampshade). For the piece-de-resistance I used the coat hanger to suspend the mini Millenium Falcon from the side of my lampshade/Death Star so it looked like it was flying in. Class.

So we went to the film. On arrival, it was very busy (sold out I think, but of course we'd had our tickets for ages). My companions had also partaken in the fancy dress competition, so I was accompanied by Luke Skywalker (in his pyjamas) and the lovely Princess Leia. Of course, I could see sweet FA out of the helmet despite the gap I'd cut in it, so I was led into the auditorium by my friends, taking a couple of people out with the dangly Falcon on the way.

The fancy dress competition was before the film, and we were invited one by one to parade before the audience and judging panel (the aforementioned Sean Connery's brother and the cinema manager). When it was my turn I staggered to the front and apparently (for I could not see) received a standing ovation from my fellow Star Wars nerds making up the audience.

I won (admittedly partly due to the weak field of 2 Lukes, 2 Leias and me) and was invited to make a speech. Sean Connery's brother (I'm sure he has a first name but lets face it, he is probably only ever known as Sean's Connery brother) shoved a microphone into my vision slot, and I said the now legendary (at least to my mates who were there), "That's no moon, it's a space station". The crowd went wild ("like a million voices cried out ..."), I got two free cinema tickets, a complete set of Star Wars pogs (really), and the respect of my geeky peers. Oh, and to meet Sean Connery's brother.
(Thu 6th Mar 2008, 12:46, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Night of the living bed
When I was young I had a real fear of something being in my wardrobe or under my bed, so much so I would have to check both before I went to bed. As the months went by I became more casual about this, and would just waggle my hand around under the bed to check there wasn't anything there (I know, logic would suggest that touching the zombie/Arthur C Clarke's "World of Strange Powers" ghost I imagined was there would be worse than seeing it, but so's thinking checking if its there would prevent it from eating me/stealing my soul).

So one night I go through my mildly obsessive-compulsive ritual only to touch a hairy, warm creature under the bed. Needless to say I nearly shat, and ran screaming downstairs. My Dad dragged me back up much to my squealing protests to discover the next door neighbour's cat had sneaked in to our house (never happened before or since) and chosen my bed as a hiding place. "He's more scared of you than you are of him", says my Dad. No. He wasn't.

Length? Enough, but its hairy.
(Wed 28th Feb 2007, 14:40, More)

» How nerdy are you?

In the kingdom of the geeks ...
I still get technical lego for Christmas.
I'm 35.
(Thu 6th Mar 2008, 12:06, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Narcissism
In my student years, I was told of some graffiti in the ladies loos of my local which said "PaulieG is a great shag". As I am not a seabird, or indeed a type of carpet, I can only presume that this was a celebration of my sexual prowess. Thanks Mum.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 10:49, More)

» Common

Morrisons
Mother and daughter, mum in pink track suit, pretend Ug boots, you can picture it, daughter must be 5 or 6 in the seat bit of the shopping trolley, with a dirty face (not washed you pervs). Daughter is attempting to chew her way into the kilo tray of value mince in the trolley.

Mum: "Dinnae" (We're in Edinburgh by the way)
Child: "How?"
Mum: "Just dinnae!"

Okay. First of all. When your child asks "How?" (a delightfully aggressive response used in this part of the world, usually meaning "why" or "what", in fact any other question than "how"), perhaps if you explained a REASON then you wouldn't, as I suspect from the tone of your voice, have to have the same conversation EVERY time you go shopping. So tell the delightful little cherub, that

a) Its not cooked and might make you ill

and b), and this is the clincher

b) ITS NOT F*CKING YOURS YET, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T PAID FOR IT, YOU THIEVING TINKS!

Unfortunately all too common, I suspect.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:12, More)