» Evil Pranks

rag week
not mine, my gf's uncle - he's a good laugh, is Alan.

So anyway.

It's rag week. At a University in a large town. Kingston-upon-Thames, as it goes.

What you do is, inform the workmen digging up the road that a bunch of students dressed as coppers are going to try to stop you digging up the road. Then go round the police station and inform the duty chap that a bunch of students dressed as workmen are going to dig the road up...

Retreat to safe distance and watch. Coppers and workmen *hate* students...

PS apologies if bindun, and that.
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 20:41, More)

» Family Feuds

I smacked my brother in the face. Hard.
And holy *fuck* he deserved it.

OK so... my brother Huw works as a doctor. Not that you can tell by the smug fuckeryness he brings to any given party. Oh no. With that and the two small kids, he's a bit too used to being in charge, no matter what. I'd love to say this doesn't spill over to his non-work life. But I'd be lying.

~~backstory~~

Huw was a superior, lordly little cunt when we were kids. Never missing the opportunity to give it the Charlie Big-Potatoes it over his little brother (that's me. Hi.), when to be honest the answer was simply "er, that's because you're nine, and I'm six, you daft bastard. Hence you can do long division or whatever." But, you know, whatever gets you through...

~~/backstory~~

Fast forward a few years - I'm 34 at that point - and I'm quite good at DIY. Basically because my mate's Dad showed me most of it, it's not a big deal in and of itself. I now work doing project management for an audio-visual company... data networks, a/v, whatever it might be. Tellies, projectors, that sort of thing.

So when Huw's wife asks me how to fix a big heavy mirror to the wall, I give her the advice about wall fixings, rawlpugs, several screws versus two coachbolts, the usual. Any builder or old boy anywhere knows this stuff. Plus a bit of over-engineering just in case.

However.

My mistake was to casually enquire as to the weight of the mirror. 35kg apparently. "Oh, right, so about the same as a big telly." This being last year when plasma TVs weighed about that, in the 42"-50" range. LCD tellies weigh less, but tbqfh at the big sizes they are wank. Sorry for dulls; it's my job.

This is the point where Doctor Smugtwat has to weigh in. "I don't think a telly weighs *quite* that much..." While doing these mincy iron-pumping actions, which is funny; he hasn't taken any exercise in ten years or so.

"Er, the weights are written on the boxes, dear boy. I can read, actually."

To cut a too-long-already story short, Doctor Smugtwat takes a swing. Misses. Gets a smack in the mouth, goes down. Bleeds a bit. Bit of a mistake when only one brother takes any exercise (and the boxing classes were good fun, never planned to use them but it's all a bit needs-must-when-the-devil-drives). I think it was a sort of a right hook with a bit of uppercut. Got toothy marks on my knuckles and everything. Score.

Huw, if you're reading this, you're a smug cunt, you deserved it, and I'm amused to picture you bleeding on the floor every time I think about it. I miss your kids and your missus, but you? You can fuck off and die. Remember the time I had to take you away from the house party for nearly-getting-a-shoeing from the host? I do. And you say *he's* a psycho? Mirrors are available, dear boy.

Lack of funnies? Sorry everyone.
(Thu 12th Nov 2009, 22:06, More)

» Accidental innuendo

it needs a service
In another life I would trawl the hi-fi shops of the UK and try to sell them stuff. I don't do that anymore.

So one day I'm in mid-patter to the bored hi-fi bods when a large West Indian lady walks in and says...

(imagine patois a la the Lilt ladies)
"Hello. I've got an old Bush and it needs attention. It's not working like it used to."

Calm and polite as you like, the shop manager was a star - "just bring it in and we'll take a look at it dear", then as soon as she left, we all pissed ourselves.

PS if you are reading this and it was your shop, hi Andrew and/or Paul.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 20:02, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

banana sweat
Not so much PC as out-and-out racism...

So the drummer in the band I was in - a blond, blue-eyed, nazi poster boy - is going out with a beautiful black girl. One night she is talking about how if you eat garlic, you can smell it on you the next day. Quick as a flash, drummer boy replies "that's why you smell of bananas".

And she didn't leave him or kick his arse or anything.

Although later on she did sleep with one of his mates then lie about it and *then* leave him. I guess he deserved it.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 22:04, More)

» Insults

see you....
"see you, if you was on fire, I would watch and warm my hands on it. Then I would wait and wait until the last dying ember. THEN, and only then, would I piss on you."

(first post, long lurk, be nice)
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 22:24, More)