» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Dead man in the high street
Several years ago I was messing around in the high street, as you do when you're young. Just the usual stuff, riding bikes, attempting tricks and sitting in Maccy D's.

Down a road off the high street there was a small marketplace, renowned for takeaways and prostitutes but also home to a bank. The bank backed onto a carpark, and was very secluded.

So we rock up early afternoon, farting about and someone notices a man lying in the corner of the carpark. We all ride over and have a look, and it seems to everyone assembled that the "gentleman of the street" has passed away. White as a sheet, blue lips, half empty bottle of whisky in hand.

One of our group, I can't remember who, decides he is dead and takes it upon himself to ride to a phonebox to call the police as this was long before mobiles became popular.

Within a few minutes a police car turns up, sirens and lights flashing. Seems to make everything a bit more terrifying to my young self. Policemen get out the car, stroll over to where we are, walk through the middle of our group and have a word with each other.

One of the policeman walks up to him, squats down and looks at him closely. Stands up, gestures to his mate to come over. So the other copper gets on his radio or something and gives the tramp a nudge with his foot.

The tramp jumps like he's been hit with a tazer, exploding in a frenzy of matted hair, old trenchcoats, plastic bags and string, policemen shit it and don't know what to do, all of us, probably about ten or eleven kids burst out laughing in absolute hysterics. Tramp gets up, starts jumping up and down shouting at the police.

I can't remember much else about it now, it was a long time ago and I was laughing so hard. Still one of my favourite memories, occassionally something will trigger a flashback and I'm unable to keep myself from laughing. What gets me the most is what the tramp must have thought when he came round to see two policemen, flashing blue lights, and a bunch of schoolkids on bikes laughing so hard they nearly wet themselves.

Good times.

Edit: I know he wasn't technically dead. Or dead in any other sense, but fuck it. Some stories on here were just a bit too harrowing for me. He's probably dead now anyway...
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 16:50, More)

» Blood

An old rugby coach of mine
used to tell you to hold still if you had a nosebleed, while he smacked you on the back of the neck. Like a karate chop, but not as hard.

Without fail it would stop your nose bleeding. I have no idea why. Perhaps he was a ninja.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 17:07, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

November 26th, 2007
Drove all the way to Wembley to see Meat-loaf. Got there and it turned out he'd cancelled the rest of his tour. Nothing else to do in Wembley so we got a McDonalds and drove home in silence.

I hate McDonalds.
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 18:55, More)

» Cheap Tat

One hundred long drinking straws
Made a friend buy them because they were so long, about two and a half foot long. No other reason, other than they were huge.

No good for drinking through though, couldn't suck hard enough to make the drink come up the straw, not to mention the fact that the only way you could use it was to put your drink well out of your arms reach. I think simply using your hands to hold the drink was a better option.
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 20:05, More)

» Blood

Two arseholes
I used to ride a lot of bmx, before I became fat and sloppy. Like many teenagers without a lot to do on a sunday, riding bmx bikes around deserted industrial estates was a lot of fun, and gave you something to do.

Me and my oldest mate rode out to an estate in the middle of nowhere to ride everywhere and try and jump over and off things. The only thing unusual about this weekend was that I had removed the seat post and seat from the frame, I can't remember why, but I wish I hadn't.

Removing the seat post had left the tube it inserted into completely exposed as it extended about two inches from the crossbar. For those who don't know, this would leave a circular steel tube with sharp edges poking up directly where your bum would normally sit.

The day was alright until I jumped down a set of maybe six or seven steps and landed. As the back wheel touched down I went to cushion myself with my legs, soaking up the shock in a crouch like movement. Not being used to the no seat arrangement, as I lowered myself rather rapidly the seat didn't signal to me the need to stop going down and to stand up on the pedals. By the time I realised I was too low I was moving too fast to avoid hitting the tube.

The sharp tube plunged into the gap between my bits and my bum crack with a substantial impact. I wouldn't like to say I was impaled, but it felt like it. There wasn't any sharp pain, just a throb radiating throughout the lower half of my body. Weak at the knees I got off the bike and fell over as the throb became more like the feeling you get when you get smashed in the nuts. My friend showed little concern, standing and laughing as I writhed about in pain.

Eventually I got up to feel trickles of blood down both of my legs. Aware something was quite seriously wrong, we got back on our bikes and cycled, very cautiously to my house. When I got there I told my dad, and he took me up the hospital to get it checked out.

I wont go into details but the positions I had to get into to show the hospital where I'd hurt myself would make a gymnast proud.

Not only that, the fact I had to cover the circular wound up with bandages strapped to my crotch like the male version with of a sanitary towel, did a lot of damage to my faith in bicycles and my athletic ability, as well as giving me a horrible fear that if I ever attempt to pro-create, the tubes will have been snipped by the bicycle equivalent of a vasectomy.
(Sun 10th Aug 2008, 17:49, More)