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Been lurking for a while and thought it was time to have a go. I'll be happy if I can manage the brevity of apeloverage and the humour of frankspencer or legless.
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Been lurking for a while and thought it was time to have a go. I'll be happy if I can manage the brevity of apeloverage and the humour of frankspencer or legless.
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Shit Stories: Part Number Two
For cat lovers
A friend of mine was asked to look after a cat that was known to have some bowel trouble. He found the experience so traumatic that he kept a diary (from the cat's point of view):
SUNDAY AM
I left a nice surprise for Bob: a sloppy crap so powerful that it actually emitted its own frequency, and about 4 litres of piss. He wept while he dealt with that! I must have had a bit of an upset tummy. So I did that squinty-eyed, tongue-out thing to make myself look cute.
SUNDAY PM
Tummy back to normal now and a left a firm cigar in the box. I think he’s proud of the way I always drop them right at the back, halfway up the plastic bag. Did a little wee, too.
MONDAY AM
I greeted Bob at the door today. Not personally, you understand, but via the medium of smell. He’d tried to trick me by evenly distributing the litter about the box to catch every dribble – but I defeated him! I distributed three sloppy turds: one in each back corner and one up the side. All of them missed the litter completely! Call me Catson Pollock. Oh, and I managed to leave a squit on the floor outside the box, too.
MONDAY PM
Had a little sleep and went downstairs for another back-of-the-box special. When Bob arrived (the stench of this morning’s faecal bonanza still ringing in his nostrils), he saw the food bowl and decided to bring a fresh bowl of shrimp and jelly upstairs to me. Then he tickled my ears and neck for a while and I purred like a motorbike.
TUESDAY AM
Finished all my food overnight but didn’t do a poo. That means I’ll have a monster offering waiting tonight!
TUESDAY PM
I wasn’t very impressed with today’s turd. Just a bit of a splat really – not much body to it.
WEDNESDAY AM
Ha! Managed some rectal gymnastics last night. I squirted it up the back and over the lip of the tray into the box – I think it was wind-assisted. Bob was visibly moved. As usual, he topped up my bowls with something tasty… or should I say he topped up my bowels
WEDNESDAY PM
Only a little wee. Today I washed my bum and generally gave myself a good clean.
THURSDAY AM
Just when Bob thought he had seen everything, I managed a work of scatological art: two craps one on top of the other… both of entirely different hues and textures! It was like a birthday cake for him – albeit one with a teeth-clenching stench. I also managed to scratch though the plastic so that my wee ran into the box and had to be washed out. After Bob had cleaned up, we had a nice chat – or rather, I ignored him as I ate my hake and halibut. Lovely!
THURSDAY PM
I managed to excel myself by presenting Bob with something entirely new. It looked like a desiccated turd or a mummified cocoon of some kind. It was a fur ball I’d been carrying around all week and I’m sure glad to be rid of it! (Sorry about the dribbly vomit, though.
FRIDAY AM
Feeling very affectionate this morning. I was waiting for Bob when he came through the door and I meowed constantly as he dealt with a rather unimpressive splat I’d done in the litter. Then I gambolled about his legs and cried for more cuddles – he’s a specialist with the ears. I think I’ll do a gigantic crap for him tonight! I know he likes that.
SATURDAY AM
An interesting litter tray this morning. I did the usual back-of-the-box, but also one on the right hand side for variety. He gave me a tasty stick and tickled my head for a while. He also noticed the crap dribble I seem to have made on the carpet in the corridor upstairs – sorry about that!
SATURDAY PM
I was feeling very affectionate and tried to climb on Bob for a cuddle, but he wouldn’t let me (saying my back end was too clotted with abomination).
MONDAY AM
(Did a little poo – about the size and shape of one of those brown slugs. Oh, and I washed my bum.)
MONDAY PM
A nice big crap for Bob to clear up. As he was holding his breath, he noticed the claim on the side of the litter bag that it neutralises all odours. We laughed about that one!
TUESDAY AM
Galileo revolutionised the way we see the sun. Einstein changed relativity. And today I did a perfectly formed, firm panatela at the front of the box. And I rolled it in litter a bit to kill the smell! Impressive, eh!
TUESDAY PM
Bob arrived to find my entire body surrounded by a bizarre iridescent chrysalis. Clearly, I had been co-opted in a strange alien experiment and would emerge a month later as a pterodactyl. Only joking! It was the same old story – did a shit, had some food and a stroke.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 16:24, More)
For cat lovers
A friend of mine was asked to look after a cat that was known to have some bowel trouble. He found the experience so traumatic that he kept a diary (from the cat's point of view):
SUNDAY AM
I left a nice surprise for Bob: a sloppy crap so powerful that it actually emitted its own frequency, and about 4 litres of piss. He wept while he dealt with that! I must have had a bit of an upset tummy. So I did that squinty-eyed, tongue-out thing to make myself look cute.
SUNDAY PM
Tummy back to normal now and a left a firm cigar in the box. I think he’s proud of the way I always drop them right at the back, halfway up the plastic bag. Did a little wee, too.
