» B3TA fixes the world

This QOTW was made for me
So now you lot have to sit up and listen (well, read.) The following would have to take place under a one-world government, obviously, with Rampants as Big King Chutney Trousers (paid at the exact average wage and with no privileges other than that necessary to provide security)

1) Ban economics.

It never fails to surprise me how many people who rightly eschew organised religion as total bollocks on one hand nonetheless take economics seriously on the other. At the base is a belief that the value of everything can be expressed as a numerical value based mostly on what people believe it to be worth. There's neither any real basis for this other than belief, nor any real ackonwledgement of non-monetary value of just about anything other than in a very secondary sense. However trying to rebuild such a money-centric society without money is difficult so in a practical sense the following should suffice:

a) One single worlwide currency (therefore no currency trading - hooray!) This could be linked to the price of a series of essential goods so that everyone on earth would pay the same price for a basket of shopping. That's one way to do it.

b) The running of all banks, share exchanges, insurance markets, other financial industries, healthcare provision, pharmaceutical research, energy provision (automotive fuel, gas, water and electricity) and transport infrastructure (road, rail and air) to be taken over completely by a series of independently regulated, completely transparently run public organisations with the remit to keep costs to a minimum, co-ordinate the minimising of environmental impacts where relevant and generate funds solely for the public benefit. So no bonuses/ outrageous salaries for the bankers / executive and all the money generated to be used to reduce the need for individual taxation. While those managing and running these organisations could be incentivised with a decent (but not outrageous) wage, their jobs should be dependent on the degree to which they can produce a satisfactory performance and reviewed annually.

c) The introduction of a maximum wage, and a maximum amount of money an individual can possess. The maximum wage could be 10 times the minimum wage. No individual should be allowed to retain a personal fortune of more than £10 million quid at the current value, as this encourages them to become self obsessed, to push up property prices (by buying additional homes they don’t need), to horde resources and to contribute as little as possible. It also ruins their children’s chances of living productive lives as if you know you’re going to inherit daddy’s billions, you can run around behaving like an absolute shit to everyone without any fear.

d) The repealing of the laws which allow organizations, companies and other similar institutions to have human rights (i.e. to be able to own property and to sue and be sued.) The owners of these bodies should be directly liable for problems the organizations cause, such as pollution, and all these bodies should rent the properties they require for the body itself to be administrated for a reasonable and sustainable fee from the government; this would prevent companies from buying properties so they lose money and get tax breaks while keeping the property empty and unused. Also stockpiling houses as investments, driving up property prices and denying people places to live. As an aside, I’d also levy such taxes on the ownership of more than one residential property that it wasn’t worth having more than two (the one you live in and one additional one), thereby ensuring that every individual could have an affordable house which they own. Houses are for people to live in, not for companies and landlords to make fortunes from while keeping prices artificially high.

2) The immediate legalization of all narcotic drugs. If you need me to explain why, pick your knuckles off the floor, switch off Jeremy Kyle and listen up:

Criminalisation of drugs doesn’t work. If you object to the legalization of drugs on the basis that you or someone you know has had a problem, this is not an argument against the legalization of drugs but against their continued criminalization, as you / your friend experienced their problem despite drugs being illegal. It’s none of your business what I, a fully informed and cognizant adult, choose to do with my body. Criminalisation prevents addicts from getting treatment and very rarely punishes any large- scale dealers. It also allows criminal gangs to make fucktons of money which they can then spend on guns, as one example. There is literally no argument which holds any water against the legalization of all drugs so if you think you have one, you’re wrong.

Obviously, you have to ensure drugs can only be supplied to responsible, cognizant adults and as such everyone who wants some should have to be licensed to be able to buy them, consumption and trade should take place on licensed premises, and the taxation of the process should pay into the NHS. People who sell drugs to kids or any other non-licensed users should have their licenses removed and face at least a 5 year prison sentence. Which at least wouldn’t be so overcrowded what with probably half the prison population being there for drugs offenses, which by the way are only subject to such severe sanctions because those who profit from drug sales don’t pay tax.

Along the same lines, prostitution should be made legal to protect prostitutes and punters, and restricted to small-scale businesses with a maximum number of employees; this should be structured to ensure that security is provided by employees who work for the prostitutes, not the other way around. Rates should be standardized, pensions and sick pay provided and under no circumstances should people who are not doing the actual prostituting themselves be able to profiteer from those who are.

