There's a place you can go!


havent posted in a while, apologies if this has been done before as well..
(Fri 21st Mar 2003, 12:44, More)

» My Worst Date

not exactley a date
but i met a lovely Belgian girl on the way back from Munich on a coach once. We chatted away for a few minutes, exchanging passport pictures and laughing at our poses, when all of a sudden she "excuses" herself and heads off to the coach toilet.

She's in there a good 20 mins. When eventually she does emerge she explain that there was a problem with the toilet, and shes REALLY embarressed about it.

Being the bold English man I agree to take a look at the problem, step into the toilet to be confronted by the lid up and the most go awful pile of runny shit, hard shit, hairy shit and to top it all off, a bloody tampon on top. jesus christ. Turns out the word she was struggling to translate for me was "FLUSH".

I located the flusher, gave it a good 3 or 4 goes and eventually cleared her rather impressive defication.

I returned to the most apologetic girl I have ever met, she seemed quite impressed that I still wanted to talk to her after that.

Shes now "MRS" Claypole, and we've got a little "Claypole" arriving in Feb, so I guess the "dealing with turds" is going to come in handy

sorry for length
(Wed 27th Oct 2004, 13:32, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

I was rude to my hero!!!!
I am a mad passionate Saints (Southampton FC) fan, to the extent of going to their away reserve games too.

Last year, they were playing away to Fulham, i think it was in Aldershot, and sadly Saints were getting hammered 7-2... but none of this mattered, our hero Francis Benali was playing. This man has been with the club all of his career, the red and white stripes run through his blood and he is loved by every saints fan.

So... as the players were leaving the pitch, a couple of my mates said "come on, lets see if we can get out picture taken with 'franny'"... game for a laugh, we went over to where the players were coming off, then at the right moment i went over and said "Franny....Franny, can we get our picture taken?"
Franny looked mightly pissed off having just lost 7-2, but being the good sport he is said "ok lads..."
"GREAT!" i chirped up... then it happened, the little devil on my sholder took over, i passed him the camera and said "All you gotta do is press this button!" then stood back with a big grin on my face!... Franny was not best pleased, practically threw the camera back at me and said "IM NOT TAKING YOUR FUCKING PHOTO" and stormed off down the tunnel...

I turned around pissing myself laughing to see the looks on my fellow saints fans faces were of absolute horror, "WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST DO????"....

..... i still laughed all the way home....
(Thu 15th Apr 2004, 23:08, More)

» Phobias

Candles
No really... I vomit uncontrollably in the presence of "blown out" candles, the smokes hits the back of my throat and its "chunky soup" time.

Ruined plenty of birthday cakes when I was little until my parents cottoned on to what it was, had many uncomfortable moments including holding my breath for over a minute at my sons christening whilst my parents giggled.

Hoping to see a hypnotist about it, but worried he'll turn me into a chicken.
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 13:44, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

.
Whilst walking back from a club on a cold december evening, three chav's/tart's were crossing the road opposite me when the largest of the few eye'd my rather loose fitting fleece/coat and said:
Tart: "Cor, I wouldn't mind borrowing that coat"
I couldnt help myself, looked that fat lass up and down and said "nah, wouldnt fit you love"
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 17:25, More)

» My most gullible moment

2 gems
Convincing my Belgian girlfriend (now wife) that Daffodils are called "Turds".

Being convinced at a tender age that Oriental ladies private parts run horizontal instead of vertical.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 1:03, More)