» Mobile phone disasters

My brother
Used to send people things via bluetooth on the tube. He would take a picture of himself smiling, send it to whoever said 'okay' on the tube, and then when they looked around, he'd smile and wave manically.
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 13:47, More)

» Sexism

Pockets
Women. Get some fucking pockets. Or a bigger handbag.
(Sun 27th Dec 2009, 13:09, More)

» Food sabotage

Not sure if it's sabotage
Someone at Uni used to write on his milk cartons "I've pissed in this milk", so nobody would try and steal it. Except that someone else would then write "so have I".
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 19:00, More)

» Customers from Hell

Jim Davidson
I work in the entertainment industry, I do lights/sound/whatever. In 2003 I was stage managing a Jim Davidson gig.

He turned up 45 minutes late, with the support fella, I think they may have been drinking.

He took a look out a peephole into the audience, and saw two or three people in the front row who use wheelchairs. They weren't drooling mongs, they just had legs which didn't work for one reason or another. They had queued to get tickets, and they had even queued overnight to make sure they got front row tickets.

Mr Davidson requested that they be moved. A direct quote, "What are those fucking cripples doing in the front row?".

I send the house manager out to have a word, because he won't go on until they're moved to the back- we weren't happy about it, but bear in mind Jim Davidson fans are not the most relaxed people in the world anyway, and the auditorium had 2500 of them who had been waiting 45 longer than expected and were mostly drunk - and before she can say a word, one of the fellas in a wheelchair says, "I know what you're going to ask, and no we won't move, we paid for these tickets because we wanted to sit here."

Quite right.

Jim Davidson - "they don't know where they are anyway, they're just here so the helpers can get in free" gets back in his Merc and fucks off.

"Bugger", I said.

It's now 8.30pm, and the show was meant to start at 7.30pm.

I have approximately 2500 drunk, impatient, Plymothian Jim Davidson fans sitting on the other side of that curtain, and now I have to tell them that he won't be performing.

A sober Jim Davidson fan is bad enough. 2500 of the fuckers who have been drinking shit overpriced lager is a whole room full of unpleasantness. One of them tried to steal the sound desk.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 10:49, More)

» Customers from Hell

I'm reading through the answers this week
And, to paraphrase Douglas Adams, in the same way as a series of clicks speeding up become a constant tone, everyone here is a fucking miserable moaning bastard.

You're probably all justified in your complaints, but if I ever need to ring up a customer helpline or whatever, I'm not expecting you to be helpful, I'm expecting you to be obstructive.
For instance. I want to change my contract mobile phone over to a pay-as-you-go thing, for whatever reason. Tell me how that happens, how much it costs, and then do it. Don't try and change my mind for 27 bastard minutes.

Basically. When someone says they pay your wages, because they pay money to the people who employ you, then broadly speaking they do. Stop treating them like cunts, perhaps they won't act like one.

And those of you here who work in Bars. You must be all the good ones, who know how to pour Guinness properly, know exactly who should be served next, and know when Ale tastes like cider it's not right. I've bought beer from some of you, you were very nice. You do work with some people who can't do any of those things, though, don't you?
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 9:50, More)