3) The restriction of governmental activities and powers by a considerable margin, the reduction of numbers of professional politicians by a considerable margin, the prevention of those politicians having any additional jobs or from profiting personally from their position in any way, even afterwards. So if they want to publish their memoirs, they shouldn’t make any money from them personally. Therefore, politicians who want to be politicians should do so because they want to be politicians, not because it’s a gravy train. The role of government should be restricted to basically guaranteeing the public-organisations previously detailed were fairly and correctly run and debating changes to legislation. Meanwhile all legislation should be subject to a review and referendum if a significant proportion of the population votes for it. We should also have any proposal to engage in war (other than defending our own shores from attack) ratified by a national referendum.

4) There should also be some rules regarding media.

a) Any political argument advanced by any newspaper columnist should be done so alongside another columnist advocating the opposing view.

b) Any invasion of personal privacy of anyone must be fully justified against strict criteria and demonstrated to be in the public interest; if this isn’t done, the owners and editing staff should be required to have cameras put into their offices and houses and the footage played (randomly cycled) on public TV, with highlights shows made and broadcast on major networks on a weekly basis (this same punishment should be extended to tax dodging businessmen or corrupt officials, once their assets have been stripped)

c) Any story which is proved inaccurate and requires the publication of an apology should have said apology printed in the next edition on the same page(s) as the original article, taking up the same space and using the same font sizes.

d) News media should be registered as tabloid or non-tabloid. Tabloids should then be exclusively responsible for celebrity news, reality TV regurgitation, pictures of semi-naked people and amusing stories about animals and rudely shaped vegetables. Non-tabloids should be exclusively responsible for reporting on politics, disasters, criminal investigations and other serious stories. The Daily Mail should then be abolished.

5) Citizenship – and voting rights – should be restricted to those who can prove themselves (in a reasonable, written test) capable of understanding the arguments needed to vote in a free democracy. They should also be restricted to those over 16 and either employed, retired from employment or who have paid into the national insurance scheme in the last 3 years. Tests should be taken once every 10 years, with free reapplications for failures every six months as long as the failures wish to participate.

6) Long-term unemployed should be housed collectively with less privacy than is afforded to, say, modern council-house tenants. Monetary benefits should be minimal – capped at around 10 pounds a week – and earned through keeping the commune clean and maintained and cooking. This money should be used as credit to buy goods in the communal shop (including fags and booze, but excluding lottery tickets; and they should be able to all chip in for a Sky subscription). However, great efforts must be extended to help those who wish to get into work, set up businesses and become productive members of society. Discrimination against people in these circumstances (say, for jobs) should be illegal and subject to severe sanctions. Whatever the standard of living here, it must always be far, far better than that of criminals in incarceration. No-one to be allowed to reproduce while living in these circumstances (yes, I’m talking forced abortions and forced sterilizations, including for the men who made the lady pregnant, via a DNA test). This whole policy to be fine-tuned on the basis that the poor should not be ghettoized and opportunity must always be provided, but those who deliberately choose to avoid work shouldn’t enjoy the same privileges as those who work for them.

7) Immigration applications should be granted on the basis of what can be contributed (skills) and proven need, and not prioritized for citizens of any particular country. Assistance for immigrants should include free language lessons for all who need them, but no benefits can be paid to anyone who hasn’t contributed already, and those who arrive with nothing would live in the communal situation described above.

8) Number of places on university and vocational courses should be decided by specialist external bodies on the basis that the correct numbers of skilled workers to fill roles should be trained each year (plus say 5% to balance out those who change occupation, need extended sickness leave or become pregnant); all tuition to be free; all courses to take up the same number of hours each week with more complex subjects like medicine and architecture to take more years to achieve qualification. All courses to include as much on-the-job experience as possible, this work to be paid to help with student’s living expenses. Rent-free communal-style student accommodation to be provided.

9) Free condoms for everyone of any age for any reason (including water balloons). Lowering of the age of consent to 15, but people between the ages of 15 and 18 may only have sex with other people between the ages of 15 and 18.

10) All care homes for the elderly and terminally ill to be provided for free; but everyone to be able to choose their own retirement age as long as they continue to perform their jobs effectively.

11) All responsibilities relating to parking and speeding enforcement to be devolved from councils and to an independent body. Parking restrictions to be enforced only when vehicles are blocking access. Clamping to be illegal. Fines for towed vehicles to be capped at 10% of the vehicles value.

12) The Human Rights Act (and similar legislation) to be replaced with a Human Rights And Responsibilities Act, in which everyone has to recognize the rights of others, punishments to fit crimes and health and safety rules to be limited in two aspects: firstly, that they can never be used to actually prevent anyone from doing anything (just make it safer) and secondly to ensure everyone is responsible for deciding themselves whether anything was actually a sensible thing to do and therefore not to be able to sue anyone if it turns out that any reasonable person would have thought that it wasn’t. Also, reproductive rights to be curtailed so no-one can produce more than two children per couple. Anyone who wants more should have to adopt an unwanted child.

