» Abusing freebies

Buffet for 200
About six months ago, I was invited to a two-day residential training course as part of my job as an IT spannermonkey. Well, lunch each day was provided by a catering company, and comprised of around 20 trestle tables arranged in a rectangle and piled high with the finest buffet foods - sandwiches, Indian snacks, sausage rolls, buns, fruit and the like.

On the last day, we're all (about 200 of us) milling around in the main hall having just enjoyed a splendid lunch. Then... over the tannoy...

"Attention all conference attendees. The catering company have informed us that attendees are welcome to help themselves from the buffet. Doggy-bags are available at the ends of each set of tables."

Now, did I mention all 200 of us are recent graduate employees? Which means all of us spent three to four years with no money, eating beans from dented tins by candlelight...

Carnage ensued. The coaches were due in ten minutes.

I have never seen such a scene of mass destruction. 200 ex-students descending on the food. But by far the best bit was the look on the caterer's faces as we pillaged the snacks, and loaded as many bags as we could get our grubby mitts on...

Oh, and the bit when one of the tables collapsed, sending vol-au-vents everywhere...

Happy days...
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 14:55, More)

» Common

I enjoy being common
Especially at work dos, meetings, important conference calls etc. It makes me smile when everyone else is using 'corpspeak' (thought grenade, blue-sky thinking, you know all that office bingo fodder) and I turn around and say, 'You know what, I'm not accepting that document because it's tat. I'm not going to approve it because it's been written by a mong and I'm angry that you've even wasted my time presenting it to me.' Helps of course that I have a broad Essex accent (innit guv) with a bit of Manc thrown in...

The best bit, I think, was when I turned up to work in a huge, beaten-up Leyland DAF van - with no paperwork on it obviously :-) - that looked as if someone had literally beaten their way out of the back doors, probably while tied up. I bought it from the gypsies. Looked cracking lined up next to my colleague's Audis and BMWs. Who was waiting for me in the car park? Half the people I was supposed to be presenting to - customers and colleagues alike - who were outside having a crafty fag. I wasn't embarrassed, but they were. Common? Facking right guvnor. LOVE IT.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:10, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

Sort of on-topic...
I think joining Facebook was about the worst mistake I ever made ... yep, spent a few months on there enduring the minutae of every former friend's life ... tens of e-mails a day, pointless 'groups' which never achieved anything, tons and tons of viral apps to play with - well, maybe this belongs in Top Tips but I'm going to say it anyway. E-mail privacy@facebook.com, request to be taken off Facebook and within days, the very nice people there will delete you from existence entirely.

I'm not sure what this proves, perhaps I AM an introverted social retard, but I've never looked back.

Apologies for lack of funny.

Facebook will eat your soul.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 15:29, More)

» Turning into your parents

We're moving soon
And when discussing this with my other half, she mentioned having a larger garden would be nice 'because of the kids'.

To my horror, I heard the words come out of my mouth ...

"They'd better watch out for my plants. I want to grow some rhubarb".

I'm 25 ffs.

And I really like rhubarb.
(Thu 30th Apr 2009, 17:01, More)

» When Animals Attack

Cow headbutt
I remember it quite well when my younger brother was about 5 years old. My dad was taking us out for the day and we went to some kind of open farm (may have been Marsh Farm, Essex - well worth a look if you have kids!) where my dad held up my brother to see the cows in their pen and the cow headbutted him ... although I realise now it was probably painful and embarrassing, it was the funniest thing I'd seen in a long time...
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 16:42, More)