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» Will you go out with me?

Who said romance is dead?
My mate used this line. Successfully.

Mate (to girl): You and me are having sex tonight.

Girl: Why so sure?

Mate: Because I can run faster than you.

Lovely.
(Sat 30th Aug 2008, 19:42, More)

» Sleepwalking

Sleepwa*king
Kind of off topic, mildly embarressing, but here goes...

As a young man, experiencing strange urges and sprouting hairs, I used to suffer from those pleasureable nocturnal emissions that visit teenage boys during sleep. Whilst not unpleasant, they did make the bedsheets go somewhat crunchy so, as a concerted effort to save the sheets, I would place my thumb over the end to prevent the fluid of shame going everywhere as I awoke, then get up and run to the toilet to release it safely.

Fast forward several years to university. I had managed to pull a delightful young lady who, upon awaking, thought it a wizard wheeze to wake me up by (rather expertly) fellating me. Unfortunately, as I came, I was transported to my earlier days. Cue much hilarity as I punched her spark out as I quickly moved my hand down to stop anything coming out of the end and going on the sheets.

Thankyouverymuch
(Sun 26th Aug 2007, 21:24, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

How to (almost) kill an OFSTED inspector
Not entirely on purpose mind...
Going back a few years, A-level physics. Me and a mate conducting a "lift" experiment whereby we calculated the lift generated by a propellor by the negative weight it generated at differing rpms. Unsure how it all worked now, but we were dead chuffed and our physics teacher was dead proud of us. Until one day...
Due to the fact that the prop motor we used was unrated, we had to think of a way of knowing the rpm of the prop another way - and we found an old strobe light, the theory being that if the strobe flickered at the same rate as the prop span, the prop would appear "still" (which it did - cue much hilarity when forgetting if the motor was on or not).
So there we are, darkened room, prop spinning, strobe light flashing. We hear a voice outside our cramped dark room saying "and in here we have two of our most promising students". Door opens, teacher sticks head in, followed by OFSTED inspector. Who was, previously unbeknownst to us or any of the school staff, epileptic.
(Thu 26th Jul 2007, 0:33, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Not just shit
There are many reasons why I don't use public transport. Main reason is because it's dirty, smelly, unreliable and lets face it, the car is much better and efficient. But there are other reasons. Such as this...

Had to travel down to london for the weekend. Usually would drive but was going to a gig on the sunday night and so would be drunk - thought the train would be the sensible option. Got on the train and settled down for the fun journey.

Began quietly - despite setting off from Huntingdon (will be lovely when they finish it). Passed through all the stations without incident until we reached Stevenage at about 9pm.

Hell. Fire.

Normally I would drive - and driving down the A1 past Stevenage is usually great fun, dodging all the "souped up" Corsas and the like (honestly, its like they drive through Halfords with a magnet on the car. Downlighters on a fiesta? Fucksakes). However, I was in a train and got to experience the joys of the locals first hand. A few scratters and sundry chavs got on, then "she" got on. Must have been about 16. Slightly overweight. Was poured into an ill-advised white dress that managed to be too low cut and too short, displaying a lack of bra and a very small thong when she sat down. Absolutely wasted, and yet was still swigging from a bottle of blue WKD. Being helped by her mates, she wobbled over to a seat near and facing me. I tried to ignore the group and concentrate on what was playing on my ipod, but couldn't help but notice when she passed out and proceeded to achieve the "triple crown".

That is she pissed herself. Then shat herself (copiously), the smell of which woke her up and made her throw up.

As I say, I hate public transport.
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 23:56, More)

» Evil Pranks

A few years ago...
... I decided to fool my kids into thinking I was killed in a canoeing accident, then fucked off to panama with the missus and pissed the insurance money up the wall
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 19:44, More)
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