» Wanking Disasters Part II

Telly Wank
I work for a company which does tech stuff and is very media friendly. A couple of people here regularly appear on TV and radio as pundits, usually at some daft hour of the morning or night, on business news programmes and so on.

One evening, a member of our HR department was at a loose end at home and decided to relive past glories by giving Polly Peanut a polish. She had the matter well in hand when she glanced up at the bedroom telly... and there was one of our finest, giving it his best and staring right at her. She was too far along to stop, so completed the task to the reassuring tones of matey chuntering on about Apple or Microsoft or Google or whatever, all the while looking like he was taking in the view approvingly.

She confessed this to her fellow HR ladies the next day, saying how weird it was having to talk to pundit boy. Somehow, the story got back to him. She doesn't know this. Everyone else does. At some point she'll realise that her home alone hero keeps dropping wank puns into the conversation while everyone else is just about keeping it together, and then she'll be rubbed up the wrong way.

There's no sign of it yet, though. The joke keeps on giving.
(Thu 17th Feb 2011, 13:59, More)

» Overheard secrets

Golden Age Of Wireless
Aye, it were grand, those days of analogue two-way radio, if you were a speccy geek with one of 'em scanner doohickies.

In the very early days before cellular phones, there was System 3, which had about six channels and one base station per city, and only very rich people had them in their Jags, and presumably didn't realise that the things were as powerful as GLR. Very rich people can be very naughty. "Working late in the office, dearest", click, "With you in five minutes, you minx".

But the best was the rozzers. They did those great running commentaries during car chases, and a really good one had MP (the central radio co-ordinator) linking different bits of London together on a shared frequency as the get-away vehicle roared from Kensington to Manor Park.

Not that I listened, it being very naughty even for a poor person, but a friend did.

They tell me: there was a top chase that went from Ealing and headed east. The bad guy was giving it loads, and as different jam sandwiches took up the chase and dropped back, the commentary was getting v. heated.

"Doing fifty up Oxford Street! LEFT LEFT LEFT through... oh, not going in there." "Got him! Seventy! Holborn. Through reds..." and so on.

And then "Wrong side of road! THROUGH THE JUNCTION! SIXTY! And RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT into... into... HE'S GONE INTO EAST HAM NICK! HE'S PARKED IN THE FUCKING CAR PARK!"

Even MP, usually the sternest of critics of non-standard RT, was silent.

A pause, as coppers across the capital listened agog to static.

An unidentified voice: "He must have been late for the lodge meeting"

At which point, MP came on and was very very VERY upset.

All gone these days, all digital and encrypted and that.

(Almost)
(Wed 31st Aug 2011, 22:11, More)