» Top Tips

My Christmas Survival Guide
#1: Carol Singers.

Simply put on a skull-cap, walk up to the door singing ‘Hava Nagila’ loudly, and answer the door with a big smile and a cry of ‘Shalom!’.

#2: The Shopping.

You will need a willing accomplice for this. Take one handkerchief and liberally splatter with drops of yellow, green and above all, red food colouring. Then walk around coughing loudly, waving the handkerchief and arguing with your accomplice that ‘No, the doctor didn’t say it was contagious, did he?’.

#3: Presents.

Buy everyone a box of batteries labeled with ‘Gift Not Included’.

#4: Midnight Mass.

Bored of the same old hymns? Start creating your own lyrics and slipping them into familiar songs, a point for each one nobody notices. By the way, ‘Labeled Four Cheeses’ makes a great substitute for ‘Lord Baby Jesus’.

#5: Christmas Dinner.

An easy one this. Just ply everyone with plenty of drinks, ensure that there are plenty of nibbles to hand, and at a strategic point, when everyone is drunk enough, stand up and announce ‘I’ll just do the washing up then’. If you’ve done it right, they’ll all say ‘No, leave it til later, let dinner go down first’.

#6: Not enough ‘specialized’ drinks for cocktails etc.

Stock up before Christmas with plenty of cheap vodka, then just add it to various household liquids for the desired effect. Sugar and instant coffee makes a good substitute for Tia Maria, mouthwash makes an excellent ersatz Crème De Menthe, and a tin of custard provides the perfect advocaat.

#7: Decorating the tree.

Explain how you’re going back to the more traditional ideas this Christmas, and bring a bucket of chicken entrails into the room. Hey presto, plenty of volunteers for decorating the tree, as long as they don’t want to do it with the entrails of course. Though if they do, remember that entrails are biodegradable, ecologically friendly, and the smell will leave the house in a few years anyway.

#8: Arguments over what to watch on the TV.

Kick the screen in. That way, no more TV, no more arguments.

#9: Crap songs on the radio.

For this solution you will need:
1 500ml plastic bottle a quarter full of petrol
1 sack of fertilizer
10 bags of sugar
1 functional mobile phone, fully charged with SIM card and the number
2 wires, approximately 1ft in length each
Some tools, namely a miniature screwdriver set and a set of fine wire-strippers
A roll of electrical tape and a roll of duct tape
An old car, preferably one you wouldn’t mind seeing blown up
The address of the local radio station

Erm, perhaps this one wouldn’t be such a good idea…
(Sat 18th Oct 2008, 0:36, More)

» Tightwads

As an additional to SnowyTheRabbit's post...
You want a tightwad cunt of a landlord? I once lived in a place where the landlord (reputedly worth in excess of £7 million and at the time owning a quite large DIY store) refused for three years to replace the leaking upstairs bathtub (during which time whenever the upstairs resident (a house converted conveniently for tax reasons into two flats) took a bath, I had to place buckets in the lounge), didn't replace the broken boiler so that every time I wanted hot water I had to unscrew the shower head then switch it on to fill a tub and (and here's the point to it) when the nice neighbours (as opposed to the wankers who lived on the other side) offered in exchange for a small quantity of parts and material to replace the guttering for both himself and the landlord's place, he (the landlord) totally refused on the grounds that he would be giving away some of his stock, in spite of the fact that he would have got the work done for free.

And if you could follow that, join me in a chorus of "what a stupid wanker"
(Tue 28th Oct 2008, 0:02, More)

» Common

Maybe not common, maybe just sad.
But I stopped into a Tesco Express on my way home from work, only to find a gaggle of hoodrats in the queue in front of me, in their sweaty little palms clutched packets of pro-plus, the caffeine tablets with about the same strength as half an espresso.

I can only imagine they thought it to be some sort of legal substitute for speed.
(Wed 22nd Oct 2008, 10:29, More)

» Stuff I've found

My mum, god rest her soul
...once found a slightly battered but still serviceable zippo lighter had fallen into her handbag in the pub. A change of wick, a refill and it served me well for a good few years.

Mind you, she did "find" a few pub ashtrays and glasses had "fallen" into her handbag over the years too.
(Sat 8th Nov 2008, 1:08, More)

» Eccentrics

My local college is one of the only ones in the country which does a course in parapsychology.
The course tutor, a brilliant bloke who always approaches things with an open mind, lets you make up your own mind, and offers cynical and believing sides of the argument, always wears odd shoes.

He also lives in a thatched cottage with two dinosaurs in the front garden, and has a deep and sincere love of the colour purple (not the film, btw)

(mind you, I didn't notice about the shoes at first)
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 0:05, More)