» Dumb things you've done

Stupid Stunt Blade
When I was about 13 I saw a programme on kiddy telly that showed you how they made fake blood come out of stunt blades. Basically the edge of the fake blade was dipped into a fake blood solution, then when drawn across the skin would leave a convincing (ish) line of red blood.

So that afternoon in art I proceeded to get a stanley knife blade and dip it in red paint and then drew the blade quickly down the length of my right arm whilst telling all my mates to 'Watch This!'

Not only did I slice my arm open but due to it getting infected because it was full of red paint I still have the scar.

Idiot.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 13:27, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Telling everyone about your mundane life via Facebook
I really couldn't give a shit:

a: what you are eating for fucking breakfast, yum!
b: that your really excited about your tossing wedding plans.
c: that you've coughed twice and are feeling a bit poorly
d: that you had a great weekend with the girlies, love you hunnies xxx
e: that your team beat another team in a sport I couldn't care equally less about
f: that your having a such a great time out with your friends, you've had to stop and use facebook to let me know
g: that it's nearly Friday, yay! or
h: your pissed off it's monday again.

Please just fuck off. Only let me know if:

a: you've won the lottery
b: you've had a boob job
c: you've suddenly become single
d: you have a terminal illness
e: you fucked a celebrity
f: you got fucked by a celebrity
g: you've got free tickets
h: murdered Katie Price

Thanks in advance.
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 16:30, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Fake Tan
In what culture/society/race/continent on this planet is it considered attractive to be orange?
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 16:02, More)

» Food sabotage

liquorice Lol's
Once worked with a French guy who had a craving for liquorice, not the gay All Sorts but proper strong black stuff.

One day we had a bag in our studio, open for us all to snack on when wanted. It was cut up into small flat squares. Said Frenchie whenever he came into our room (he was an account manager and was always dashing from studio to studio checking on progress) he would aways grab a handful and run out again munching.

About that time I had to move a computer that had been in the same place for about four years. As I unstuck it from the desk it left the four hard black plastic feet remaining there.

The rest is obvious really. Cue loud screams and expensive dental work.

And that's how I learnt to swear in French!
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 16:22, More)

» Food sabotage

Fag Ponce
Not quite a food sabotage but...

There was this fucking annoying northern cunt of a relative who at any family occasion would never bring any fags but would always ponce mine, to the extent that once he actually knicked the packet and later on I had to ponce one back!

At a rather drunken wedding he'd ponced one too many so my Brother in-law and I divided the remaining fags between ourselves and took them into the gents. Locked in seperate cubicles we proceeded to rub the butts liberally with helmet cheese and stuck them up our arses. After removing a few stray pubes we replaced them back in the pack and left them awaiting said Ponce on our table.

'Can I nick a fag?' Northern Cunt asked about five minutes later, 'Nick one?' said I, 'Have the pack, I've got another.'

How we chuckled when we saw him sucking on a cigarrette outside the hall. I nearly injured myself laughing when he offered them round to his skanky chav mates.

Vengence is golden.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 14:01, More)