» Heckles

X-Men cinema heckle
On X-Men's release, a group of my mates went to see it on the first day. During the scene in which Xavier first rolls out onto the screen in his wheelchair, some kid at the back shouted out "TIMMMAAAAAYYYYY!", in clear reference South Park's wheelchair-bound mentally challenged "spazzer".
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 11:13, More)

» Urban Legends

"If your hand is bigger than your face, you've got AIDS"
On hearing this urban legend, rather than checking myself for the virus in this manner in front of the crowd of bigger boys and receiving a punch in the face, I went home and checked in the bathroom mirror. My hand obscured my face... Oh no, I must have AIDS!

Cue me, by now one very frightened little boy, trying to fall asleep with a smile on my face so when my mum found me dead in the morning she wouldn't be too upset!
(Mon 9th Jan 2006, 17:04, More)

» Shit Stories

College trip to Dublin...
... and almost all of us came down with food poisoning, some more severely than others.

I got worse and worse, lying in bed sweating and gibbering. I woke up with my English Lit lecturer concernedly mopping my brow. Embarassed, I leapt from the bed and staggered into the toilet to take a dump.

As the dump came cascading out of my tea towel holder, I realised I was going to speak Welsh. I decided to swivel round 180' and sink to my knees in the classic "white telephone" stance.

Only, as the bile rose through my throat, I couldn't stop the fizzy gravy from pouring out of my rusty bullet hole.

What transpired is best described as a "360 degree fountain of vomit and faeces". I coated the toilet, the wall behind it, the floor, and my clothes as I tried to point both ends in the same direction, failed, and rotated in a devastating poo and spew spiral.

Having emptied both ends, I crawled into the shower and tried to clean myself up. I then somehow got back into bed and passed out again.

When I next came too, my roommates were standing over me looking concerned. Sympathetic? Hardly. "Clean up that mess you left in the toilet you dirty bastard"

So I spent the next couple of hours pathetically sponging my poo spray and technicolour yawn off the walls of the bathroom.

I nearly had to go to hospital, but thankfully recovered sufficiently by late evening. A health inspector arrived and asked for stool samples. I tool the little phial, not really knowing what to do with it (I was still pretty delirious). Did I just dip the plastic probe into a big log to take a sample? Did I heckers.

I positioned my business end over the tube, and let rip an enormous poo. It was too big to fit in the tube, so I poked it in with my fingers and screwed the cap over the whole smeary mess.

When we went to give our samples in, they had thankfully given us little brown bags to hide our anal shame. Thank goodness, because I wouldn't have wanted the other guys at college to know that I was a dirty bastard who had just been pooing into his own hand!

gavD has never returned to Dublin.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 15:06, More)

» When animals attack...

Several incidents
As a small child, I was pissed on by a tiger at the circus... It just lifted it's tail and let rip, right through the bars...

At age 20, I was running to Taekwondo training, and something came hurtling at me out of the dusk. I instinctively left hooked it, catching it cleanly, and looked down to see a dog running away yelping with its owner crying "Oh my God, you've hit Charlie! Charlie, are you OK?"

At age 14, I saw a dog try to bum a cat. The cats legs went akimbo, it dropped it's weight, and ran like, well, a partially bummed and totally terrified feline
(Fri 3rd Jun 2005, 16:53, More)

» Out of my depth

At the opening party of Cardiff's Toucan club
I was introduced to a hairy man in a vest. He mentioned he was in a band, and I basically said "really? Oh, I'm in a band too, we're really good..." and drunkenly banged on for ages about my band.

As I staggered away, I realised it was Griff from the Super Furries and I'd just spent several minutes banging on about my student band.
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 11:17, More)