13) Anyone who disagrees with Rampants to be thrown into the core of the earth until the population is down to a more reasonable level (say a billion humans worldwide). Utopia to inevitably follow.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 17:06, More)

» Greed

Kettle Chips
You know those really big bags (150g, I think) of Kettle Chips? Proper family size packs?

Yoinks ago in the midst of time, when you didn't see Kettle Chips too often, they were trying to launch the (then) new Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar flavour. So there was a deal at the 24 hour garage across the road from my house that you got a free pack of Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar with every pack you bought. They had 8 different other flavours, I bought one of each and received 8 free packs.

All sixteen bags were eaten, almost exclusively by me, within 16 hours. It felt like my tongue had been in a fight with a belt sander and lost.

100% true. Just say no, kids.
(Thu 14th Apr 2011, 23:39, More)

» Unusual talents

I can see you
through the internet. Put some clothes on and brush your hair!

I can also survive temperatures of -200 degrees C and plu 3000 degrees C, fly, become invisible at will and create anything out of sheer force of will - drugs, supermodels, Honda Accords, the lot. I can travel through time, beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestle and the sight of one of my pubes is sufficient to ensure any woman comes so hard she turns herself inside out.

My other talent is that I'm completely incapable of telling lies. Especially on the internet.
(Mon 22nd Nov 2010, 18:39, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Urban legend
You have been warned - it's a story a mate told me many years ago - apols if anyone got there before me.

This story concerns our beloved monarch Liz Eye Eye (as we refer to her round these parts). As you may know, what with all the official visiting she does and the international incidents which might be precipitated by Queenie having to receive foreign dignitaries weeping and with pants full of regal poo prior to posting her own reminisences on these pages (you KNOW the Queen's a b3tan), it is necessary to ensure that a crapper is set aside for her personal use on all such engagements.

On this occasion, she was inspecting one of her battleships and the "mate of a mate" who starred in this story was working there at the time / sodomising his colleagues / wanking onto biscuits (delete as appropriate). He got truly lucky when he was "ass"igned to prepare / polish HRH's crapper. Sensing an op"poo"rtunity, he cunningly put the following plan into action:

1) Unscrew pipe behind bog
2) Insert ladies stocking* so as to catch any solid matter which passed through pipe.
3) Replace

If you give any credence to this tale at all, you'll be glad to know he scored a brown fish, which he subsequently dried, varnished, mounted and popped on his mantlepiece as a truly unique memento of the royal visit.

Apologies for likely high bullshit factor of this post - but please don't let that stop you clicking.


*I'd normally be curious as to why a man working far from land and presumably in an almost completely all-male environment possessed such an item. But he was a sailor - mystery solved.
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 13:44, More)

» Expensive Weekends

Drugs are bad, mmkay???
Not me, but a close mate. A mate who happens to be a drug dealer. Not a schiller of random 16ths, but someone who rarely has less than a few kilos in his house... or on his person. A pro, in other words. While these days he sticks quite religiously to weed, our story takes place back in the days (2001) when he was into coke, before it was a matter of strict necessity to possess a gun in order to be a coke dealer.

Like other mid-to-large scale dealers I know, his social circle largely consists of either customers or other dealers. I'll also point out at this point that, despite what you may assume, this story involves no exaggeration - you'll have to trust me on that one.

So on this occasion our hero was pottering about his flat one morning - probably having not slept - when one of his dealer mates happened by. The man in question had just obtained a large quantity of crack cocaine on credit. Several thousand pounds worth, in fact. The pair decided to have a pipe to take the edge off while the telly blared on in the background.

A couple of pipes in, both were beginning to reach the advanced stages of fucked-ness when the news came on. Apparently, someone had had a rather serious accident in New York, flying their plane into the Twin Towers...

You can guess the date, can't you?

As the pie-eyed pair digested this news with another pipe, a secomd plane went into the towers, and it became clear that this wasn't an accident. Their reaction?

They decided civilisation as we know it was coming to an end, and realised that therefore they wouldn't have to pay for the crack.

By the time they had gotten very high indeed for a considerable period, then eventually succumbed to sleep (some days later), and subsequently reawoken in a more sober state, they realised three things quite quickly:

1) Civilisation had survived largely intact, if somewhat more nervous than before
2) They had made their way through two grands worth of crack
3) There was a very strong possibility that this would get them both killed.

Postscript: Due to an unusually understanding dealer and their willingness to work extremely hard over the next month flogging naughty substances to pay off their debt, both survived to tell the tale...
(Thu 13th May 2010, 17:16, More)