» Messing with people's heads

Being mean to Germans
Aged about 10 on a South Coast beach, building sandcastles with my cousin when a young German lad who was on holiday with his parents came to join us. He spoke good English due to his English mother, but had a problem remembering certain words (unfortunately our German was not entirely perfect).

One such word was the English for the sun-induced redness on his neck. Before I, charitable soul that I am, could help him out my cousin cut across me, poker-faced, and informed him that 'gayrash' was the expression for which he was searching.

Obviously, as ten year olds, the sight of him going back to his mother to inform her that he had a bad case of the gayrash was 'THE HEIGHT OF COMEDY'.

It passed the time.
(Sun 15th Jan 2012, 11:04, More)

» My most gullible moment

Balaclavas
Not me, but a very dear friend of mine, who we'll accurately call John.

Now while the rest of my friends and I had gallivanted off to uni to be drunken, workshy layabouts, John was stuck at home, working full time in some soul destroying job to earn money for a gap year. At some point in the year I found myself back home for a couple a weeks, so took it upon myself to drive John up to visit our friend Tim at a nearby uni, to show him what he'd been missing.

We arrived, found Tim and set about drinking as much pissy cheap lager as our litle livers could handle (lots, for us hardened student types, somewhat less for John). As is often the case in first year at uni, Tim had friends coming out of his arse (proverbially, thankfully), and we were swiftly introduced to what seemed like everyone in his halls. Names exchanged and swiftly forgotten, we settled down in his room and continued to drink the day away.

Now, John is prone to the occasional foot in mouth moment (he once responded to the ubiquitous "I fucked your mum" gag with an indignant and now legendary "Yeah ditto!") and is somewhat easily led, so we decided to take advantage of this, his increasing drunkenness and the amount of people we'd been introduced and play a prank on our old pal.

While he was in the toilet, I put on Tim's jumper and a balaclava that was handily and inexplicably strewn on the floor and, never dreaming that it would work, we decided that I, in my new garb, would be introduced to John as another friend of Tim's, Jeff. John returns to what is clearly the sight of me, his close friend for countless years, sitting in exactly the same place, drinking the same beer, wearing a jumper far too small for me and a balaclava. Quoth Tim, "John this is Jeff", I extend my hand and John...DOESN'T BAT A FUCKING EYELID! He simply shakes my hand with a cordial "Alright Jeff, good to meet you" and sits down.

Cue me, Tim and Tim's mates nearly damaging ourselves trying not to laugh, and John probably wondering why Tim's friend Jeff has taken to wearing a balaclava, indoors, on a warm day, and why he now appears to be having some sort of muscular spasm.

Just when we, pissed up and easily amused students, think things can't get any better John glances around with a look of deep confusion of his face and queries, "Hey, where's Jabberwocky?"

I nearly shat a kidney.
(Sun 24th Aug 2008, 21:12, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

I was thoroughly unimpressed
To an eight year old, bath pebbles look quite a lot like sweets.

That is all.
(Sun 29th Jun 2008, 13:21, More)

» Faking it

Almost topical...
I once convinced some gullible idiots that I was the right man for a highly prestigious national position. Despite the fact that I had no talent, charisma or even faintest semblance of what I was doing I was snapped up. They found me out in the end, mainly due to my employment of a 6'8 medical experiment who could barely walk let alone work successfully. Ah well, they gave me several million quid compensation so I didn't do too badly out of it.

S. McClaren.
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 20:27, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Films
Or rather, people who take film seriously.

Now, I'm all for watching a film with a few mates and a few beers, but I really don't understand people who treat the latest Hollywood bit of fluff as some sort of revered work of art. It's not, it's entertainment and an exercise in money making. Yes, I'm sure Saw V treads new ground and explores things which were unexplored in the previous FOUR, equally awful, films.

Now I understand that some films, generally made a long time ago, are genuinely interesting and were made when the medium was still relatively new and directors were experimenting with what they could do. Short films, surrealist films, Hitchcock etc, while I know fuck all about them I can see why some people might find them interesting.

What I don't understand is why airtime is given to puffed up film critics discussing the latest Adam Sandler film using phrases like 'Ooh I really like what he's trying to do here'. What he's trying to do is line his pockets by making people whoop and grunt at simulated vomiting and shitting. It doesn't merit fucking discussion. It's the equivalent of the booker prize panel discussing Jordan's autobiography.

No one seems to give a shit about Joyce, Becket, Blake, Marquez, Shakespeare etc and yet society (led by Jonathan 'it's such an honour, I'm such a big fan of your work' Ross) seems to get it's collective cock out and tug merrily away as soon as the latest piece of shiny, explodey Hollywood crap comes out.

Polanski drugged and bum raped a child and international politicians (as well as the usual mob of pretentious twats) defend him. What in the good name of paedophilia is going on? THEY'RE ONLY FUCKING FILMS!

Gah.

relurk
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 13:02, More)