» Hotel Splendido

Chocolate Onken mousse walls
This isn't so much about the quality of hotel, more about the rubbishness of the night.

Last year I was living with my (now ex)missus and in the last year of my degree. It was the anniversary of us getting together and I things had been a bit ropey recently so I thought I'd treat her to a night away in a hotel (we both worked in bars and couldnt get a full weekend off).

Now, as a student I couldn't afford much so went on LateRooms.com opted for a quaint looking hotel in Melton Mowbray (cute little market town famous for pork pies? perfect, i thought) and booked a room with a four poster bed. Bang on.

Got there, and Melton in the rain seemed even more of a chav ridden dump even than Nottingham. Its a small town afterall. The hotel was little more than a town pub with some rooms upstairs. You know the type with the red flowery carpets and more fruit machines than varieties of beer.

Well, they never recieved a booking for the poster bed room and so had to make do with a regular double room that wasn't too bad but it did have a big lump on the ceiling and the floor slanted loads.

I wasn't too happy but thought we should make the most of it and proceeded to get wasted on the pubs drinks and some silly powder. Later in the night as nature (and substances) took its course we retired to our room for some fun an frolics, no sooner did we get in the room a than the bird complained of 'feeling funny' and then barfed up a previously eaten snack of Onken chocolate mousse all over the walls in quite spectacular fashion.

I must of thought i might still get some action out of the evening so i helped to clean it up and was quite sympathetic. That was until I went downstairs for a cigerrette and had a bit of a chuckle to myself.

Upon returning to the room I found i had taked the car keys and not the room keys and there was no answer from my (now wasted and unconcious) girlfriend. The hotel by this time was completely empty of guests and staff and I spent the next four hours wandering the halls looking for a staff member whilst still off my tits on said substances.

Eventually got let back in the room at 7am when the staff got in to make breakfast. We left sharpish and didn't exchange a word on the drive home.

We broke up the week after.

Length? (53 weeks)
(Wed 23rd Jan 2008, 13:54, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Festival fecal nightmares.
OK, so theres this large music festival in the south of England which used to attract the counter-culture of the time of its inception but now generally everyone who doesnt hate being outdoors, listening to music or getting totally wankered.

Throughout its history, there have always been the issue of where to down trousers once the portable vestibules have reached the point of no return ( basically when you cant lay some cable without dangling your privates in someone elses bum cigars). One of the solutions people have found is a wooded area, which by the time people require a dump au naturelle, is already a steaming river of piss and rainwater.

Now the first tale concerns a gentleman attempting to 'curl one off' into this river and in his attempts to lean back and not dirty his undercrackers actually slipped backwards. Down turd beach and into the mighty river. He actually slid a good twenty feet and was in tears and caked in shit as people tried to help him out by holding big sticks for him to grab onto.

A more disturbing one is a naked hippy guy tripping his bag off, who gathered quite an audience by laying in a river of this sort whilst making sweet love to an inflated balloon.

More recently, last year was a very wet one and the ground around the toilet areas had become a quagmire of mud, poo and piss. A mancunian friend of mine with the habit of whinging a lot, got his foot stuck in a sticky bit and fell faced first into a sloppy bit.

The bystanders did not laugh hysterically as I did when i heard the story, they looked in horror and tried to help as they all knew full well it could have been them.
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 11:41, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

pop
1st post





*dammit, so close*
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 15:00, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Apocalypse Games
After reading some of these 'lets play pretend' stories I remembered something I would do nearly every day on my way back from uni.

The campus was in a city centre (nottingham trent if anyone knows it) and i was living just outside the city (Westy B). On my 30 min walk through the town and a couple of estates I would often get bored and imagine there was an invasion of aliens (the sigourney weaver type) or a zombie apocalypse (worked very well when i walked past the old peoples home).

I would run across roads, sneak round corners and watch for every person /potential enemy nearby.
(this would often have to stop when I went through the Meadows. news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/6988048.stm)

I have a job now and have to drive to work so I can't play the game anymore, but I still think i'll be better prepared if there is an alien invasion or zombie apocalypse...

I hope none of my friends figure out who I am.
(Tue 18th Mar 2008, 9:55, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Wanking and eating individually-wrapped slices of shit processed cheese




....not always at the same time though
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 13:19, More)