» Family Holidays

Rectum? It nearly killed him!
As previously stated my family only went on vacation to places that had blackjack tables. This meant we always either had holiday in Vegas or Lake Tahoe, which is like Las Vegas with ski slopes. While we skied, Dad gambled.

I skied alone as I was much more proficient in the sport than my Mum and Sis. We had planned to meet up for lunch at noon. My mother had bought us all sandwiches at the 7-11 (the US equivelent of a Tesco Express, I believe) the previous evening. I was the only one who ate the egg salad sandwich of undetermined age.

After lunch I went back up the lift. As I was getting on the highspeed quad lift to the top of the mountain, I felt a slight gas pain in my gut. Half way up the lift I thought, "Man, this sandwich is not sitting well with me at all." When I arrived at the top I was hunched over in pain. I was ghost white, hunched over with sweat pouring off my face. The lift operator asked if I was alright. "No!" I screamed and I was off.

I'm flying down the mountain with my butt cheeks clenched togher while screaming in pain. I really wasn't sure if I was going to make it. The moguls were not helping at all. The lodge was in sight.

I started releasing my skis as soon as I was on flat ground. I was still moving when I took the second ski off so I tumbled a few times then landed on my feet and took off running. I didn't even see which direction my skis skidded off to. I ran as fast as a guy in ski boots possibly can. I'm tearing off layers as I enter the ski lodge. I high tail it into the restrooms and I'm ready to unleash the fury of my meal at the buffet the night before.

I get in there and every single goddamn stall is taken. Just as I was about to kick in the door where some 12 year old is taking a piss, a stall opens up. I push some guy out of the way and latch the door.

The bathroom was completly empty in 30 seconds. The sound of me screaming and my colon discharging combined with the smell must have been horrific.I sharded the sandwich, everything I had consumed for the past few days, and a penny I had swallowed when I was three. 5 minutes later and I'm still sitting on the toilet, trying to catch my breath when I hear the door open. Some guy took a step in and gagged audibly. I found this funny. I chuckled and a fart came out. Then the guy who walked in starts chuckling. I'm going "Heh-pfft-heh-pfft-heh." Which makes this guy bust up laughing, which gets me laughing which triggers round two of the sandwich vengence and the bathroom is cleared once again.

I'm in there for an hour before I was sure it was over. I was still sweating when I came out. My mother was like, "Where were you? Oh my god! You look terrible! What happened?" I says "Take...me...home."

It wans't so much length as it was volume.
(Sat 4th Aug 2007, 6:57, More)

» Pointless Experiments

The world's strongest magnets
Got stuck up my friends nose. Magnetically. Through his septum.

The gang and I were over at a friends house whose parents were out of town. We were hanging out, admiring refrigerator photos, looking through junk drawers, when we came across a bag labeled, "World's Strongest Magnets!" There were 2 rectangular stainless steel wafers about the size of my thumbnail. we marveled at way the magnets attracted each other through your arm. Not your hand mind you, but your arm.

So my friend Aaron, the loud, jovial one of the group puts the magnets on the outside of his nostrils. We all giggle like maniacs as his nose is pinched together and he crosses his eyes.

Did I mention we were tripping balls on acid? No? Well, we were.

So he goes to take the magnets off but they have a strong grip on either side of his nose. He tries to slide them down his nostrils but the magnets somehow flipped up inside his nostrils.

We pissed ourselves literally and physically (one of us) as Aaron's face turned beet red while he ran around waving his arms and screaming. After the initial hilarity wore off we had to figure out how to get these magnets out of his nose.

Since we were frying, we devised a electro magnetic polarity reverser that was a car battery tied to a refrigerator magnet with a torn extension cord. It didn't reverse the magnetic fields, but it did make Aaron scream more. That made us laugh more.

Finally someone sober came over and went in with a pair of tweezers. There was a lot of screaming and laughing but they did come out.

Then we went to Denny's.
(Mon 28th Jul 2008, 9:54, More)

» Guilty Secrets

..and it's still there
A while ago my slightly geriatric boss left his cell phone at work. I did what any good Christian would do and took a picture of my nut sack and assigned it for the background of his phone.

He came in later that day to get his phone and I stifled a smile as he checked his messages. It's been two months.

Not so much length as texture.
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 7:27, More)

» Family Holidays

Roll down the windows!
The only place my family ever vacationed was Las Vegas as my father was addicted to Pai-Gow Poker. On the morning before our depature my Mom took us to a 99 cent all-you-can-eat breakfast at a sleazy hotel off the strip. I must have ate about a pound of eggs and had two glasses of whole milk. Usualy at home we drank the non-fat variety. The breakfast was quite tasty and satisfing.

The drive from Vegas back to Los Angeles is about 4 hours long. It was August so it was about 40c in the Nevada desert outside. I sat in the back row of our Toyota Previa mini van. My sister was in the middle row and my parents up front. The first fart crept out of my ass about 45 minutes into the trip. The smell was indescribable. My eyes burned and I started giggling, knowing that my family would be experiencing my flavor soon. My sister started screaming and my parents got about half-way trhough asking her what was wrong before they started screaming too. The mini van's rear windows didn't roll down and my father refused to roll the windows down up front and lose the cool air. I farted about once every five minutes as the van marinated in my stench. My fart smells just kept getting worse and worse. After 2 hours of this my father was finally forced to roll down the window because he was throwing up.

