» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Chuffed To Bits
My dad (who worked on the railways) got a call from the next train station up the West Coast Main Line from him. A train driver had been relieved from his duties as he said he'd hit a man walking on the lines about three miles from where my dad worked. The West Coast Main Line is pretty fast there so the chances of a slight injury were minimal.

My dad grabbed a few large plazzy bags, jumped into his car and put his high visibility vest on and patrolled up the line where the shocked driver had reported the accident. Sure enough, bit by bit, remains of this hapless trespasser came in to view on the ballast of the track and in the bushes. A finger here and an arm there. 'Chuffed to bits', you could say...

Dad radioed the county police who turned up a bit later to help with the collection of body parts. After a good scrape of the surroundings they peered into their bags and after a few shakes found that everything but the head had been found. They looked around but to no avail.

"Here it is, Sarge!" shouted one of the bobbies under the road bridge. They walked over and sure enough there was the blood and brain splashed head of the victim lodged between the rail and the ballast. My dad tried to pick it up by the hair but with the mess it only slid through his rubber gloves ("giving a bit of a squeak"). The head wasn't for budging.

"Try and find a stick so we can lever it out", said the Sergeant and a few minutes later a young constable was gently trying to prise the head away from the track.

[sound effect] SPRIDDOINNNNNGGGG!!! it went as it flew away and rolled over the Sergeant's boots. Sergeant needed a quick sit down while the rest of them poured the guy out of about four bags onto a big polythene mat. They scratched their heads while looking at a pyramid of still warm body parts with a head neatly plonked on top of it looking as if he was about to sing..

'Who was it?', 'Did he not hear the train coming?', 'Did anyone see it from the road bridge?', 'What are we having for tea?'. The questions kept coming.

They noticed an old bloke at the top of the slope on the road bridge walking his dog and trying to see what was happening. "Are you okay lads?", he shouted down to them.

"As a matter of fact, we're not. Have you seen anyone walking on the tracks here or anything strange today?", the ashen faced Sergeant shouted. The oldish lad shouted back with his best Lancashire accent, "I've seen a chap over t'past few days looking like he had a gun walking over the tracks probably trying to hunt rabbits or summat".

"Can you come down here a minute?". Of course good as gold, the chap clambers down the bank with his dog and approaches the coppers who move aside from the pile of dead bloke with his head on top.

My dad says, "IS THAT HIM?"


Ha ha ha! Nice one dad. It would've been better if the old boy had replied with "Er... No, he was a bit taller than that".
(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 19:47, More)

» Your first cigarette

First ciggy, eh?
'Twas a sixth form disco in the New Rendsburg club in Lancaster. Lots of frivolities happened that night including one of teachers nearly downing a pint of fresh piss. Crazy guys. Crazy days.

Anyway, I was 17 and this lass from my primary and secondary school offered me a ciggy. Alcohol was no probs by then and I was a master of cider consumption. Cigarettes though had passed me by up 'til this point and I was adamant that I'd never smoke during my lifetime.

Said lass passes me a lit ciggy. Do I let myself look a cock and say "no" in front of a few lasses including the donor who was quite alright? "GIZZ IT HERE!"

I inhaled the smoke of a 'More' (remember them?) and started coughing like an asthmatic pig in front of the corking bevvy of unplucked cherries. I swore, through much gasping for breath, that I'd never forgive her for letting me wheeze on that fecking thing.

I eventually got my own back on her though. I married her 23 years later. That got her told...
(Thu 20th Mar 2008, 21:32, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Another stiff on the line
I actually have a way of being able to contact the dead.

Dial 100 and wait for the answer.
(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 19:56, More)