» Rock and Roll Stories

Rock the Establishment
Hardly original, but I once smoked up a joint in a Buckingham Palace toilet. There was a fellow outside with a sword and a horse-tail helmet - the full works, and there was me inside toking up a fat one. Luckily, i'd dropped my guts just before lighting up so the two stenches sorta mingled, cancelling each other out in the nasty way air-freshner does.

Then, wall-eyed and out of my gourd, I proceeded to mingle with the other guests invited to witness the investitures. I met one of my heroes, Ian Botham, and I swear he was looking at me jealously because he knew I was boxed, and Michael Caine called me a drunk, so I called him a shite-hawk and told him that there are plenty of treatments that can rid a man of the shards of greasy scalp that coated the tired old hack's shoulders.


It got worse - I dropped a fart during the ceremony that could have been heard in Wapping, and when the smell hit I was laughing so hard without opening my mouth that tears streamed down my eyes, I was a right old mess :-D
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 15:42, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Irish Funeral Shame
I attended the funeral of a distant relative, but being Irish funerals in our family are memorable affairs, a gathering of clans, a time to remember the dead fondly and have a few scoops while you're at it.

This particular funeral was for a venerable old great Aunt and we'd all been drinking whiskey in the pub before setting off. I lurked late because I wanted to smoke one up before saying goodbye to Auntie Naimh, so I got good and loaded and wobbled off to the cemetary.

The thing about whiskey and weed is it tends to knock your head off. When I got to the burial grounds I saw the gathered mourners and sidled over. The Priest was doing his level best to be moving, tears flowed and I started blubbing as well as verses were read out over the grave.

Then I heard "Who the feck are you?"

Wrong funeral. Aunt Naimh was being buried on the other side of the cemetary and there I was stoned to the gills greetin my eyes out to who the f*ck knows? :-D
(Thu 11th May 2006, 11:45, More)

» Intense Friendships

Gang Bang
We had a stooopid gang when we were kids, and many shenanigans were wrought in lore during initiations and general tomfoolery.

OUr base of operations was a huge walnut tree which was ideal for kids to play in. One time a new initiate was gawping up gingerly as the assembled gang frolicked in the boughs of the tree like monkeys. Imagine his shock as he looked up and my my little brother's turd hit him square in his open mouth. Yup, that's right, in the upper boughs of the tree my wee brother had decided to drop his kecks, and indeed his guts, and could never have foreseen such a perfect aim.

Cue a very distressed kid, vomiting, with shite down his throat and all over his mouth - we were out of that tree and gone, laughing like drains, such was the cameraderie :-D

Another time the gang found an abandoned gas cylinder, Calor or whatnot, and it seemed to be full, so we opened the valve and blew the whole feckin thing to hell - the smell of gas permeated about 12 surrounding villages and they were looking for a leak in the main for days - we said nothing, leaning heavily on a few of the girlier gang members who almost cracked under the strain of guilt - luckily their leaders were made of sterner stuff :-D
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 13:29, More)

» Toilets

How could I forget?
When I was a kid, about 6 or 7, I was larking about one winter's day when I got caught short.

Being a nipper, I thought nothing of grabbing a dock-leaf and curling one down behind the hill. Having laid a magnificent 10 inch cable, I was wiping up and admiring my steaming handiwork, when a small dog nipped by, picked up my loaf and tossed his head back, swallowing the still steaming turd in one clean gulp - The coup de grace of course was when it's master turned up, and the dog, happy after a warm square meal, ran up and licked the poor fucker right on the face:-D
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 12:03, More)

» * PFFT *

Gas Machine
I drink far too much beer to ever be far from a trouser commotion, and these are usually loosed off with great abandon, studied nonchalence or vicious cruelty. Long, gaseous noise merchants, silent, evil kebab stinkers - you name it, but the only horror I have is the honeymoon period of sleeping with a new partner, that period in which thou shalt not fart is the number one bedtime rule.

Last year I embarked on a new relationship with a wonderful woman, and i'd been duely avoiding treating her to the full repertoire. One night, after copious pints of dark malty beer (not to mention chicken wings and Polish sausage) we were getting busy and I was lying on my back being treated to the delicious sexual ministrations of the blow-job. Feeling more adventurous, she started teasing my perineum, and who would have thought that a massage in that area would stimulate the fart reflex?

Well, it did, right in her face, you could practically see her bangs parting in the gust. I was mortified, but mercifully it didn't ming, not in the slightest, which is rare for me after meats. We're still together, and she still asks from time to time if it's safe for her to go down there, but as the honeymoon period is over, I fart with impunity anyway. As does she :-D

and...

Hardly original, but I once smoked up a joint in a Buckingham Palace toilet. There was a fellow outside with a sword and a horse-tail helmet - the full works, and there was me inside toking up a fat one. Luckily, i'd dropped my guts just before lighting up so the two stenches sorta mingled, cancelling each other out in the nasty way air-freshner does.

Then, wall-eyed and out of my gourd, I proceeded to mingle with the other guests invited to witness the investitures. I met one of my heroes, Ian Botham, and I swear he was looking at me jealously because he knew I was boxed, and Michael Caine called me a drunk, so I called him a shite-hawk and told him that there are plenty of treatments that can rid a man of the shards of greasy scalp that coated the tired old hack's shoulders.


It got worse - I dropped a fart during the ceremony that could have been heard in Wapping, and when the smell hit I was laughing so hard without opening my mouth that tears streamed down my eyes, I was a right old mess :-D
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:01, More)