And that's how I learned I was lactose intolerent. For the years after that I was expressly forbidden to drink any milk before the ride to Vegas and back.
(Fri 3rd Aug 2007, 0:22, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

That was some shit...
It was a cold winter day when my co-worker informed me that his Mother-in-law had passed away. She had been given 6 months to live 3 years ago. I offered my condolences, gave him a hug, and pretended to care where the funeral was before asking a very sensitive question.

"Do you still have any of her meds left?"

He did. I almost shit my pants when he brought in 40 tablets of 60 milligram time released morphine. I think I gave him 40 bucks for the bottle. I worked my 8 hours just itching to try one. I had had morphine before, but never in such a strength.

I got home and immediately crushed and boiled the pills to defeat the time release. Then I converted it to morphine sulfate and did a hot line.

I felt it enter my bloodstream and rush to my brain then drip down my spinal cord untill it burned my asshole. It was groovy. I was in the greatest mood ever.

After a week of giddy euphoria I felt a slight cramp in my gut. I came to the realization that I had not taken a crap in a week. I tried to crap but it just wasn't happening. I bought a bottle of saline laxative (the green carbonated crap that tastes like Kool Aide Man's sweat) and guzzled it.

Day 8 - I woke up that morning and nothing. Hmmmm... The pain was worse. I bought a bottle of this earbal cleansing shit and another bottle of saline laxitive (cherry this time). 4 to 6 hours later.... Nothing. I tried yoga techniques and le mans breathing. I visualized the mass in my colon and tried to picture the massive fecal build up passing through my rectum and into the toilet. Then I grabbed the handicap powergrip bar and pushed on that bad boy with all I had. After all that I had not even dropped a turd but had given myself a hemorrhoid.

Day 9 - Pain and lots of it. Unfortunately the only thing that killed the pain was the Morphine that had me stopped up in the first place. I had to be at work today and was ready to take drastic measures. The lady behind the counter tried to stifle a smile as I put the glycerin suppositories and the fleet enema double pack on the counter. Her demeanor changes when she saw my bloated, sweaty, green face. So I went home and started reading the directions for the enema. I used the lying on the side method. I felt a tingle and ran to the toilet and unleashed.... What I had just put in. It wasn't even brown. The second time I used the doggy style insertion method and held the mineral oil in my colon a full five minutes before trying again. No dice. Wow. I passed out at work and someone had to throw water on me to come to. I ran to ye old drugstore and purchased a gallon of Pedialite that I downed while waiting for my credit card to go through. I tried a glycerin suppository that did nothing but burn my strained sphincter. On my way home I paid yet another visit to Rite-Aide. It was time to get serious.

Day-10 I took 6 Peri-Colace. The ultimate laxative. This stuff will empty your colon in about an hour and is the most violent laxative ever made. Forget every cure you have ever heard. If Peri-Colace doesn't work, nothing will. The bottle said not to exceed 2 tabs in 24 hours but when the hell do I ever use as directed. Nothing. Nada. At this point my body was shutting down. My piss looked like semen. I couldn't stay awake. I was desprate. I tried every cockamamie home remedy I heard. I drank a jug of prune juice, I drank some milk that had expired 2 weeks ago. I got a 7 Layer Burrito with extra sour cream and red sauce, milk of magneasa, cocaine, coffee enemas, speed, mineral oil, a danger dog from Hollywood, nothing.

Day-11 I couldn't move or wake up. My friend dragged my ass out of bed. I slept through my meeting with my lawyer. I then went back to my car and passed out untill I had to be at work. I some how made it through the day by listning to "Sugar" by Tori Amos on repeat. I was too tired and sick to try anything that day.

Day-12 Alright, I had a cruise that I had paid 300 dollars that was leaving tomorrow. After you haven't shit in 2 weeks you may need a colostomy to remove the feces, and I wasn't about to wear no fanny pack filled with shit to Rosarito. I took 60 Peri-Colace (40 is a lethal dose) with a gallon of mira-lax that I forged a prescription to get. I awoke three hours later with the first urge to shit I had felt in weeks. I crawled excitedly twords the toilet hoping this was the end of this misery. I grabbed an issue of Cosmo and crawled onto the throne

It was all over in 3 seconds. But what a three seconds it was! My asshole permently doubled in size as the "cork" tore my anus to my balls. After that it was all liquid. I was sure there was more to come, but that turned out to be everything.

The next 2 hours was pure torture as the laxative overdose cleared out several major organs and a penny I swallowed when I was three. When I looked at my creation all I saw was brown water that had risen to the rim. I was curios exactly how big it was but was not about to go fishing for it then throw it on the Tanita. I wiped my ass, thighs, balls, the toilet, the walls around the toilet, the ceiling, ect.... Then I popped a morphine and went back to bed.

Length was nothing, that fucker was 2 stone.
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 20:44, More)