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» Desperate Times

Putting the Fun in Funeral Pt3
You may or may not be aware that some years ago, I was employed by a local funeral directors in a grim market town. Apart from the titillating anecdotes to which you all have been privvy, the following acts of desperation were undertaken (sic).

1. A grieving widow, whilst viewing her husband in the chapel of rest, decided that life no longer had any meaning and she would like to follow her husband off of this mortal coil. She grabbed the nearest heavy implement, which happened to be a large earthenware candleholder, and raised it over her head, with the intention of giving herself enough cranial trauma to snuff out her candle, so to speak. The problem was she had applied rather too much handcream, and the candleholder shot backwards out of her greased palm, and connected with the back of a neighbouring mourner, knocking him into the coffin of the deceased family member to whom he was paying his last respects.

2. One young, newly employed funeral director, was taking a body to a funeral in a nearby city on his own. To avoid paying the "One person in car" surcharge on a particular stretch of highway, he placed the deceased in the passenger seat. This might not have been so bad, had he been able to bend the body's legs into the sitting position, and ended up driving along with a dead man's head poking out of the sunroof.

3. We realised with horror some hours after a particularly harrowing enterrment, that we had, in fact, buried the wrong body. Normally we'd have simply not bothered and buried the original body in the next funeral, since what the eye does not see, but the next funeral was a catholic one, and they wanted the body on show for the blessing.
In a flash of inspiration, one member of the team proclaimed he would 'deal with it'.
It was for this reason, that a negro gentleman was presented for blessing at the funeral of a white Catholic, wearing a Power-Rangers mask and yellow rubber gloves to cover our shame, because "the fire had disfigured him too much and the funeral directors didnt want to upset anyone".
One of the relatives was heard to ask "But didnt Arthur die of drowning?"
"That's why he's wearing rubber gloves" retorted another mourner.
(Thu 15th Nov 2007, 12:41, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

By Popular Demand, Funeral Directors Stories - Part 2.
During my tenure at the funeral directors I was also privvy to the following terrible and shameful events.

1) The funeral of a local civic dignitary where the bereaved relatives had requested that 'Jerusalem' sung by Kings College Choir be played during the commital to the flames.
The task of sourcing the music was given to the rookie, who - unable to find a copy of Jerusalem, had decided to substitute a 'similar song'.
It was for this reason that the dearly departed's coffin sailed through the curtain to the sound of "Achy, Breaky Heart" by Billy-Ray Cyrus, the deceased having died from a coronary

2) There was an occasion when the driver of the hearse containing the coffin saw his car driven by a car thief go through the lights ahead of him. Cue a wild 'Starsky and Hutch' style chase through the streets with a 1989 Vauxhall Cavalier being chased by a coffin-bearing 1998 Ford Scorpio Hearse.
As he rounded a particularly tight bend, tooting his horn for all he was worth, the coffin slid back, hit the boot door, opening it and shot out of the back like a cork from a champagne bottle, straight through the window of a branch of Phones4U, much to the chagrin of its staff.

3) During one funeral at the local crematorium, the head funeral director slipped behind the main curtain (which opens for the coffin to slide through at the comittal to the flames) and disappeared.
Imagine the horror of the collected mourners when the curtains opened to reveal him being expertly fellated by one of the crematorium staff! By the look on his face he was within a hair's breadth of the vinegar strokes, his face contorted into a mix of ecstacy and anguish which changed to horror when he noticed his newly acquired audience.
Of course he was too far gone to stop now, and in full view of the crowd uttered a groan of pleasure of which Peter North would've been proud.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 19:31, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Putting the 'Fun' In Funeral
I worked for a couple of years at a firm of undertakers. Most grieving relatives thought we were the paragon of virtue but would they have choked on their post funeral vol-au-vents if they had know of the following malpractises.

1) A young drunk funeral director who photographed himself naked with an also naked corpse of a recently departed local councilor. He had adjusted her face into a gurning smirk, placed a raw haddock in her mouth and and a multicoloured clown wig on her head. It looked like a promotional photo for the Little and Large Summer tour.

2) The Funeral Director who stole all the gold fillings from a deceased businessman's mouth and had a large, and I felt, rather unsightly sovereign ring forged from it by a goldsmith in the next town.

3) We used to provide a cremation service as well. Quite often the ashes would get spilt or lost, so we'd burn off a pile of newspapers in the furnace and fill an urn with that. Relatives would sometimes question why their deceased relatives had been cremated with a copy of Razzle.

4) Have you ever wondered what funeral directors keep under their top hats? Well one of my colleagues kept 2 smoked salmon rolls, a bag of smiths salt and shake and a yorkie bar. One summer, the yorkie melted, and rivulets of chocolate dripped down his head and into his eyes, making it look like he had a small creature under there which was having some sort of dirty protest.

5) When the mortuary was out of space, we used to dress the deceased up in evening wear and leave them propped up around the showroom, to make them look like customers. Every so often some doddery old codger would try and hold a conversation with one, and would be slightly non-plussed when one of my colleagues would turn up and load the body onto a sack barrow to take them into the chapel.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 16:26, More)

» Voyeurism

Pizza Hut 1990 - First Date Blues
I took my first long term squeaze to the Pizza Hut, (I was a student pauper, it was all I could afford).

She was beautiful, (although she worked in Woolworths on a Saturday, and put tissue paper in her bra cups to give one the illusion of larger mammary glands.), long brown hair and legs all the way up to her armpits (I suppose on reflection the lack of a body might've put some men off).

We went after her stint in Woolies to the Pizza Hut, and were shown to a table by the long picture window, which looked out on to the street.

The whole meal was a disaster, the waiter forgot the eating irons, He bought the wrong pizzas over, split coke on my date's lap and then failed to mop it up. I was 16, very naive and had no concept of how to complain effectively.

However the cap on the evening was when a local vagrant appeared at the window next to us, and proceeded to masturbate to orgasm on the glass.
I still have nightmares about hot rivulets of tramp-jizz rolling down a window whilst a gurning, thoroughly sated vagrant stares in longingly at my meat feast.
(Wed 17th Oct 2007, 15:57, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Jims Shanty,
I banged a 17 year old
She took it up the bum
She was a randy little cow
But not half as bad as her mum!

For when I went to meet her
She sat upon my face
And rode like it was the derby
I tells you it was ace!

Then she rode my todger
This lass of 51
She rode me to a shuddering climax
Which I emptied over her bum

But her daughter didnt like this
My stoking both her and her Ma
She took offense which manifested itself
When she tried to run me down in her car!
(Sun 7th Dec 2008, 9:26, More)
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