» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Forget my previous post...
I feel I should also mention this:

I recently stumbled upon the new digital station called "Birdsong" - the name says it all, 24/7 incessant chirping which is meant to be relaxing, but I find really quite disturbing. However, I realised the other day that there may be some fun to be had with this...

I have a cat, Matilda Bluebell, here's the bugger:


I called her down in to the kitchen and placed her in front of the radio, and turned the birdsong on full volume. Her little pointy ears suddenly prick upwards, and she starts looking around frantically, running about the room and sniffing in the corners, meowing and purring. That's when I left the room. I checked back an hour later, and she was prancing from blind to blind, doing some strange military march forwards and backwards on her hind legs, intent on finding the source of the noise. I think she gave up eventually.

I've been thinking of taking this to another level, and rigging up the radio to speakers, putting them on the pavement and waiting for the cats to assemble and start an all out war on the invisible birds.

I'll keep you posted...
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 22:06, More)

» Why I was late

No Joke
I get the train to school every morning, it usually only takes five minutes, but the other day, I arrived in assembly (complete with harmonic choir and teeny children) blood - stained and 40 minutes late.

I had to explain to the whole room that I was on my usual route to the platform, i stopped at ticket barrier where instead of having gates that let you through, there are old turnstiles.

I had put my ticket in the machine, and proceeded to shove painfully through the turnstile. I don't know what happened next, but I remember falling and somehow landing on the floor, underneath the turnstile, which straight away began to shoot backwards as they do. Instead this time, every metal rung on the turnstile smacked straight into my head in succession. It was the most painful thing ever.

By this time, the ticket inspector and three people had managed to get me out and lift me to my feet. I was completely dazed, and lifting my hand to my head, felt a huge amount of blood seeping from my skull.

It took half an hour for the emergency services to patch my head up, my clothes had gone from white to red. I would have gone home if i didn't have a GCSE exam.

So when I finally arrived at school (people on the train had been staring at me), and explained, my headteacher said i was an idiot for coming in, even if i had an exam, and he sent me home.

Just another wasted day.
(Sun 1st Jul 2007, 14:30, More)

» Stalked

My Dad
is an actor, currently doing a play locally. There is a man who comes to every one of his plays, very nice chap apparently, but a bit weird. So, dad is performing his new play last week, and his stalker is there to support him. At a particularly sinister part of the play, Dad looks in to the audience, straight ahead of him, a spotlight is shining, and all he can make out in the glare is the light glinting on stalker's glasses, as he sits there in the front row of the audience, grinning, two arms raised high in a jovial thumbs up.

Dad has avoided him ever since.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 16:39, More)

» Too much information

A few years back...
In the scummy school girl's toilets populated by girls that were the embodiment of vicky pollard in her fattest form. I was standing waiting for a friend, when I heard a loud conversation between three of such girls:
Girl 1: "I'm only wearing two pads this month!"
Girl 2: "You wha?"
Girl 3: "Do we really need to know? you slag!"
Girl 1: "Fuck Off! It's just that normally I wear three, but the problem with that was they got stuck up my ass like a wedgie, and when I walked they felt all squidgy! So two's better.."
Girl 2 and 3: "Ohh I know that squidgy feeling! fucking orrible!"

At which point, my friend came out of the toilet, she'd heard too and we both hurried to leave as the "squidgy feeling" conversation continued. Needless to say, I have never been able to look at those girls the same way. Too much info? - I think so.
(Fri 7th Sep 2007, 18:35, More)

» Sleepwalking

My hamster habits..
my whole family has weird sleeping patterns. My dad snores so loudly (this is not a joke) that on three occassions the neighbours have had to knock on the door and ask him to shut up. My mum, as well, puts a chokehold on the duvet, and once she is holding and pulling it her way, my dad can't wrench it from her grasp, meaning he has to spend the entire night freezing cold. My brother sleep walks a lot, including one time when we thought he had been abducted in the night becuase his bed was empty in the morning. It turned out he been walking up the A27 (a good 30 miles away) all night, and had been picked up by police in his boxers. My mum was not happy. Me - i do a hamster impression, i curl up in a ball and squeak, sometimes i talk too, apparently stuff like "NOOO, NOT THE CHOCOLATE!" and "SQUIRELLLSSSS POONNNN!!!"
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 16:12, More)