» Why should you be fired from your job?

Frozen Food Company
Once I was working during the summer as a Cold Store warehouse person. I was very badly trained and so was my co-worker (we were there replacing one fully experienced warehouseman, that used to run the place by himself), to the point where we were worse than useless. Add to this the fact that our environment was in minus 25 degrees C, and you can imagine imcompetence to an unparalelled degree.

First off we used to squash each other against the wall with forklift trucks loaded with pallets of frozen chips. The only thing stopping us from crushing ourselves to death is that the wheels spun on the slippery floor.
We also used to pour coffee and tea into the salmon, which would then freeze. Imagine a top chef getting one of these.

I would take great pleasure in putting boot prints in the catering size desserts, and repacking them. Whereas my buddy would fill the staff boxes (which should have been a lucky dip of cosmetically spoiled food they could buy for a fiver) with bits of rubbish he found lying around the carpark.

We were so bad at unloading lorries that the drivers would complain about us to the management. It used to take an hour, with us it was more like three, and because we were only allowed in the cold store for an hour at a time, it would totally drive them mad when we went out to 'warm up'. We didn't care, who else were they going to get to do such a shitty job.

I was eventually sacked for being caught kicking bags of peas so hard that they would explode everywhere, and make the nightstaff slip over. My mate, I later learned, was sacked just after me, for seeing how quickly a coffee cup full of his piss would freeze in front of the 'blowers'. For those technically minded amongst you, if I remember correctly, there was a windchill of minus 40, and it froze in one and a half minutes.
(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 16:51, More)

» Public Sex

Matlock Bath
My wife was vigorously masturbating me at the bottom of the cliffs just outside Matlock Bath one sunny bank holiday. Don't ask why, it just took my mood at teh time.

So, I apologise to all the old dears on the bus who waved back nervously as I waved to them during the vinegar strokes.
(Mon 27th Apr 2009, 15:57, More)

» Darwin Awards

I wanted to be Kung Fu
When I was about 10 or 11, I was addicted to the escapades of Kwai Chang Cain (bad spelling, I know) on Saturday evening's Kung Fu. This was when Saturday TV was all about family viewing and violence where no-one got hurt, think Dukes of Hazard and The A Team. Halcyon days.
Anyway the opening sequence to Kung Fu, had our hero going through various painful trials as an acolyte before moving on to become a master. I was always inspired by this as any pre-teenage boy should be in the Seventies, and needed to show my mates how cool I was. Riding around on a Grifter, when a Chopper was de riguer, fueled my feelings of inadequacy.
Anyway, one afternoon, we were down messing about by the stream, looking for rats or something, I can't remember, when I found a perfectly straight stick. An idea quickly formed in my impressionable mind, and quick as a flash, I pulled out my penknife. This was at a time when any youngster could carry a knife without fear of police harassment. I sharpened a point on the stick, and hefted it in my young hands.
"Paul", I shouted, "Can you throw this at me?"
Paul, ever eager to be some sort of cro-magnon hunter, readily agreed.
He took up position on one side of the stream, I on the other. I did various Kung Fu style warm ups, adding the odd jump kick in for good measure, whilst all my mates milled about looking interested rather than impressed.
When I was ready, I stood in a pose I hoped was one Cain would have used, and a bit nervous now, called "Ready!".
The spear - for now that was what it was - sped through the air, with unerring accuracy straight at my head. At this point my Kung Fu skills failed me, and I felt an explosion in my face.
Supposedly all my so-called friends pissed themselves laughing before running over to help me. Writhing on the floor, I thought I had lost an eye, and it was only through repeated assurances that I calmed down enough to examine the wound. The spear had hit my cheekbone and the swelling had already closed my left eye. The skin had been punctured, but for some reason it wasn't bleeding too badly.
Thinking back on the episode, I reckon that had it hit my eye, it would have carried on through the eye socket into the brain and killed me.
I am sure that if YouTube had existed I would have been an internet sensation, oh well.
(Mon 16th Feb 2009, 10:29, More)

» Food sabotage

Cold Store Warehouse fun
I spent a summer holiday working for Brakes Brothers - the frozen food specialists for caterers. Working at minus 30 degrees C can do serious damage to your mind. Especially if you are crap at your job and have to spend your statutory hourly breaks finishing all kinds of menial tasks (like chipping away the ice off the refridgeration unit).
Anyway there was another guy there, who was as bored as me, and we managed to get up to some comestible related shenanigans.

I put an impression of my safety boot in the top of several expensive catering tarts.
We filled the cavity of whole salmons with plastic tea stirrers, after playing cricket with them.

We made hot chocolate lollies and secreted them in bags of frozen chips. If I had thought about making a piss lolly I would definitely have done it but my mind was numbed by cold.
I am vegetarian, so I liberated a huge bag of frozen prawns, and replaced them with broken up Brocolli florets.

It might sound juvenile, but at the time we were pretty high. I would have loved it if Gordon Ramsay had opened one of those tarts, but Brakes Brothers are suppliers to the kind of pubs where the desert menu has pictures of the puddings.

We left before we were sacked, and whenever I see one of their delivery lorries, I still can't help but smile.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:37, More)