Profile for Shedside:
This is me:
All-Purpose Vanity URL
Things that didn't frontpage but bloody well should have:
mumble, moan, whinge, throw toys out of the pram...
2783BC
The Grand Vizier Kitenptah makes a realisation that was to revolutionise the fledgeling industry of pyramid construction.
Recent front page messages:
Best answers to questions:
- a member for 21 years, 7 months and 15 days
- has posted 413 messages on the main board
- (of which 7 have appeared on the front page)
- has posted 0 messages on the talk board
- has posted 0 messages on the links board
- has posted 4 stories and 0 replies on question of the week
- They liked 15 pictures, 1 links, 0 talk posts, and 21 qotw answers.
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This is me:
All-Purpose Vanity URL
Things that didn't frontpage but bloody well should have:
mumble, moan, whinge, throw toys out of the pram...
2783BC
The Grand Vizier Kitenptah makes a realisation that was to revolutionise the fledgeling industry of pyramid construction.
Recent front page messages:
Oh Edward, the diner just wouldn't be the same without you.
With thanks to Artamnesia
(Thu 17th Oct 2002, 11:12, More)
With thanks to Artamnesia
(Thu 17th Oct 2002, 11:12, More)
Run! Run for your lives! And your sanity!
The link to the original The Fear in the kit is broken, so this is just a sketch. Hence: it's even shiter than it would have been.
(Fri 11th Oct 2002, 13:29, More)
The link to the original The Fear in the kit is broken, so this is just a sketch. Hence: it's even shiter than it would have been.
(Fri 11th Oct 2002, 13:29, More)
Best answers to questions:
» World's Sickest Joke
so very very long
A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the Little Chef attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.
Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.
He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.
"Jesus fucking Christ!"
The leper is a little taken aback, "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave."
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry." And so he hunches further over his meal.
But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.
"For the love of all that's holy!"
"OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am."
"No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise."
But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.
"The baby Jesus sucking cock!"
"Right, that's it." The leper gets up to leave.
"No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"
(Sat 4th Feb 2006, 18:01, More)
so very very long
A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the Little Chef attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.
Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.
He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.
"Jesus fucking Christ!"
The leper is a little taken aback, "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave."
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry." And so he hunches further over his meal.
But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.
"For the love of all that's holy!"
"OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am."
"No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise."
But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.
"The baby Jesus sucking cock!"
"Right, that's it." The leper gets up to leave.
"No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"
(Sat 4th Feb 2006, 18:01, More)
» Obscure Memorabilia
Sue Perkins' Bobble Hat
In January 1998, I was in the audience for Light Lunch. As afficionados of the show will be aware, one segment involves one of the hosts (either Mel or Sue) coming into the audience to examine what a couple of them have brought in to eat during filming. I'd brought "a Millennium Dome cake for Sue to smash in a fit of pique", and said pounding of fists on brownie was included in the show. As part of a skit earlier in the programme, Sue was wearing a green bobble hat which at the end of the cake-destruction she put on my head. I kept it, like a desperate, wide-eyed, stalking wanker.
(Mon 8th Nov 2004, 13:53, More)
Sue Perkins' Bobble Hat
In January 1998, I was in the audience for Light Lunch. As afficionados of the show will be aware, one segment involves one of the hosts (either Mel or Sue) coming into the audience to examine what a couple of them have brought in to eat during filming. I'd brought "a Millennium Dome cake for Sue to smash in a fit of pique", and said pounding of fists on brownie was included in the show. As part of a skit earlier in the programme, Sue was wearing a green bobble hat which at the end of the cake-destruction she put on my head. I kept it, like a desperate, wide-eyed, stalking wanker.
(Mon 8th Nov 2004, 13:53, More)
» My Wanking Disasters
speaking of "snapping the banjo" (see below)...
Many years ago, my frenulum got caught in between a girlfriend's lower front-teeth. I actually felt the snap, and the sensation of my foreskin suddenly becoming somewhat more retractable than I'd previously known it to be, before the sudden rush of lustlessness and a squeamishly light-headed cradling of my bloodied, wounded cock.
The following morning, during a hastily-booked medical centre appointment to reassure myself that no serious damage had been caused, the doctor evidently didn't understand the meaning of the phrase "blow job" (despite this being a University) and suggested that next time I might like to use some lubricant "if the lady wasn't entirely ready". Faced with this startling nugget of advice, I really didn't know quite how to put him straight, choosing instead to quietly sympathise with the guy's evidently foreplay-impoverished wife.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 17:14, More)
speaking of "snapping the banjo" (see below)...
Many years ago, my frenulum got caught in between a girlfriend's lower front-teeth. I actually felt the snap, and the sensation of my foreskin suddenly becoming somewhat more retractable than I'd previously known it to be, before the sudden rush of lustlessness and a squeamishly light-headed cradling of my bloodied, wounded cock.
The following morning, during a hastily-booked medical centre appointment to reassure myself that no serious damage had been caused, the doctor evidently didn't understand the meaning of the phrase "blow job" (despite this being a University) and suggested that next time I might like to use some lubricant "if the lady wasn't entirely ready". Faced with this startling nugget of advice, I really didn't know quite how to put him straight, choosing instead to quietly sympathise with the guy's evidently foreplay-impoverished wife.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 17:14, More)
» Slang Survey
Boyed
My missus works as a teacher in a South London boys' comp, so this has genuine classroom etymology. I gather it means "made to feel like a little boy", as in "aaah, Miss boyed you!" consequent to an Exercise Of Discipline.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 13:08, More)
Boyed
My missus works as a teacher in a South London boys' comp, so this has genuine classroom etymology. I gather it means "made to feel like a little boy", as in "aaah, Miss boyed you!" consequent to an Exercise Of Discipline.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 13:08, More)