» Tramps

Manchester Hobo - a tale of homelessness and happiness.
He was a lovely chap and I'll call him Fred.

I first met Fred when he was sleeping on the steps by Oxford Road Station.....in the snow. At least he was wrapped up. His girlfriend was asking for change, as homeless people do. I gave her a couple of quid and noticed her hands were blue- really blue - so offered her my gloves. She gave me such a lovely smile and woke up Fred to tell him. I sat down with them and had a little chat, gave them a couple of cigarettes and went off to uni.

I'd see them most mornings and that little act of generosity ensured they'd remembered me. Most mornings I'd give them a smoke, have a 5 minute chat and take them both a coffee. I found out they 'lived' in the alleyway at the back of the Salisbury which was a bit grim. Still, they were lovely people.

One day they weren't there, nor where they there the next. I was a tad concerned. A couple of weeks later I saw Fred selling Christmas hats on Oxford Road. He called me over gave me a hug, thanked me for all the coffees, change and time that I'd taken to have a chat each morning. He explained that his girlfriend had gone down south, he'd moved to a hostel and things were looking better. He gave me a free hat, shook my hand, thanked me once again for everything I did. To me it wasn't much - a bit of change, a 20p cup of coffee, a couple of roll-ups and 5minutes to day hello. To him it was the world - someone took the time to look past the dirt and treat him with respect. I smiled, shook his hand again, wished him a merry Christmas and walked away with a tear in my eye.

I saw him again occasionly, the time between each sighting getting longer and longer. I finally saw him outside the Uni wandering up Oxford Road as happy as can be. He explained he was still in the hostel but now on a waiting list for a flat in Hulme. I didn't see him again for a long time.

The happy finale: About 2 years later I was out in Manchester. There were only 3 of us and we were having a few beers around Canal Street waiting for my mates fella to turn up. There was a tap on my shoulder and there was Fred! Fred looked really well - he'd put on a bit of weight, had a shave, a decent haircut etc. He explained that shortly after I last saw him he got his flat in Hulme. This allowed him to get sorted with regards to benefits etc. Having a proper address meant he was able to find work. He'd got a job, worked hard and was doing pretty well. He bought me a few pints, and as he left he thanked me for all those morning chats etc. He then looked in to my eyes and gave me the most sincere thanks I've ever been given. He told me that our 1st meeting - when I gave him a pair of gloves - was the greatest thing anyone had done for him, yet to me it seemed so insignificant. He nodded and left. I did a little cry.

I've not seen him since.
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 12:10, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

A happy tale
My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception.

There we were, blokes drinking heavily, sat smoking around the table (as you could in them days) and having much fun. One of my chums goes off for a wee. Jumping at the chance to add extra comical value to the evening I took advantage of his absense by grabbing his phone and texting his dad. It was nothing nasty, just something along the lines of 'I LOVE YOU DAD, MISS YOU LOTS xoxox'

HO HO HO!!! How we laughed. Chris (for that is his name) didn't laugh that much. It turns out (and this is why such pranks can go badly wrong) that he hadn't spoken to or seen his dad for about 4 years following a rather spectacular falling out. Needless to say I felt like a bit of twat, apologised and bought him a pint. He explained what happened (I won't bore you with that bit) and then his phone beepety beeped.

It was his dad.

I MISS YOU TOO SON. PLEASE COME SEE ME SOMETIME. LOVE DAD.

Chris was a bit stunned and went very quiet and disappeared off the toilet, returning a bit red-eyed.

He had spoken to his dad (in a drunken stupor) and agreed to go round the next day, and he did.

He met his half brother and sister for the 1st time ever, cleared the air with his dad, was Best Man at his wedding and is now in regular contact and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Quick Edit: Before this, whenever he spoke of his dad he was actually refering to his stepdad (he lived with his mum still back then) so I thought thats who I was texting.
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 15:56, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

So wrong I wish it was a lie
I'm the proud father of a little tubby 18month old boy. He's a funny little fella.

Being the happy little daddy that I am we spend hours running around the house, hiding from each other......all the fun things that a father and son should do.

Occasionly, and because he's my boy it's not wrong or peadophilic in the slighest, we have a bath together. It's great fun. I'll blow raspberrys in his little tubby tummy and chuckle as he squeals and splashes about. Sometimes I blow them on his botty and joke that he's farted. He squeals and splashes like a demented seal.

A couple of weeks ago we were going through this routine. I'd added diprovan to the bath as this is good for his eczema and my psoriasis. It also makes the bath a bit slippy so when I reached forward and blew a raspberry on his belly he slipped forward. I gave him a little kiss on his curl-covered head and sat him back up. Due to the afore mentioned diprovan he was quite a slippy little monkey and fell forwards again.......and kissed me on my willy.

I got out the bath pretty damn quick and felt very, very wrong.
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 16:53, More)

» Family Feuds

Have a pearoast while I contemplate posting my own family tale
This tale involves myself being drunk, and my mate Chris - the target of my merrymaking.

There we were, blokes drinking heavily, sat smoking around the table (as you could in them days) and having much fun. One of my chums goes off for a wee. Jumping at the chance to add extra comical value to the evening I took advantage of his absense by grabbing his phone and texting his dad. It was nothing nasty, just something along the lines of 'I LOVE YOU DAD, MISS YOU LOTS xoxox'

HO HO HO!!! How we laughed. Chris (for that is his name) didn't laugh that much. It turns out (and this is why such pranks can go badly wrong) that he hadn't spoken to or seen his dad for about 4 years following a rather spectacular falling out. Needless to say I felt like a bit of twat, apologised and bought him a pint. He explained what happened (I won't bore you with that bit) and then his phone beepety beeped.

It was his dad.

I MISS YOU TOO SON. PLEASE COME SEE ME SOMETIME. LOVE DAD.

Chris was a bit stunned and went very quiet and disappeared off the toilet, returning a bit red-eyed.

He had spoken to his dad (in a drunken stupor) and agreed to go round the next day, and he did.

He met his half brother and sister for the 1st time ever, cleared the air with his dad, was Best Man at his wedding and is now in regular contact and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Quick Edit: Before this, whenever he spoke of his dad he was actually refering to his stepdad (he lived with his mum still back then) so I thought thats who I was texting.
(Fri 13th Nov 2009, 12:06, More)

» Turning into your parents

A shameful admission
I have a stick in my shed (I have a shed!)

It has one purpose and can not be used for anything else.

It's my special paint-stirring stick.
(Thu 30th Apr 2009, 14:33, More)