MONDAY AM
I greeted Bob at the door today. Not personally, you understand, but via the medium of smell. He’d tried to trick me by evenly distributing the litter about the box to catch every dribble – but I defeated him! I distributed three sloppy turds: one in each back corner and one up the side. All of them missed the litter completely! Call me Catson Pollock. Oh, and I managed to leave a squit on the floor outside the box, too.
MONDAY PM
Had a little sleep and went downstairs for another back-of-the-box special. When Bob arrived (the stench of this morning’s faecal bonanza still ringing in his nostrils), he saw the food bowl and decided to bring a fresh bowl of shrimp and jelly upstairs to me. Then he tickled my ears and neck for a while and I purred like a motorbike.
TUESDAY AM
Finished all my food overnight but didn’t do a poo. That means I’ll have a monster offering waiting tonight!
TUESDAY PM
I wasn’t very impressed with today’s turd. Just a bit of a splat really – not much body to it.
WEDNESDAY AM
Ha! Managed some rectal gymnastics last night. I squirted it up the back and over the lip of the tray into the box – I think it was wind-assisted. Bob was visibly moved. As usual, he topped up my bowls with something tasty… or should I say he topped up my bowels
WEDNESDAY PM
Only a little wee. Today I washed my bum and generally gave myself a good clean.
THURSDAY AM
Just when Bob thought he had seen everything, I managed a work of scatological art: two craps one on top of the other… both of entirely different hues and textures! It was like a birthday cake for him – albeit one with a teeth-clenching stench. I also managed to scratch though the plastic so that my wee ran into the box and had to be washed out. After Bob had cleaned up, we had a nice chat – or rather, I ignored him as I ate my hake and halibut. Lovely!
THURSDAY PM
I managed to excel myself by presenting Bob with something entirely new. It looked like a desiccated turd or a mummified cocoon of some kind. It was a fur ball I’d been carrying around all week and I’m sure glad to be rid of it! (Sorry about the dribbly vomit, though.
FRIDAY AM
Feeling very affectionate this morning. I was waiting for Bob when he came through the door and I meowed constantly as he dealt with a rather unimpressive splat I’d done in the litter. Then I gambolled about his legs and cried for more cuddles – he’s a specialist with the ears. I think I’ll do a gigantic crap for him tonight! I know he likes that.
SATURDAY AM
An interesting litter tray this morning. I did the usual back-of-the-box, but also one on the right hand side for variety. He gave me a tasty stick and tickled my head for a while. He also noticed the crap dribble I seem to have made on the carpet in the corridor upstairs – sorry about that!
SATURDAY PM
I was feeling very affectionate and tried to climb on Bob for a cuddle, but he wouldn’t let me (saying my back end was too clotted with abomination).
MONDAY AM
(Did a little poo – about the size and shape of one of those brown slugs. Oh, and I washed my bum.)
MONDAY PM
A nice big crap for Bob to clear up. As he was holding his breath, he noticed the claim on the side of the litter bag that it neutralises all odours. We laughed about that one!
TUESDAY AM
Galileo revolutionised the way we see the sun. Einstein changed relativity. And today I did a perfectly formed, firm panatela at the front of the box. And I rolled it in litter a bit to kill the smell! Impressive, eh!
TUESDAY PM
Bob arrived to find my entire body surrounded by a bizarre iridescent chrysalis. Clearly, I had been co-opted in a strange alien experiment and would emerge a month later as a pterodactyl. Only joking! It was the same old story – did a shit, had some food and a stroke.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 16:24, More)
» Housemates from hell
pity me
I shared a flat with frankspencer and apeloverage. What with the salacious mutterings and perversions of the former, and the infuriating pedantry of the latter, I almost went insane. Imagine:
Me: Frank, who was the girl you brought home last night.
Frank: Yeah, sorry. She was a screamer, wasn't she? I've been cleaning her ejaculate off my bedside lamp all morning.
Ape: It's not your lamp - it belongs to the landlord. That'll come out of your damage deposit.
Frank: Thanks for that, Ape. I note your girlfriend hasn't been round recently.
Ape: Yeah, I told her that her sandwich wasn't kosher and it turned into an argument.
Me: She's Jewish?
Ape: No. That was part of the argument.
Frank: She certainly had no objection to pork when I last met her.
Ape: You're thinking of a dream you had.
Frank: The one where I shot a geyser of cum up her coal scuttle? Or the one where she suckled my twitching wand of passion?
Ape: You're a wanker.
Frank: She was better at it than I was.
Me: Boys! Boys! [etc.]
(Mon 9th Apr 2007, 21:27, More)
pity me
I shared a flat with frankspencer and apeloverage. What with the salacious mutterings and perversions of the former, and the infuriating pedantry of the latter, I almost went insane. Imagine:
Me: Frank, who was the girl you brought home last night.
Frank: Yeah, sorry. She was a screamer, wasn't she? I've been cleaning her ejaculate off my bedside lamp all morning.
Ape: It's not your lamp - it belongs to the landlord. That'll come out of your damage deposit.
Frank: Thanks for that, Ape. I note your girlfriend hasn't been round recently.
Ape: Yeah, I told her that her sandwich wasn't kosher and it turned into an argument.
