» Accidental animal cruelty

When Ants Attacks
My little sister bought herself an ant farm - one of those gel ones, where you can see through the glass frame all the tiny tunnels that the little blighters make, and watch them waving their little anty antenna around, and doing whatever it is ants decide to do in edible blue gel.

She loved this ant farm. She populated it with a few black ants, and true to form they dug mini catacombs, and ran around, content in their own little ant eutopia. It was the ant equivilent of surburban bliss, with blue gel instead of picket fences. After a while, a few of these ants died fat, content deaths of old age. So, my little sister, concerned that her sociable little ant friends might get lonely now there were so few of them left, trotted off to find some new ants to add to the colony.

She was very careful to chose black ants, as everyone knows black ants and red ants hate each other.

Well, it turns out that there is some civil war going on in black ant land.

It was a massacre. Through the clear glass frame, we could do nothing but stand helplessly by as a vicious and bloody genocide swept through the blue gel tunnels. Limbs were removed, and left to clutter up the floor. Feuding ants formed katamari like balls of rage, that rolled down the gentle inclines of their mini citadel. Corpses were piled in corners. One savage ant trooped onwards, the severed head of a foe still clamped in death onto his hind leg. It made the 300 look like a carebear movie.

In true Highlander form, in the end, there was only one. One battle weary ant, with a dead head still attached to his back leg. He lived out the rest of his days in catacombs full of ant corpses, and my sister didn't dare give him any more friends for fear of the terrible rage he might unleash on them.

When he finally died, she tried washing out all the dead ants from the tunnels with water, but they simply swirled around like a really horrific version of an ant massacre snow globe. She tried to introduce new ants, but as if sensing the death and destruction that had occured in the tunnels below, they huddled on the surface and refused to go inside.

In the end she gave up, and started raising sea monkeys instead.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 15:06, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Here goes....
So, I'm at uni, been seeing this guy for a week or so, and for the first time we head back to his room together. We kiss, we pet, he grabs a condom, strips while facing away from me, and then (like a magician revealing a fine trick) spins round to face me, johnny on, ready to go. My first introduction to his manhood.

It was miniscule. I mean, really, really. It was like a cocktail sausage wearing a see-through tent. It was smaller than my little finger, and I have ridiculously small hands (not quite Beadle, but close). He crawled towards me, and the condom just slid off his erect manhood like a baby snake shedding skin. He put it back on, and it just wouldn't stay, and inside me a mounting horror merged with a rapidly declining libido. But, we've come this far, and I felt bad for him all ready to go, and me tying my legs together, and I must admit there was more than a smattering of pity at his Honey I Shrank My Appendage, so I thought I'd just give him a blow job. Consolation prize. I threw away the condom, and got down to work.

You know how JD in scrubs has his own personal monologue running? Well, I have my own. Normally, it's fairly mundane and non-offensive, but as I grappled with distinctly less than a mouthful of willy, the little voice in my head piped up.

"This is what being a paedophile must feel like."

That was it. I couldn't continue. I practically spat his dick out and ran out the door. Poor sod.

B3ta first post! Sorry it's a bit epic.
(Wed 20th Jun 2007, 13:15, More)

» Sleepwalking

In Soviet Russia, Sleep Walks In You!
I woke my boyfriend up by laughing manically in my sleep the other night.

Apparently when he asked me what was so funny, I replied:

"Gorbachev."


I really wish I could remember that dream :/
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 13:37, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

A Good Idea, Perhaps Poorly Executed...
Not so much a PC story, but a totally un-PC one.

My university held a themed night to help raise money for HIV charities.

The theme?

Pimps and hookers.

No lie.

Thank god they weren't raising money for preventing child abuse. Imagine the costumes...
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 10:51, More)