Me: She's Jewish?
Ape: No. That was part of the argument.
Frank: She certainly had no objection to pork when I last met her.
Ape: You're thinking of a dream you had.
Frank: The one where I shot a geyser of cum up her coal scuttle? Or the one where she suckled my twitching wand of passion?
Ape: You're a wanker.
Frank: She was better at it than I was.
Me: Boys! Boys! [etc.]
(Mon 9th Apr 2007, 21:27, More)
» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You
I'm married
So it takes:
a weekend away in a posh hotel
chocolates
flowers
her feeling that she's not fat that day
not mentioning work
good weather
me talking in soothing tones about her family
recounting romantic tales of our courting
a critical time window between 'full after dinner' and 'sleepy before bedtime'
some kind of extended massage/touching
candles and/or aromatherapy
And I usually fail at the point where she asks if I want kids and my face involuntarily scrunches into a twisted mask of loathing at the idea. That's an expensive hand job.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 14:54, More)
I'm married
So it takes:
a weekend away in a posh hotel
chocolates
flowers
her feeling that she's not fat that day
not mentioning work
good weather
me talking in soothing tones about her family
recounting romantic tales of our courting
a critical time window between 'full after dinner' and 'sleepy before bedtime'
some kind of extended massage/touching
candles and/or aromatherapy
And I usually fail at the point where she asks if I want kids and my face involuntarily scrunches into a twisted mask of loathing at the idea. That's an expensive hand job.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 14:54, More)
» We have to talk
Marriage
No other phrase strikes dread into the weary husband as much as "We need to talk" - because what it really means is:
"You have done something else wrong and now I'm going to explain to you why you are a loser and why I am going to get my way, like I always do - because if I can't win an argument with rational discussion and reasoned examples, I will win it with moody silences, emotional blackmail, crying and harbouring a grudge for months and months until you finally give in on this one trivial point that I have chosen to exaggerate beyond all proportion just because it's my right as a woman to do so."
So when I hear it, I just say "Yes, you're right" and the pain goes away until next time I take off my ankle chains and try to look at the sky.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 11:53, More)
Marriage
No other phrase strikes dread into the weary husband as much as "We need to talk" - because what it really means is:
"You have done something else wrong and now I'm going to explain to you why you are a loser and why I am going to get my way, like I always do - because if I can't win an argument with rational discussion and reasoned examples, I will win it with moody silences, emotional blackmail, crying and harbouring a grudge for months and months until you finally give in on this one trivial point that I have chosen to exaggerate beyond all proportion just because it's my right as a woman to do so."
So when I hear it, I just say "Yes, you're right" and the pain goes away until next time I take off my ankle chains and try to look at the sky.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 11:53, More)
» Strict Parents
philosophical
My dad is a philosophy lecturer, and as I was growing up he encouraged me to always argue my case. If I could provide a good argument, he'd let me do whatever I wanted.
Me: Can I stay out all night at the party on Saturday?
Dad: Why do you want to do that?
Me: Because it will help me to integrate with my peers.
Dad: There'll be drink and drugs there. That's bad.
Me: Er ... But alcohol and tobacco are harmful drugs and they are legal. Isn't that just hypocrisy? You hate hypocrisy.
Dad: There's the matter of the law. You are underage for drinking.
Me True, but ... age is as much a matter of personal maturity as numerical calculation. The law doesn't consider this. I can handle it.
Dad: OK, so why do you have to stay all night?
Me: Because the girls won't be drunk enough to sleep with me until about 11.00, and then I'm going to need a couple of hours to do the job properly. Then it'll be too late for public transport and I don't want to wake you up ...
Dad: Hmm. I don't want any teenage pregnancies.
Me: Which is why I have this pack of condoms.
Dad: ...........
Me: Dad?
Dad: ..... OK, son. Go and get yourself laid.
Me: Cheers, dad!
(Tue 13th Mar 2007, 11:03, More)
philosophical
My dad is a philosophy lecturer, and as I was growing up he encouraged me to always argue my case. If I could provide a good argument, he'd let me do whatever I wanted.
Me: Can I stay out all night at the party on Saturday?
Dad: Why do you want to do that?
Me: Because it will help me to integrate with my peers.
Dad: There'll be drink and drugs there. That's bad.
Me: Er ... But alcohol and tobacco are harmful drugs and they are legal. Isn't that just hypocrisy? You hate hypocrisy.
Dad: There's the matter of the law. You are underage for drinking.
Me True, but ... age is as much a matter of personal maturity as numerical calculation. The law doesn't consider this. I can handle it.
Dad: OK, so why do you have to stay all night?
Me: Because the girls won't be drunk enough to sleep with me until about 11.00, and then I'm going to need a couple of hours to do the job properly. Then it'll be too late for public transport and I don't want to wake you up ...
Dad: Hmm. I don't want any teenage pregnancies.
Me: Which is why I have this pack of condoms.
Dad: ...........
Me: Dad?
Dad: ..... OK, son. Go and get yourself laid.
Me: Cheers, dad!
(Tue 13th Mar 2007, 11:03, More)